The Fill-up by Michael Thompson - Short, Thriller, Suspense - Running from the law, a young couple tries to hold-up a lonely gas station getting more than bargained for from its sadistic night manager. 14 pages - pdf, format

Okay. I tried. I really did. And it's only 14 pages; but there's only so much one person can do. Someone else have a look.

What I got was a mix of Natural Born Killers via QT. Somewhat horribly written.

I get the intent, but...

FADE IN without a slug?

Quite liked Kirby's opening line.

Kirby stares dismally. ...erm...

DALLAS
I know what I say sometimes, but I
have to worry. Even though there is
nothing that is going to happen to
us. It's my job to take care of
you.
...ooh.

Kirby excitedly pops the glove compartment. Out falls a
snub-nosed 38 into her pretty little hands.
- So I guess you've made both of these sentences passive...

sawed off shotgun
- far as I know, should be sawn as sawed is active, and sawn the past particle.

EXT. GAS PUMPS - TRASH CAN
The stained bones of a dried skeleton freeze in the night.
- I really don't know what you're talking about here.

Initial interaction in the gas station was okay.

Chick flashes a glance at the television, smirks a hole in
Dallas' back double-fists the 44.
CHICK
Your welcome.
- I don't know what the action sequences means, and your is you're.

From inside the gun sounds like a crack of thunder, the
frontal windowpane lights red. Kirby screams, drops to her
knees pressed against the glass door.
- we start to fall apart from hereon. You specify EXT. and then refer to inside...

A pair of combat boots steps over Dallas going for the door.
- is sloppy.

Kirby stumbles, speeds for cover. Behind her, the doorbell
sounds. A thunderclap rolls. The window washing station
explodes showering her with dirty water. She screams, ducks
behind the nearest pump.
- I think you need to reference things more clearly here.

Problem I think you have here is that you are trying to make the action sound as cool as the dialogue - the dialogue can sound as cool as it wants, but the action is effectively instructions - they need to be accurate.

This is okay overall - nice concept, maybe a bit dated, but the writing needs  upping a notch.

Good luck with it.

Some of your wording was too "novel" like for me.

ex: A dirty dime store antique forgotten by all except time. Beautiful, in a simple flower girl way. What does the second mean? Flower girl at a wedding? Flower girl as a hippie? I had a hard time picturing these two people because you simply say they are both good looking and thats it.

Maybe it was just me but the wording in the action read a bit clunky at times, which made it a tad difficult to get through. It wasn't terrible, I just think it could benefit from another read through from the author to clean it up a bit.

"Pretty little hands, pampered Duchess" You're banging us over the head with the fact that this person is suppose to be attractive.

I imagined the two of them with Southern Accents the whole time, just my way of giving them a bit of character.

Why would he ask what pump, if 4 is the only one that works?

I would stay away from stuff like "Travis Bickle like smile". It alienates your reader, those who've never seen Taxi Driver would have no idea what this means. Hell, I'm not even sure.

Chick flashes a glance at the television, smirks a hole in Dallas’ back double-fists the 44.

What does this mean? I had to read it 3 times to understand that the guy shoots Dallas.

Again your action is reading too wordy and it seems like you are trying your hardest to impress with wordy visuals. Leave it clean and simple and this would read a lot better.

I didn't care for the two characters, they do seem like Micky and Malory from NBK, as mentioned, but not to the point of them being characters. They seem very cookie cutter to me. This piece read to me like the author tried a little too hard to be "cool and hip" and the story is sacrificed in the effort.

There is a bit of suspense, but the writing takes me out of it as I'm trying to get through the wordy prose.

Quoted Text Someone else have a look

I had a look, Simon but some things are better left unsaid. And I don't think Michael will ever reply, I could be wrong but...lets see.

If you do Michael, I will be happy to leave you some feedback.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Over-written, two-dimensional, torture porn.  If the author shows up, maybe I'll add more to my comments.


Phil

Sorry but I just don't see the point of rehashing a tired old plot line with wooden dialogue. At least try to give it a twist.

This makes two shorts I've read, that aren't worth me adding my comments to. The preceding commentary was more than sufficient.