Holiday Hookup by David Von Kotzebue - Action, Adventure - A rookie angel must make a man & woman from different faiths and backgrounds fall in love over the holidays.  His real purpose is to save an orphan who needs an organ transplant. 70 pages - pdf, format

Hi there, gave this one a read and here are my thoughts:

First of all I loved the interpretation of heaven and thought this could have been made more use of.  Or dropped altogether, but I'll go into that more later.

There seemed to be a few formatting issues with this one.  Things like the name of a character being on the last line of a page, leaving the dialogue to be pushed onto a next page.

There also a couple of times where the wrong name was used.  For example, on P13 I think you write Priscilla but I gather you mean Sharon?

Also something you want to do is show more and not tell so much.  What do I mean by that?  For example on P6, the reason Matt is miffed shouldn't be in the action lines, it needs to be revealed by dialog as the viewer will never get that.  Similarly no need to tell that Jordan feels he put in his time or that Pris is a peacemaker.  We can infer this from their dialogue.

A thought, you may want to mention the full name of the team (Avalanche) at least once in your script for those who aren't hockey fans or Canadian :)

My biggest problem was that there wasn't much in the way of conflict.  Everything was way too easy for everyone.  Herkimer is sent on this special mission to get these two people together and will you look at that - they pretty much fall in love right away!  Herk doesn't really seem to be very active and I didn't get the feeling this was the hardest gig ever.  You mentioned the Army of Darkness but they don't ever appear.  Herk questions the Plan and is told to follow orders and he immediately does.  I feel like you didn't want to get too much into the supernatural or to explore a crisis of faith, but then I don't even know why the heaven bits are in here in the first place.  You could have just as easily have Jennifer accidentally submit to Jordan's profile when she meant to choose another guy and nothing really changes in your story except to shave a couple of (tangential at best) pages off your script.

And then they meet this orphan with a terminal disease, and by the end they get married and adopt the kid.  Sweet story but it felt way too pat.  There was nothing in jeopardy so it doesn't really feel like they earned it to me.


More examples of things where I expected conflict but none materialized:
- One of the other dates the main characters go on is actually interesting, creating a rival love interest.
- Speaking of dates, when the fact that Jennifer revealed she hates liars, I thought that would come up in regards to her relationship with Jordan.  Sure it could have been cliche, but at least it would have been an obstacle, giving Jordan, Jennifer or even Herk something active to do.
- Once Jordan and Jennifer actually meet up, one of them is more into the other.  The other wants to keep it just a casual holiday hookup.
- Once Jordan and Jennifer decide to make a go of it, someone in their family objects to it.  Really objects to it, not just makes noises and then is instantly swept off their feet after a few lines of dialogue (I'm looking at YOU, Gertrude!)
- More seriously, why did they need to be of different faiths and why is heaven involved if it doesn't really come up?  Neither character is religious so this hardly seems like a big deal.
- The orphan could have been a big jerk.  Then there'd at least be the conflict of giving up an organ to someone you personally dislike.
- Or maybe Jennifer has some complications that make it hard for her to go under the knife.

Anyway, your writing is good, I just think some restructuring is needed to improve.

Thanks,
:Duan