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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Great Destruction Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Great Destruction  (currently 1975 views)
Don
Posted: January 18th, 2012, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Great Destruction by Jahongir Bahrom (Jahon) - Short, Animated - Humans destroy a beautiful forest and still all the trees, but two unlikely lovers bring the life back to it. 9 pages - pdf, format


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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 18th, 2012, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jahonir,

Did you proof read this? There is a massive misspelling in your logline.

There are lots of problems I'm afraid to say. Formatting, grammar and awkward phrases aside, the story is so unbelievable that I was struggling to get past page 3, sorry.

I know you mean for this to be animation but again like Yellow Fever, this reads like a children's book. Also like Yellow Fever, the names are a problem for me. He have a lion who's called Lion, mud is called Mud. I understand that's what they are but they could have had names IMO, think of animal animation films like Lion King, they wasn't called Lion 1, Lion 2 and so on.

Where are we supposed to be? Africa? I'm not that big on animals geography but we had a lion, elephant, crocodile, antelope, anaconda and then a hedgehog! This list doesn't go together IMO.

Okay, I did have a chuckle at this "Crocodile runs to the river and joins his girlfriend" and quotes back to everyone "See you guys, knowing you has been a pleasure (to girlfriend) Let's go honey" I love the idea of a crocodile having a bit on the side.

On a positive note, I did enjoy that mud got the girl or leaf in this case and that coal got pricked shall we say.

I think you're trying to tell a simple love story with this but have gone over the top with other elements. I would concentrate solely on Lily and Mud's story and condense it to something like 3 to 4 pages.

Hope this helps.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve
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Jahon Bahrom
Posted: January 19th, 2012, 8:31am Report to Moderator
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Hi
Thanks a lot for your read. You are absolutely right about almost everything. Corrections. about everything. I wrote the log line in a rush and didn't name the animals. It actually was originally about MUD and LILLY, but some people said people are not interested in the stories that are too short.
Thanks for your comments again. If you could indicate my mistakes a spacially formatting ones I would appriciate it a lot.
By the way write me the names of your works I would love to read them.  
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Jahon Bahrom
Posted: January 19th, 2012, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve.
Sorry I forgot to adress your name in the first pm. And one more thing, This is a fictional place. Place of love and harmony, like it is a Paradise and humans come and destroy it, but love of nature brings it back.
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Jahon Bahrom
Posted: January 19th, 2012, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mohammad.
Thanks for the read. I have Final draft 8. I think my problem is the lack of experience. I just need to read more scripts and have my scripts read. I can't find my mistakes unless somebody points them out.

regards


Jahongir.
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nawazm11
Posted: January 19th, 2012, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Jahon, ignore that comment above I deleted it because it was cluttering up the page.

Anyway, the alignment looked off to me for some reason but double checking, it seems right. The original alignment in Final Draft is right so only if you changed that it might be wrong. In exchange for my carelessness I will try and read this script.

Let's start with the logline. It makes no sense at all, sorry to say. Perhaps fix that up.

So, the first slug. Down? Do you mean Dawn?

Second paragraph, you write WE and put a camera direction. This is a very common mistake in everybody's first script (at least for me it was). So, WE are not in the script. WE have nothing to do with the script. I think it's really rare for this to be used correctly. I've seen it used as "We follow ---" but I'm still not sure if that's right.

And then the zoom in, there isn't any need for that or any camera directions. The director doesn't want to be told how to do his job. So, in your next script don't write any camera directions whatsoever. Just write, "A big tree distinguishes itself from the others, it's in the middle of the forest."

After that I recommend switching the scene to the tree and then saying something like "Millions of leafs grow from the branches. One leaf shines through the others. It's LILY." Then stop right there.

Do not use our, we etc... We aren't in the forest. You say "crown of the forrest, the most beautiful leaf in the land." First, you spelt forest wrong and then you put something down which is impossible to film. How can the audience know when watching that this is the crown of the forest and the most beautiful leaf in the land. You can write "It's Lily, the leaf is beautiful." And even that is stretching the rule.

Hmmm, you forgot to write the time after you write Ground in the second slug. "They live and play in harmony" Ditch that line, it's useless and makes no sense IMO. It's good to have nice clear writing but IMO scripts aren't novels and you shouldn't use writing like that because it just doesn't fit.

Like Steve said, give them names or at least put THE in their names for a cleaner read. You also forgot to capitalize the DEER when introducing her.

And again, like Steve said. Where are we?

You now say Crocodile 3 times so I'm confused which crocodile is which.

So after the first page, I apologize because I can't read anymore. You have too many mistakes on the first page and I'm hoping all of this helped you. Sorry about being harsh, Jahonir.

IMO use this story for later. Make another script that isn't set in Africa. Perhaps a comedy or horror. It helps more with the writing because you're creating human characters rather than animals. I like to use this website for rough ideas so maybe try that.

http://www.seventhsanctum.com/generate.php?Genname=storygen

Keep in mind this. In your next script, do not use any We or Our. Do not use any Camera directions like zoom in and do not use anything that is impossible to film. Like  "James and Dexter walk down the street. They are friends." The obvious mistake is that the audience doesn't know their friends. We only know that there are two guys walking down the street.

So keep in mind when you're writing, if you can't film it then leave it out.

Mohammad

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nawazm11  -  January 20th, 2012, 11:57pm
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Jahon Bahrom
Posted: January 19th, 2012, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Muhammad.
Thanks a lot for the read and notes. They will be very helpful. Now that I know I will try not to make these mistakes in the future. I have two other works in the site if you could check them out too I would appriciate it a lot. If you have any stories in the site or any other sites write me the titles and I will happily read them.
My other works are: A SPECIAL CASE and YELLOW FEVER.


Regards
Jahongir
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nawazm11
Posted: January 20th, 2012, 12:06am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jahongir,

Don't get ahead of yourself when writing scripts. What I like to do is, write a script and comment on perhaps 20 other scripts and after that I send in my next one because people will comment.

You have three scripts on here and a decent amount of reviews. You can get more by returning the reads and reading/commenting regularly. Steve I think comments on at least half the scripts posted here and always tries to stay positive. Because of that, when he posted his first script, he had 2 pages of comments in the first few days I think?

I posted a script to Don about 11 days ago? Can't really remember the date but it should be up soon and I'd love to hear your opinion on it. It's called Confrontation

See you around

Mohammad
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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 20th, 2012, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from nawazm11
Steve I think comments on at least half the scripts posted here and always tries to stay positive.


I need to get a life!

But seriously, Mohammad is right Jahongir.

Quick question, do you spell your name Jahonir or Jahongir? If it’s with the “g” it means you actually spelled your name wrong on the cover sheet?

Anyway, like I was saying if you look for and review only contributing member’s scripts then you are more than likely to get return reads. There are some very experienced writers on this site who can be of great help to you but they need to see you making a contribution.

Trust me when I say the rewards from this will be great and will help you develop as a writer.

Check your pm’s mate.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve


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Jahon Bahrom
Posted: January 20th, 2012, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Thanks again Steve.
I know you are right and I will do my best to fix the above mentioned points.


Regards
Jahongir!
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irish eyes
Posted: January 20th, 2012, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steve
I need to get a life!

It`s about time

Mark  


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irish eyes
Posted: January 20th, 2012, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Jahongir
page 1 forrest  should be forest
Dear should be deer.

I`m sorry buddy I only got to page 2 and I was completely lost with the animals!!! Your slug line stated a forest... then you had a Lion, a deer, crocs,tigers, Antelopes, Ostriches,baby rodents, bear, anacondas and an array of hedgehogs!!!!!! I know its animation  but only a Deer and a black bear lives in a forest(maybe a few rodents)...

A big part of writing, is not only reading other scripts, but also doing research on your own work, to make it more believable.

Maybe ill try one of your other scripts

Mark


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Jahon Bahrom
Posted: January 20th, 2012, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark.
Thanks for the read and the notes. I will change all of that. But the reason I put them together was to show all the creatures living in peace until humans come and destroy it. I think it would be little more clear if I would change FOREST with PARADISE. And the reason why I didn't give names to any of the animals is that they are not important as characters, but important as forest inhabitants. As Steve said I will concentrate on two main lovers and bring the length down to three four pages.


Thanks and regards
Jahon.
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mcornetto
Posted: January 23rd, 2012, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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Jahongir,

I gave this a read.  You certainly do have massive spelling issues.  But I can see English isn't your first language - so I'll let them slide this time.   Your English isn't bad, it's just not quite good enough for an English screenplay.  You're almost there but just miss the mark, so, I would suggest you have someone proofread who has a better grip on the language before you post your new draft.  

That said, I did like the story.  It had a fable sort of quality to it.  

I think your dialogue needs some work because it seemed too spot on.  Try to think of other ways to have your character say what they want to say.  Don't be so direct.  I know it's hard if you're dealing with a different language but it's something every screenwriter needs to learn.  

Other than that, my biggest issue was how the animals know humans will cause the great destruction before actually seeing what the humans do.   I think there needs to be an animal that runs in, all beat-up, that escaped from the destruction which is heading their way.

Good luck on your new draft.  
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mmmarnie
Posted: January 23rd, 2012, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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I won't address the spelling and grammar since that�s already been mentioned.

"We zoom in"  - Stay away from the "we's" as well as camera directions.  Tell a story.  If you tell it visually you won't need the "zoom ins", we'll just picture it that way.

I like the idea of the story.  Life goes on, unfortunately so does destruction.  The pacing in parts of this story is way off.  You need to do a montage when the humans come and cut down the trees then chop them up. The way it's written it happens in seconds.

I like the set up with all creatures coexisting but I think it goes on a little too long before we meet the main characters.  

Keep working on it.  Oh yeah...I'd avoid the word "hell" for this type of kid's story.  


boop
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