Bad Day Baby Buffalo by Arty Whale (ArtyDoubleYou) - Short, Animation - Based on true events, the story of a family of Buffalo and their trip to the watering hole. With lions around the corner and something lurking in the water, this is a day they'll never forget. 9 pages - pdf, format

Broken link fixed.

Don

I sent in the wrong draft by mistake so there's a few errors in this draft. I've submitted the most up to date version though so please don't read just yet.

Apologies to all.

Cheers.

Arty.

Not good enough Roy .

I'll wait for the updated version before commenting.

Steve

Cheers Steveo.

I feel like an idiot, knew I should of paid more attention in computer class at school.

You got anything new for me to check out in the meantime?

So the link's working now - have you got the correct version up? Had a look at it anyway - thought the overall idea was nice (had a similar idea myself) - at early draft stage I think it needs polishing up somewhat:

No major problems with the format - but I think maybe some mini slugs for when the lions are at a distance from the Buffalos.

Sure someone will make mention of the 'wfie' bit...

Some of the dialogue came across a little soft - think it could do with tightening up in places.

I would have liked to have seen a little more backstory - there was potential to slip it in fairly easily: "So Alakia, we meet again" etc etc (but better than that).

There were also some bits were I felt it needed elements of detail to prevent it coming across to bland - like when the Buffalo stop short of the lions - some dust kicked up etc.

Ending came across a little twee - I think, as it takes place in such a short time then, you'd need to have Leah promising vengeance - to have the 'respect' bit you'd have needed them to have had more history - time & events during which the respect would have time to build up.

Certainly looks like part of something bigger - you could certainly build on - overall - good - I like it.

Simon

Cheers for the review Si.

This isn't the final draft, there are a couple of changes to the update. A couple of spelling mistakes and a bit of tightening on a few lines.

I think I should mention that this story was based on this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM youtube clip. I struggle to come up with stories for shorts and this seemed like it could work well. Also why I put 'based on true events' in the logline, though probably didn't need to.

As for the dialogue and the ending I would say I was writing it with kids in mind. The message being to listen to or do what your parents tell you as they have your best interests at heart. I didn't really want to go down the vengeance path as there is also forgiveness and knowing when to walk away on display, other little lessons if you will. Maybe I over-thought it which is why it may not have quite worked.

In an even earlier draft I did have mini slugs but I got rid of them because it made the length end a few lines in to page nine, so I just wanted to bring it under eight. Perhaps I will look to make it nine full pages so I can get those extra little details in too. I didn't want to keep writing dust kicks up all the time though just for the sake of not repeating. Dust kicks up a few times already, but I'll see if I can word it some other way, or add something anyway.

Not sure if I would want to make a feature out of it, but it's always there just in case.

Glad you liked it overall, let me know if you have anything I can take a look at for you over the weekend.

Cheers for your time.

Arty.

Hi Roy,

Arh the school boy error - makes me feel better about mine!

I will await the final draft so that you get feedback on this.

One thing I'm doing is linking scripts to Dropbox. I'm sure ther are other ways but this allows you to amend you script whilst posted.

Roughly you, open a Dropbox account, upload a PDF to the public section, then copy the link when you enter your script to SS. there is a URL link for scripts if not PDF.

I have to say it is VERY useful to be able to amend whilst on the site.

Cheers

hey Arty, I'm going to wait to read this until you post the new draft (make sure to send me a PM when you do). For now, there's one thing I would recommend changing...the title. I absolutely loath it. I'm probably the only one that has beef with it (no pun intended), but you might want to consider changing it.

Quoted from albinopenguin hey Arty, I'm going to wait to read this until you post the new draft (make sure to send me a PM when you do). For now, there's one thing I would recommend changing...the title. I absolutely loath it. I'm probably the only one that has beef with it (no pun intended), but you might want to consider changing it.

Second!

About the new draft, not the title.

E.D.

Arty I promised you a read....But I might as well wait for the revised buddy.

Mark

I love the title.  Don't change it.  I'll read it when you post the new draft.

Greatest Title Ever!

Mark

I appreciate the patience gents. Just a shame I ballsed it up in the first place.

Haven't had much time today but I've got a lot of spare time over the weekend to read anything of yours if you would like me to. Just send me a pm and I'll get to it, don't be shy.

As for the title I quite like it so I doubt it will change, unless someone comes up with something better of course.

Peace out and that.

Quoted from ArtyDoubleYou I think I should mention that this story was based on this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM youtube clip.

Mmmm. Yeah - the utube clip's pretty impressive - amazed the poor little thing survived. Unfortunately you just cost me an hour of looking at dumb hippo's attacking things, you just can't do one utube clip and leave it at that can you? Sorry - you're top of my list fot an 'owed read' now...