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It seems the pagination has got messed up. It was okay when the script was uploaded. I wonder if this happens often as I have looked at another script on this site and it does not have numbered pages. Apologies for this. When the script is revised, I might do it without numbering the pages.
Started reading this. Format problems and typos right out of the starting gate....Agree with Steve on getting a script writing softward and Celtx, I think, is free.
Story...first it starts out with two guys playing cards. Anyone that knows how to play cards, especially for money, knows about bluffing. That was unbelievable IMO. Also, if you want to get a reader interested in your story, you've got to have something 'more' than two guys playing cards, talking about bluffing as your opening image.
The dialogue doesn't seem natural at all and goes on for pages when you could have used a couple of actions to show what has happened over many pages of four word dialogue blurbs. They talk about the card thing and bluffing for two pages..then the dialogue about the 'noise' goes on for at least two pages, when instead of all that 'talk' about the noise...you could have had one sentence that described the noise they heard. The script kind of lost me after that, sorry.
I think my best advice is to read a lot of scripts and then keep trying.
Wordy. Drags on in dialog. Maybe a skit, not a movie. Page 21 and no twist. Not sure it's worth it. However, you did build some curiosity with the bobbing head thing. I just don't think it'll be worth staying in for.
I gave this a quick glance - up to page 10 to give it a fair go - even though there was a multitude of formatting issues (and I usually don't complain about them but the page numbers in the middle of the page really aggravated me). Please get screenwriting software Peter if you expect people to read your script.
My comments on the first 10 pages are:
- Far too much dialogue with no subtext or interest. These characters would never hold my attention and I didn't like either of them. - No clear opening signal. I'm not sure what type of script I'm reading and I should know that on the first page. - Don't ever do things like this in dialogue "stooooooopid" -- describe it instead.
CRAIG But I did it to a stupid person. A stupid (he drags out the word) person. Don’tcha reckon it’s fair, stupid
Other people will argue that my suggestion isn't the right way but that's the nature of the game. Listen to them if you want but don't use dialogue like this. "stooooooopid" and especially not like this "Noooooooooo!" (you probably have one of those No's in your script, don't you?)
Anyway, there was no way I was going to continue reading with the script in it's present state. Do some editing. Remove what isn't essential (much of the dialogue) and get some screenwriting software so that it is formatted correctly. Then I'll read it.
2. I started scrolling through the script. I noticed there's a lot of dialogue. So, as an experiment, I deleted all of the dialogue from the first 25 pages. You know how much was left? Two and a half pages. The first 25 pages are literally 90% dialogue. That's way too much. This is supposed to be a horror movie, not a radio play.
A lot of it is completely pointless, like this:
Quoted Text
CRAIG We don’t hafta do nothin’. This don’t concern us.
DOUG It don’t ?
CRAIG No. It don’t.
DOUG Must be a boat…out there…on the water. Gotta do something’.
CRAIG No, we don’t.
DOUG So, what do we do ?
CRAIG Nothin’.
DOUG Nothin’ - ?
CRAIG Nothin’. We sit here and do nothin’.
These characters are literally talking about whether or not to do nothing.
This is all good advice, which will be incorporated into the next draft. Thanks. fellas, but someone should try to read it to the end to see if the idea has potential.
The script should start with the image of the lightship itself, with a suggestion that something odd is going on there, with the bobbing heads at first indistinct, then one of them is exposed in the moonlight to show it bloodied.
Then we might pan towards the wharehouse where the longshoremen are. How much camera directions can be allowed ? Can you put "We pan to..." in a acript ?
Peter, I doubt anyone is going to read the entire script the way it's written. It's pretty bad. The dialogue is terrible. The characters continually repeat the same thing that whoever they're talking with just said. It's almost like a pisser or comedy.
As to the question about direction in a script, the answer is ZERO. Don't put any camera direction in your script. It's not your job. And, more importantly, you're most likely not qualified to know how to direct and film a movie. Start with the writing...master that...then you can worry about camera shots and the like.
Good luck. Read some scripts in here. Provide your comments and learn in the process. It's a Quid Pro Quo kind of place. To get reads, you need to give reads.
Peter, you have to give feedback to get feedback. have you read and commented on any scripts in here yet? I don't think you have. You need to get with the program.
Had a look at "Customer Service" and left a comment. Will have a look at some others. Not being technically knowledgeable, I can only comment on if I found the premise plausible and stuff like that.
Also had a look at "The Oscillation". I guess if you become a critic it helps you to criticise your own work and improve it before other people do.
Guys, have a look at "The Fountain of Youth". It has had no comments so far. It actually makes you want to read on, and see what's going to happen. Might learn from it.
Read the whole of "The Fountain of Youth". Really good script, the best I've seen on here.
Good on you for reading scripts but you don't have to leave a running commentary of what you're reading. People will see you making an effort.
I tried to read the first 10 pages of this I honestly I did but like one reviewer already stated, there's too much dialogue and it isn't the best. I would scrap this for now, put it away for a few months and maybe write a short and learn to develop your action.
Pages: 1, 
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The Lightship
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