SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is May 26th, 2019, 3:36pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Writers' Tournament is back...


The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Four Walls Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Four Walls  (currently 2013 views)
Don
Posted: February 9th, 2012, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12993
Posts Per Day
1.94
Four Walls by Chris Ray (kip) - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A man wakes in a room with no idea how he got in there. 5 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
dogglebe
Posted: February 9th, 2012, 10:08pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



This was an interesting read, Chris.  Unfortunately, it didn't build too much once who established that 'Man' was locked in in the room.  You need to build a little suspense as the story happens.

I would recommend giving your main character a name.  We, the reader, would feel closer to him if we knew him as 'Bob' as opposed to 'Man.'  And get rid of the uppercase dialog; it's annoying to read.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 25
MS1
Posted: February 9th, 2012, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
13
Posts Per Day
0.00
Chris,

This felt like the powerful beginning to a great thriller. For me, it didn't make for a complete story, just the beginning of one, but one that I'd definitely want to watch. I want to know why the guy is in there and what this place is. Have you thought of lengthening this a bit or even making it into a feature?

All the best,

Mark
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 25
irish eyes
Posted: February 9th, 2012, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1676
Posts Per Day
0.50
It was nicely wrote, but as Phil stated give the man a name, it creates a more personal feeling when reading it.
Also you have way too many wrylies or actor`s directions in your script, actor`s know how to act, you don`t need to tell them..
Maybe overkill on the cursing IMO and lose the uppercase dialogue, we can tell that he is shouting, just by the language you use.

Mark


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 25
bert
Posted: February 10th, 2012, 8:15am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4519
Posts Per Day
0.88
Interesting, but way too much dialogue.

The CAPS IS ANNOYING -- as they say -- but even then, most of the dialogue isn't even necessary, as it is repetitive and laden with profanity.  I don't mind profanity, but do reach a point where enough is enough.

Cut the "talking to himself" by at least a third -- but I would say even more than that -- make every line really count -- and this will be more compelling.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 25
CoopBazinga
Posted: February 10th, 2012, 11:38am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Perth, Australia
Posts
1225
Posts Per Day
0.45
Hey Kip,

Iím afraid I couldnít get into this one, felt very repetitive to me if Iím honest. As Phil mentioned a name would have been nice and definitely lose the caps, they grew old fast!

I didnít like the parentheticals (to himself) who else would he be talking too? Just felt they werenít needed.

Also this line to the woman gave me a chuckle ďAny other time baby.Ē Didnít seem like the kind thing he would say in his situation but maybe thatís just me.

Also wondered about the growl? Itís not really explained but the whole 5 pages arenít explained to be fair so...who knows?

Though the story didnít work for me as it is, I thought your action was pretty neat and nicely written and ending left it open to lots of possibilities. I just canít help feeling that this is a small part of a bigger picture

All the best with it.

Good work and keep writing.

Steve
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 25
Dreamscale
Posted: February 10th, 2012, 11:46am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10742
Posts Per Day
2.56
Oh boy...

So, we've got a 5 page ripoff/alternate take on the movie "Cube" from 1997.  Only this time we have full frontal nudity, both make and female on display, as well as numerous couples engaged in full on sex with nothing covering them whatsoever.  Uh huh...

The swearing and CAPPED dialogue is quite irritating.  I actually was laughing with the "arse" and "arsehole" stuff.  That's classic.

Punctuation is poor throughout.  We've got asides and completely unnecessary details, words, and writing throughout.  But the capper has to be the last 1/2 page, starting with, "The view changes to an aerial view of the room.  Then we're treated to a ton of camera direction that makes about zero sense, if you think about it.

Check this out...

The wonderful wrylie "(screams at ceiling)" is a big issue, especially since it's placed right here before we somehow bust through the ceiling and then are able to look down right through all the ceilings.  See what I'm saying?  What happened to the ceilings?

OK, enough.  It seems like this writer just watched one of the Cube movies and decided to write a 5 page short completely based on that once original premise.  This doesn't go anywhere and nothing is remotely resolved, meaning the whole thing is a waste, IMO.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 25
Kip
Posted: February 10th, 2012, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


At my signal, unleash Hellboy

Location
St Albans, England
Posts
73
Posts Per Day
0.03
Hello everyone. Thanks for taking the time to give this little thing a read.

I'm a complete newbie at this, which is abundantly evident from some of the comments, so the feedback will be taken on the chin and absorbed. I'm here to learn, so will be paying closer attention.

Dreamscale, with regards to "Cube", I haven't actually seen it. Although looking at it on IMDB, I can see exactly where you're coming from. Thanks for pointing that out.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 25
Forgive
Posted: February 10th, 2012, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1434
Posts Per Day
0.43
Hey Kip - nice to see you on the boards.

You've had lots of pointers so far, so I don't want to go over what other people have said too much, but here's what I saw:

#He slaps the wall to try and draw attention.
Should be -
-- He slaps the wall.
How do you show the viewer that he is trying to draw attention?

#Heís never felt anything like it before.
How do we know this? How are you informing the viewer of this?

#his ear against the wall, desperately hoping to hear something, anything.
#puts his ear to the floor and listens for a moment.
#Frustrated, he sits back on his heel
#he slides them across its surface, searching for an entrance,
#his mind working overtime.
#he hesitates, trying to work out how it got there.
#he frantically searches for where the food entered from.
#His head cocks, aware that something is in the room with him.

These are all unfilmables, as they stand. (Some of which, you might have been able to slip into the dialogue, instead of the annoying CAPS).

Focus on what you can see and hear.

Best of luck with it.

Simon
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 25
Kip
Posted: February 10th, 2012, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


At my signal, unleash Hellboy

Location
St Albans, England
Posts
73
Posts Per Day
0.03
Thanks Simon.

I was under the misapprehension that shouting be capitalised, so apologies to everyone for that. I consider my wrist well and truly slapped for that.

As far as the actions are concerned, I'm not sure how I could have written it differently. Remove the emotions? Any pointers? I know you should try to show people not tell them, but I wrote it as I was seeing it in my mind. And you really don't want to know what goes on in there...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 25
Forgive
Posted: February 10th, 2012, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1434
Posts Per Day
0.43
He picks up an apple that lies next to him. He squeezes it and smells it. Itís real.
MAN
WHAT YOU GIVING ME FOOD FOR, HUH?

Always options: One might be - he takes a bite, nods or something - then we know it's real, so we can loose the bit from the action line.

Or he can simply say it's real - instead of the dialogue that's there at the moment - depends where you want the story to go.

It's probably a tricky script to write if you are a newbie - so maybe think on other ideas?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 25
Kip
Posted: February 10th, 2012, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


At my signal, unleash Hellboy

Location
St Albans, England
Posts
73
Posts Per Day
0.03
Cheers Simon,

I'll bear that in mind.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 25
Britman
Posted: February 10th, 2012, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
Not in Britain
Posts
57
Posts Per Day
0.02
As others have said this has already been done in the movie The Cube (great movie BTW and you should watch it immediately although I didn't care for the sequels). Way too much dialogue and way too much swearing. The swearing comes off really cheesy. I understand it's hard to lose the dialogue and end up with a script that is all action but the reality is anyone in your character's situation is not going to be have so many conversations with himself. Instead concenrate more on a good story. Good luck!


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Dark (the series) by James Williams
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 25
B.C.
Posted: February 11th, 2012, 10:53am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Parts Unknown
Posts
264
Posts Per Day
0.09
Hi Kip.

Log-line intrigued me, I'm into stories like this. (there are alot of them, though. And yeah, Cube is probably the most well known).

As you say, you're a newbie so alot of the things that are wrong with the script (the CAPPED dialogue) can be be forgiven. Don't worry about them, because they are easily rectified. You can learn all that technical stuff on this forum real quick.  

If this is your first (or one of your first) stabs at screenwriting then I think you should be given a 'well done'. You might be a natural. You do alot with a little, which can be a skill in itself, and the atmosphere that you wanted does come through. I liked the silent walls idea.  

The negatives -- the man's dialogue is pretty terrible. As others have mentioned, you could cut out most of it and let his actions do the talking. Definatly get rid of when he's shouting at his captors. Not only is it cheesy, it actually makes your character look like a bit of a tart, and you don't want that. You want us to root for him/feel his claustro-panic.

The bit with the naked woman showing up lets this down, especially when he starts shouting at the percieved voyeur-pervs.

Just a tiny note about 'unfilmables'. Alot of people will tell you that you cannot under any circumstances write things like 'his minds working overtime' because we can't see that on the screen. I'm one of the annoying idiots that thinks you can use stuff like this...but only in moderation, If it absolutely racks up the tension that little bit extra, use it. But never use at as a blanket substitute to actual action, because thats just lazy writing.

Your ending was predictable, but it's fine. Most things are.

Well done. I liked it. Keep writing, you will get better and it would be good to see.

Read and contribute here.    
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 25
Kip
Posted: February 11th, 2012, 11:58am Report to Moderator
New-ish


At my signal, unleash Hellboy

Location
St Albans, England
Posts
73
Posts Per Day
0.03
Thanks for the input guys.

I must admit to a certain amount of trepidation posting on here. I didn't know what to expect. I'm under no illusion about the quality of anything I write, so it's good to have pointers on the obvious big no-no's.

I've read a few scripts on here so I think the formatting was ok, but puncutation appears to be an issue that needs addressing too.

As far as commenting on other peoples scripts is concerned, I was initially hesitant about it, only because I wasn't sure what I could meaningfully contribute to anything posted. I'll have an opinion about things, but didn't want to sound like a complete tool. Anyway, I'll keep going.

Cheers.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 25
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006