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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Eagle Eyes Moderators: bert
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  Author    Eagle Eyes  (currently 1192 views)
Don
Posted: February 13th, 2012, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Eagle Eyes by Asad Ali - Short, Drama - Story of two guys who were looking for the perfect person to rob. 4 pages - pdf, format


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marnieml
Posted: February 13th, 2012, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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I'll never understand why anyone who aspires to write a screenplay doesn't take the time to learn the format.  It's really not that difficult.  Set your margins and tabs in WORD, use slugs for location, space properly, CAP characters when intro'd.  Those few rules will make your screenplay look like a screenplay.  And it will help your readers stay focused on your story instead of getting distracted.  Those basic rules can be found by just Googling "proper screenplay format" and would take you all of maybe 10 minutes to set in Word.  OR...use Celtix.  A FREE screenwriting program that sets all the tabs/margins for you.

As for your story...it's all dialog.  Even if these guys aren't doing anything, break it up.  show us their surroundings.  Show us some gestures to flesh out their personalities.  Show us something.  If not it's just two talking heads.  If you want us to care about what's going on, get us invested in these guys.  Dialog is only one part of it.  

Keep writing!!


  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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mcornetto
Posted: February 13th, 2012, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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Here's an excellent sample script that teaches format.

http://www.oscars.org/awards/nicholl/scriptsample.pdf
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Steex
Posted: May 8th, 2012, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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You might want to read some more screenplays to understand the craft and create a better visual for the reader. Also, like stated above, the formatting is off, and it's mostly uninteresting dialogue.
I have no idea what these two characters look like or who they are.
I didn't feel as if anything bad was really going to happen to anyone in your story, as far as I know, these are just some punk kids talking trash.

Also, there was a pretty big movie with the title "Eagle Eye".
Adding an 's' to the end doesn't do much.


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Forgive
Posted: May 8th, 2012, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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No responses from the guy - it's a real beginners script - let's see if he pipes up.
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Steex
Posted: May 11th, 2012, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Most likely he won't.


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danbotha
Posted: May 11th, 2012, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Syed Asad Ali.

I'm in agreement with everyone else here. The formatting of the script gets incredibly annoying, so much so that I didn't even get past the first page.

Other posters have already pointed out the main issues so I won't go any further. What I will say is this... Have a look at the link posted above. It's a great example of how a screenplay should be formatted.

I hope you're around as SS really is a great learning tool. Already, I've learned so much and I hope you learn from this website.

Daniel


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juicebox1
Posted: May 19th, 2012, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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The dialogue felt pretty clunky and unrealistic. It also doesn't really seem to go anywhere, and we don't get a sense of either of these characters' personalities.
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Mehdoh
Posted: May 19th, 2012, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with all of the above posts. In addition, I don't even understand the dialogue. It doesn't make sense to me at all. There are parts that I get but what does it mean when they say "Give yourself an autograph somewhere in this football sitting on your shoulders stating………." or "..Full stop. Write it in big Red letters and underline this". This just doesn't make sense to me at all.
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Gage
Posted: May 20th, 2012, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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I don't think English is the author's first language, is all.  Maybe if he showed up on the boards he could clarify...?


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