Bionics: Evolution :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Hi Lee - I had a look at your background & I have to say that I was a little suprised to see this here.

I'm guessing this has to be a first draft.

Logline doesn't really do anything for me - sounds like a Million-dollar man, but doesn't really give us any indication of the story.

I read a few (17) pages & decided to bail. I did a quick mid-way check to see if anything had improved. Not entirely convinced.

Stuff like this:

# The jet’s door opens and the stair folding out;
-- doesn't read correctly.

I think you need some character description for Tillman - he appears to be your main man, and there is no description at all.

There's a little too much description - ex. when the senator gets into the SUV - this can be done with a third of the words you've used.

I think you've over used semi-colons, and just plain mis-used them in some case.

Although you've been very detailed in some places, in others you've missed what could have been good detail - Tillman's weapon for example.

When we get to the Sudanese rebel leader there is no description of the setting. IMO, when we first use a setting, it's useful to give some kind of description as to what it looks like - otherwise the reader is left a little 'blind'.

A couple of time's you've done (Cont'd) as a misplaced wryly.

P4 SFO 3 has no dialogue - just laughng in a wryly - this is usually okay to but in an action line.

# to the left is jungle’s edge to the left.
-- this is partly why I think it must a first draft?

You have a tendency to change from 'Dallas Tillman' to 'Dallas' - for consistency, it's often better to stick to one - either first or last name, but usually only one is needed.

The SFO's feature quite a bit, and have dialogue, so may be better to give them names - or focus on a couple of them and give them names and the bulk of the dialogue.

Apart from these technicalities, story-wise, it could work fine. It doesn't appear to be radically different from anything else that has been produced, but structurally it's okay - action scenes to start out, followed by suit scenes that develop the plot.

The script does move a little better as the story moves forward.