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Peaking by Brandon Mishawn H. (manbiteskittens) - Short - Fueled by apprehension about the direction of their lives, Two high school grads have encountered a night of mischief and misadventure that culminates at the school soccer field. 12 pages - pdf, format
Page 1 You had 4 wrylies/ actor directions... Actors know how to act, put it in your description if anything. Lisa(exhausted).....further down the page Lisa(exhausted)...Not needed.
Continued bottom off page1 and start off page 2 Software issue perhaps?
Page 2
Jamie searches for something that she knows should be underneath the bleachers. Lisa watches, unamused. Jamie finds the item she is looking for; it is an old soccer ball. Jamie marches her way back to Lisa and stops inches away from her face.
This could be toned down....As Lisa watches unamused, Jamie finds an old soccer ball under the bleachers. Tucking it under her arm, she marches towards Lisa, stopping inches from her face.
Again actor directions in nearly every dialogue.
page 3 LISA (Passive) What are we doing here. ..... no ? JAMIE (Chastising tone) Do you remember. ...... no ? JAMIE (CONT’D) DO YOU! ........ no ?
Actor directions again
Page 4
Actor directions
LISA (Unwilling) What are you doing. ..... no ?
Page 5
More actor directions and more missing ?????
Lisa Stares Jamie down confrontationally...... stares no capital S
page 6
Actor directions
LISA fires shot after shot at Lisa and Lisa stops each one and tosses it back at Jamie with a "take that" demeanor..... I think you mean JAMIE.. It`s very hard to shoot at yourself in soccer
Page 7
actor directions
LISA throws the ball at Lisa and it hits her in the head..... You mean JAMIE again
Lisa marches to Jamie.... Jamie marches to Lisa.... This is the 4th or 5th time I noticed "marches" mix it up use other terminology
page 8
more actor directions
and more marching
after more directions and missed ???? I got to page 11 fade out/fade in??? unnecessary... once you fade out, your script is finished.. maybe cut to: is suffice.
Overall the story itself based entirely on 2 characters was nicely wrote, it was kinda of an anti-climax... i was expecting some superhero powers from from Lisa and her goalkeeping abilties
A lot of grammar mistakes.
Read a lot of scripts on this site and you will do well.
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Peaking
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