Hey Ed,
I owed you a read so decided to crack your script open and give it a read.
The main problem for me is the story, it feels like it ended just when it was getting to the best part. Also you have to ask the question, why is Ashok helping Barry? He seems like a powerful guy with contacts when storming into Mike’s office so why not just beat the info out of Barry instead of doing a deal. Seems to convenient for me
It’s called Walking Possession and Barry is our protag but I didn’t feel for his story or situation because I didn’t know it, we concentrated on Mike’s stolen gems. I think you need to start this with Barry and what has happened to him, why is he being given a walking possession, overspending, in with the wrong crowd? What has led him to this path with Mike, how do they know each other?
I just think that we need to know more about Barry before we can care about him, does he have a wife and child at home to support, is that why he is going to these lengths with Mike? Obviously lots of questions are raised here but hopefully they will help you with a rewrite.
Onto the writing, I didn’t have many problems to be honest and think you’ve done okay overall. I can’t remember but I think this is your first script, apologies if I’m wrong. Like Dena, I thought the opening passage read very awkward and the slugs didn’t seem right with shabby, plush and so on but I understand why you did this. They all don’t have to be offices and that could solve your problem with here.
Look out for the consistency in your scripts, it’s a pet peeve of mine and I’d expect people to tell me about in my own work if they spot it. What I mean is the ages on first intro, you start like:
“BARRY, 24,” and then halfway through move to
“FRANZIL, (65)” with the brackets,
I know, petty but consistency like I said. It helps the read IMO.
Also keep an eye on character movements. In one scene it became confusing for me. Ashok stands and then moves closer to Barry, next thing he stands suddenly? I thought he was already standing? Try to be clearer with the descriptions.
I’m afraid this wasn’t for me and it’s mainly because it felt like a middle of a story. I feel like I missed the beginning and the end and just got the middle segment.
I would personally work on Barry’s individual story more and tie it into this story more. Maybe the stolen diamonds could have played some role in his predicament somehow? Maybe he could think about stealing Mike’s diamonds to help with his own agenda, just throwing out ideas. All the best with it
Good luck and keep writing.
Steve