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Limbo by Ieuan Hale - Short - A man wakes to find himself trapped in a concrete cell. With each second that passes by, things start to take a turn for the unusual as he attempts to find out exactly where he is. 3 pages - pdf, format
I really enjoyed this. Had me gripped from the start. Very well written and atmospheric. I could see the action while I was reading - so job done there!
Maybe consider changing the title though - it does kind of give away your reveal.
I've seen this before, nothing wrong with that, so I figured out where this was headed from the jump start. What I was looking for -- a fresh twist at the end, but you've brought nothing new to the table. It played out the way you intended -- so fair enough.
There was no good reason not to introduce the man as "Jack," when we first meet him.
For three pages, there should be no mistakes. Brush up on your format and your writing could be tighter. All of ours could. Proofread... proofread... proofread.
The best way to improve... is by reading good screenplays, watching good movies, reading good books, but don't take those books as gospel. Good effort, but not much of a story, JMHO.
Yeah, I must have seen this setup a thousand times. Absolutely nothing new here.
So, with that, there's good news and not so good news.
The good news - it looks like you're most likely a good writer who decided to try his hand at screenwriting. Strong prose shows through here.
Although the material is heavily cliched and seen many times before, it is handled well, without smashing us over the head with the imagery.
The not so good news - the "good writing" on display is heavily overwritten, much like a novel. Although just under 3 pages only, there's most likely an extra 1/2 page here that doesn't need to be.
Other than just plain old over writing, you've got orphans, incorrect and unnecessary POV's, way too many wrylies, and "CONTINUED"'s at the top and bottom of every page, which all inflate the script length..
As Ghostie mentioned, you need to intro your character properly.
No reason for all the "we see" shit.
No "BACK TO SCENE" after the incorrectly used POV.
Finally, near the end, you have a FADE IN for some reason. Even stranger is the fact you have no initial FADE IN when the script begins and no FADE OUT when it ends.
Get involved here at SS. It's a Quid Pro Quo kind of place. You'll be amazed how much you can learn, so quickly. Take care.
The only thing I have to add is that you may want to be more universal with your men in green at the end. I'm guessing they're emergency medical personnel. It reads a little strange to me since the emergency medical personnel in California don't wear green.
I thought they were Martians for a split second. You know, green men and all.
although it's common practice, a (beat) doesn't imply a pause. been reading several screenwriting books, and they all say it's incorrect to do so. just a thought.
WHINE not WINE
no need for the end. a FADE OUT will do instead.
not much more to add. if this was simply a writing exercise then I'd say well done. I agree with Dreamscale in that the prose was really strong. you just need some tweaking. as for the subject matter, it's super cliched. but once again, this was an exercise. come up with something more original and apply your skills to it instead.
This was very atmospheric. Definitely got a picture of what you were trying to do. Overall, it wasn't bad. Jack being introduced late threw me off, some of the descriptions had some passive voice in it, as well as telling over showing at times, but not enough to ruin it for me. Wasn't bad. Keep it up.
Nothing original here, this is a tale I’ve seen many times and you’ve brought nothing new to it. Also found it difficult to understand why you didn’t give your protag a name from the beginning?
On the writing side, space out your slugs, they looked very compact. Cut down some of the paragraphs, try to keep them at 4 max.
Get rid of “continued” on the top and bottom of pages, this is 3 pages long but could be tightened to 2 easily. Check your margins, some of the dialogue looked awry when I was reading.
It’s not all bad, you can tell a story no doubt but now you need to learn how to tighten it.
Read some scripts here on SS, jump in and get involved. You will be amazed at how much you’ll learn in a short space of time. Your also meet some great people along the way that are willing to help you improve.
Only by page 3 do you name your protag Jack, even though the woman called out his name on page 2
Wine should be Whine.
WE CAN make out... Try to avoid the WE CAN
Continues bottom and top of next page... maybe a software issue
a FADE IN on the right side towards the end of page 3 makes no sense
Then you finish with THE END.... why not fade out?
Besides that, the writing itself is very tight, but I feel like I just read this script a few weeks back from someone else, in other words not very original.
Hey guys. Thanks for all your comments, very much appreciated. I noticed many of you commenting on the fact that the word "continued" popped up an awful lot. The particular software i was using done this automatically which someone did allude to.
As for the story itself not being very original, i can understand. This was more of a writing exercise than anything. And that's not me excusing my lack of originality on this particular story, i'm just trying to brush up on my script writing skills, as we all are no doubt.
The fact that many of you seemed to like my writing really means a lot to me. I can get a bit carried sometimes with my writing and become very verbose, but i am learning. I realise the mistakes that i have made and will try to correct them on my next short.
Again, thanks very much for taking the time to read and comment. Appreciated.
Hi - thought I'd give this a read as you were on the boards - nice to see people piping back.
Story didn't go anywhere, and didn't have an proper ending - but what I did like was that you really built a great atmosphere - there was a really nice darkness to your writing, but it moved along really well, and got the reader involved. It made me feel you can really do something - like others have said - it needs tightening up a lot, but this stands out for me under 'potential'.
I can get a bit carried sometimes with my writing and become very verbose, but i am learning. I realise the mistakes that i have made and will try to correct them on my next short.
That's what it's all about, learning... and there is no better site to be on.
Good to hear back from you.... You're a good writer, keep it up.
I don't have much to add that hasn't been said. I think with a story like this, if you really wanted to have it be a mystery, you shouldn't title it the answer to the main question. He's trying to find out where he is and you named it Limbo? Not the best choice.
'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
I don't have much to add that hasn't been said. I think with a story like this, if you really wanted to have it be a mystery, you shouldn't title it the answer to the main question. He's trying to find out where he is and you named it Limbo? Not the best choice.
That's actually a great point, Felipe. And I'll admit, as soon as I saw the title and read the first few lines, any chance of a surprise or twist was out the window.
Hey guys. I do have to agree with you about the title. It was a bit silly of me to name it that, but you live and learn.
As for the story being "crappy", i have to disagree. The lack of originality has already been discussed and i hold my hands up to that, but i think the story itself is fine. Thanks for the comment regarding my writing, that's very much appreciated. This is only the second short that i have written, so will hopefully improve with time.
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