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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Inner Journey Moderators: bert
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  Author    Inner Journey  (currently 4194 views)
Don
Posted: April 5th, 2012, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Inner Journey by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) - Short, Drama - An unconventional counsellor seeks to explain to a new client the meaning of her inner journey, only to discover it is more complicated than even he could imagine.  Producer note: Drama, one location, two actors. 11 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Forgive
Posted: April 5th, 2012, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hey Bill - how are you doing - I can't open this - not too sure if it's just me 'n' my browser - but I tried it a few times...?
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mcornetto
Posted: April 5th, 2012, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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Opens fine for me (using Chrome).
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: April 6th, 2012, 1:06am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Accessed the file just fine with Firefox.

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 6th, 2012, 10:57am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Yep, opens fine.

Hey Bill, don't you love how everyone is just opening and closing your file?     It really helps, doesn't it?

HaHa...just kidding.  I'll give this a read a bit later.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 6th, 2012, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Thanks Don for posting.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Yep, opens fine.

Hey Bill, don't you love how everyone is just opening and closing your file?     It really helps, doesn't it?

HaHa...just kidding.  I'll give this a read a bit later.


I suppose its better than not being opened!!

Jeff, a read would be much appreciated, even if the thought of a Dreamscale once over causes a sweat to break out

I appreciate this is a little longer than my usual short scripts, so just as a reminder, i am very happy to share reads/return the favour.

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Forgive
Posted: April 6th, 2012, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi Bill - yes I finally managed to get this open - just my darn browser playing up...

Yeah - I really liked this. I thought it was really well woven - clues thrown in here and there, references that were returned to - and a nice heartwarming story.

At first I wasn't too sure about Terry toppling to his side - the hysterics bit there, but then again - it's part of a major trauma that he's dealing with, so I can go with that.

I can certainly see this being produced - very simple setting, just two people, and emotionally engaging.

Good stuff.

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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 7th, 2012, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Hey Simon, Thanks for the read.


Quoted from Forgive

Yeah - I really liked this. I thought it was really well woven - clues thrown in here and there, references that were returned to - and a nice heartwarming story.


Always difficult to now whether you have enough in, haven't made it too obvious etc so nice to here it worked.

I had a couple of options at the end, basically happy or sad. I suppose a producer could change this to suit their own wishes if agreeable.


Quoted from Forgive

I can certainly see this being produced - very simple setting, just two people, and emotionally engaging.

Good stuff.


This is probably the most producer friendly script i have written, so you never know.

Many thanks.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Nomad
Posted: April 7th, 2012, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Bill,

I liked this one.  Once again, your descriptions are great.  I felt the cold morning and the warmth of the afghan.  

This isn't really a subject matter that tugs at my heartstrings, but you conveyed the emotion of the characters nicely.  I'm glad you chose the happy ending.

Well done.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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jwent6688
Posted: April 7th, 2012, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Figured I'd post this messy slug just to get Jeff wound up...

INT. TERRY’S HOUSE - LOUNGE - NIGHT - LATER

Drop the LATER and save the dash for time of day only. We've already been to the lounge. Just use...

INT. TERRY'S LOUNGE - NIGHT

Nuff of the formatting. I'm not the guy for that anyway.

This was very good. Powerful stuff I didn't see coming. What TG stood for in reality was a nice touch. I was duped into thinking it was just his initials.

Really difficult to make any suggestions here because I think you did well. Frankie's repetitive (V.O.)'s at the end might not work as well on film, but I get what you were shooting for at that moment.

It seemed as if Frankie already knew who her mother was, so I didn't understand the need for the cat and mouse game. Especially because Frankie was smiling to that message at the end. Just a small question.

Anywho, good solid read. Easy to film. Good luck with it...

James


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 8th, 2012, 5:12am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


The effects of writing again....

Location
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Thanks Jordan and James.


Quoted from Nomad
Bill,

I liked this one.  Once again, your descriptions are great.  I felt the cold morning and the warmth of the afghan.  

Well done.


Thanks. I know what you mean about different scripts appealing more than others. To be honest Horror is not my thing.


Quoted from jwent6688
Figured I'd post this messy slug just to get Jeff wound up...

INT. TERRY’S HOUSE - LOUNGE - NIGHT - LATER

Drop the LATER and save the dash for time of day only. We've already been to the lounge. Just use...

INT. TERRY'S LOUNGE - NIGHT


Hands up, caught. Thats not good is it. Thanks for the suggestion.


Quoted from jwent6688

This was very good. Powerful stuff I didn't see coming.

Really difficult to make any suggestions here because I think you did well. Frankie's repetitive (V.O.)'s at the end might not work as well on film, but I get what you were shooting for at that moment.

Anywho, good solid read. Easy to film. Good luck with it...

James


Thanks, i appreciate the read and the feedback. As you say the VO at the end may need some changes but as long at the tone gets across to the reader, i am happy that a producer would cut to suit their wishes.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Pale Yellow
Posted: April 8th, 2012, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill.

I liked this. At first when Terry was taking pills yet he was a counselor, I thought oh lord...a counselor on medication *yikes*

It was a WTF moment near the end. I liked....wasn't expecting that at all. I love a short that has that unpredictable quality and you did it here.

Good job (again) ....I enjoy reading your writing.

Dena
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 8th, 2012, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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OK, Bill, as I "warned" you, I've given this a read.  

Looks like everyone likes or loves it so far, so that's great.  You know that even when you live in the desert, a little rain is going to fall, though.

I actually read this Friday, but decided to wait a few days.  Just read it again now, so I could be sure of what I wanted to say.

For starters, it's definitely not my genre of choice, nor is the subject matter anything that remotely interests me, so take that all into consideration.

This did very little for me.  It's 11 pages of either 1 or 2 characters onscreen, in 1 setting (other than the bus at the end), talking or doing very mundane things.  There is literally no action here, no interesting visuals, nothing to carry 10 or 11 minutes of film, IMO.

But that's always debatable and comes down to what you enjoy watching.  What's not debatable is that this entire premise here hinges on the audience not knowing that Terry is actually Tracy, or a trans-gender.  I would imagine that as soon as Terry is intro'd onscreen, "he" would look a bit off, to say the least.  I guess what I'm saying is that without visuals, this is going to work much better. With visuals, it's up in the air, IMO.

Your writing is pretty good.  There are some issues here and there.  A number of cases of overwriting, some awkward writing, some punctuation issues (commas), some Slug issues, and some grammar issues, both in your action/description lines and your characters' dialogue (but characters often speak "incorrectly", so as long as the author intended it, it's all cool - but if the mistakes are simply grammar mistakes, well then...).

I want to bring up your opening Slug and passage, because to me, it's so important to get off to a solid start...and here, you didn't, IMO.  You've got "SUBURBAN STREET, TERRY'S HOUSE- DAY".  It's debatable whether or not this opening scene has anything to do with a "suburban street", but for me, it reads confusingly for no reason.  The use of a comma in this Slug is incorrect and may be the cause of the problem.  It's really either a street or a house that you want here, not both.  Finally, the time, "DAY" is also a question.  Now, I know, many only use only DAY or NIGHT and many gurus and sites stress this.  I bring it up though, because 2 passages later, you show us a clock that shows it's 9:41 AM in the morning.  My point being, you use DAY in your Slug, but tell us it's actually morning.  Nit Picky?  Sure, maybe, but it's something that stuck with me, meaning that for me, at least, it was an issue.

I think the biggest issue for me that no one has addressed yet is the timing here.  We start at 9:41 AM.  Then, we skip to 11:41 AM.  Based on your Slugs, only a few minutes pass as Terry and Frankie chat.  We also know that Frankie supposedly traveled a long distance to get here (3 buses).  Terry tells her a client canceled an afternoon appointment and she could have it.

OK, so I'm not sure exactly what Frankie is supposed to do until that appointment comes up, as she doesn't have any money, doesn't have a car, and most likely isn't familiar with the hood they're in.

So, the scene ends and switches to NIGHT.  I guess we have to imagine Frankie left for 6 hours or so, and returned, but does that make any sense?  What happened to the afternoon appointment?  Why not just play this thing out in real time without having Frankie have to leave and return, which just doesn't make alot of sense?

For me, it's little things like this that mean so much, either positively or negatively.

It's a nice, happy ending here, Bill that seems to hit home with your readers, so that's cool.  For me, it doesn't do much, but it does show your talents as a writer, creating a story that successfully tugs at your readers heartstrings.  Usually a tough task to accomplish, so well done.

Hope this helps.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 8th, 2012, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

Location
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Hey Dena,

Thanks for the read.


Quoted from Pale Yellow
Hey Bill.

I liked this. At first when Terry was taking pills yet he was a counselor, I thought oh lord...a counselor on medication *yikes*

It was a WTF moment near the end. I liked....wasn't expecting that at all. I love a short that has that unpredictable quality and you did it here.

Good job (again) ....I enjoy reading your writing.

Dena


Arh the pills, the pills... yes, a small early sign thats all is not as it seems.

We discussed the ending and there were a variety of options. I could see someone filming this (i'd be lucky) in a much darker way.

all the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 8th, 2012, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
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Hey Jeff,

Thanks for giving this the Dreamscale. I do appreciate the close attention you give scripts and fully accept we are probably quite different in terms of what we enjoy.


Quoted from Dreamscale

This did very little for me.  It's 11 pages of either 1 or 2 characters onscreen, in 1 setting (other than the bus at the end), talking or doing very mundane things.  There is literally no action here, no interesting visuals, nothing to carry 10 or 11 minutes of film, IMO.


I will admit this is an attempt at the one location, two people, low budget script - easy and cheap to produce. i hope.

This left me with a couple of issues including VISUALS. So, my attempt to spice things up for a 10/11 minute film were;

1] split half into light; half into dark - aparting from mixing it up, it also correlated to a change in the tone and depth. The light being the meet you element, the dark being the understand you element. A sense of they, and the film, are going somewhere else.

2] Ethnic background - the hope was give Terry and his house some different character to add to the intrigue and unusual situation. However, this was also aligned with the sense of fate and journey that is associated with eastern religions and beliefs. Something that runs within the theme.

3] Part of the visuals were meant to be the extreme character arc experienced. The assured counsellor melting down by the end, frozen in terms of action, and temperature, on his door step. After a colourful teddy providing a sense of connection and element of loss whilst contrasting with the ethnic world he has built up.


Quoted from Dreamscale

But that's always debatable and comes down to what you enjoy watching.  What's not debatable is that this entire premise here hinges on the audience not knowing that Terry is actually Tracy, or a trans-gender.  I would imagine that as soon as Terry is intro'd onscreen, "he" would look a bit off, to say the least.  


True, and to be honest i don't have the experience to say how much of an issue this would be to a producer. With all that films provide and try to achieve, it didn't strike me as impossible. Indeed, could also be one of the clues that makes you say, i thought he looked funny!


Quoted from Dreamscale
There are some issues here and there.  A number of cases of overwriting, some awkward writing, some punctuation issues (commas), some Slug issues, and some grammar issues, both in your action/description lines and your characters' dialogue (but characters often speak "incorrectly", so as long as the author intended it, it's all cool - but if the mistakes are simply grammar mistakes, well then...).


As much as I try i am never going to be a natural writer, but with all the feedback i have on my scripts, plus those i read on others, i hope to improve.


Quoted from Dreamscale

I want to bring up your opening Slug and passage, because to me, it's so important to get off to a solid start...and here, you didn't, IMO.  You've got "SUBURBAN STREET, TERRY'S HOUSE- DAY".  It's debatable whether or not this opening scene has anything to do with a "suburban street", but for me, it reads confusingly for no reason.  The use of a comma in this Slug is incorrect and may be the cause of the problem.  It's really either a street or a house that you want here, not both.  Finally, the time, "DAY" is also a question.  Now, I know, many only use only DAY or NIGHT and many gurus and sites stress this.  I bring it up though, because 2 passages later, you show us a clock that shows it's 9:41 AM in the morning.  My point being, you use DAY in your Slug, but tell us it's actually morning.  Nit Picky?  Sure, maybe, but it's something that stuck with me, meaning that for me, at least, it was an issue.


Interesting, as i was led to believe keep away from morning etc, keep to day or night, unless obvious such as dusk, sunset. Useful feedback.



Quoted from Dreamscale

I think the biggest issue for me that no one has addressed yet is the timing here.  We start at 9:41 AM.  Then, we skip to 11:41 AM.  Based on your Slugs, only a few minutes pass as Terry and Frankie chat.  We also know that Frankie supposedly traveled a long distance to get here (3 buses).  Terry tells her a client canceled an afternoon appointment and she could have it.

OK, so I'm not sure exactly what Frankie is supposed to do until that appointment comes up, as she doesn't have any money, doesn't have a car, and most likely isn't familiar with the hood they're in.

So, the scene ends and switches to NIGHT.  I guess we have to imagine Frankie left for 6 hours or so, and returned, but does that make any sense?


It may surprise you but i am glad you spotted this as it was something i wrestled with. So why did i do it.

1] Visuals - i wanted to push the light dark aspects to give depth

2] Reality - it seemed more unlikely to turn up and go straight into a session. The cancelled client, come back later, seemed better, plus - maybe i should have stressed this more - reflected a desire on Frankie part to take part. Her action of returning.

3] buses - yeah, this bothered me. i wanted the sense she travelled far, thereby showing real reason but also once she left, she had really gone. How to get there in three buses by that time - good question. One option, i didn't include, was to suggest it was over night. May have resolved that.

I did have other scenes with her waiting across the road watching "weird" clients come and go but, rightly or wrongly, chose to keep it in house. Maybe an error.


Quoted from Dreamscale

It's a nice, happy ending here, Bill that seems to hit home with your readers, so that's cool.  For me, it doesn't do much, but it does show your talents as a writer, creating a story that successfully tugs at your readers heartstrings.  Usually a tough task to accomplish, so well done.


Yeah i understand its not for everyone, indeed i wonder whether the "it doesn't work out ending" is stronger. I suppose i like happy faces.

To answer your final question "hope this help?" - yes it does, even we don't agree on everything.

Thanks for the read.

You going to post something new one day - others than The Cabin 2.

cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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