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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Something Special Moderators: bert
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  Author    Something Special  (currently 1267 views)
Don
Posted: April 25th, 2012, 8:10am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Something Special by Tony Campbell - Short, Drama - A vulnerable young man struggles to keep his independence while all around him try to take advantage. 14 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 29th, 2012, 1:18pm
revised script
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Videoteq
Posted: April 25th, 2012, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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To see is to hear what you smell with your eyes

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Missing words

If you don’t learn your
periodic tables *that* will be you

Grammar

For your teas? teas? You mean "For your tea"

Dated language - is it meant to be? Doesn't fit with using phones as video cameras.

You do know he was a fag don’t you
Dan?
DANNY
What?
JOEY
A queer. A homo. A pervert

A long story about teen angst, but I have to say I didn't find it very captivating. I suspect that if you cut it down hugely it would come over better, but, what story are you trying to tell?


Robert F
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toecampbell
Posted: April 25th, 2012, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks very much for your feedback.  It's very much appreciated.  You have correctly picked up on the fact that it is a slightlly older piece.  I have posted it here to get some feedback as I have recently rewritten it, well slashed it, down to pages. I was hoping that some kind soul might read both drafts and confirm my thoughts.  I think I might just take this draft down and post the short version.  Thanks again for taking the time to read it.
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Videoteq
Posted: April 25th, 2012, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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To see is to hear what you smell with your eyes

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Yes, the shorter version may pack more punch.

By the way, have a look at "Writing Short Films:Structure & Content for Screenwriters" by Linda J Cowgill

Really excellent book (also available as an eBook)  - very intelligently written. Should be required reading for everyone.


Robert F
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toecampbell
Posted: June 17th, 2012, 6:29am Report to Moderator
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This is the new shorter, leaner and hopefully better draft.  
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Forgive
Posted: June 17th, 2012, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi Tony - thought I'd give this a quick read.


     DANNY
You here Daniel. By yourself. I
don’t know how much longer I can
take it.
-- is this line meant to be Moira's?

Joey, Magic and Blimp take it in turns hammering a football towards Danny.
-- either it's 'footballs' or sentence needs a re-write.
-----------------
Joey turns and runs away from a furious Danny.

     JOEY
I don’t believe it. The goalie is
attacking the fans. Remarkable.

Danny jumps on Joey’s back.
-----------------
-- visually this doesn't quite come across right - if Joey was running way, Danny should follow, else he would be a distance away from Joey.

Splitting lines too much: Paragraphs shuld be kept short, but line splittng also has impact in that it can mirror shot sequences. Splitting lines for the sake of it loses impact

Seem to be double spacing after your periods?

I get the impression that Danny is supposed to be disabled, but I didn't feel that his language always matched that. This is something that you have to be careful with, as a primary clue to a disability is language. Some of Danny's dialogue felt a little too sophisticated for what his level of disability appeared to imply in other parts of the script.

I feel that your writing is almost there - it's at least going in the right direction, but for me there needs to be a better story here. I felt that in summary: - 'a disabled boy gets bullied, and runs away to his mum' summed up what happened.

One of the key interest angles here was Danny's sprinting against the car, but this isn't used further on. Good story-telling would normally suggest that such an interesting angle would be re-referenced later on. We're left to ask 'so what was the point of the car-chasing?'.

The death of the dog lacks any symbolic impact. Had there been an early scene - such as Danny visiting the vet (or any variety of alternatives), then the scene may have had more impact. It is not in its present state 'tied' into the story with any meaning - i.e. take the scene out and how does the story change. Not a lot. Let's say that instead of chasing cars, Danny sprinted against his dog - then say he was entering a running event - the death of the dog has added meaning. At present, Danny simply likes his dog, like every dog-owner does.

If you can find a decent story here it'd be worth pursuing, and there's a number of potential story angles - but as it stands - it needs a little more to engage the reader/viewer.

Best of luck with it.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: June 18th, 2012, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tony,

I read this one yesterday but I have to be honest and say that I got the same feeling as Simon about Danny being disabled. I completely agree with his comment on the dialogue but I’m still unsure whether he’s disabled or not? It’s a very delicate subject and needs to be handled with care but I think needs to be made clearer for the reader.

As for the story, well it’s very sad really isn’t it and left me feeling rather grim which I’m guessing is what you’re going for.

I have to admit to liking it for what it is, like I say it’s hardly going to be on my want to read list but after growing up around kids like the one’s here in your story, there’s a lot of truth in what they’re capable of.

And then having the dog die just added to my misery but again I agree with Simon (great minds think alike ) about giving the dog more meaning to the story. It will add weight to this part of the story but on the whole, it worked for me.

The writing on the other hand needs some work and there were lots of mistakes throughout. The slugs look all wrong and are enclosed together and need some breathing space. You capped some characters twice and one piece of dialogue looked like it was spoken by the wrong character.

This needs a good rewrite to make it a smoother read.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 18th, 2012, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tony, tried to give this a read for you, but I'm stopping on page 3, as there are numerous issues going on, over and over, and I'm completely unclear what's supposed to be going on and why.

The Slug "SCHOOL GATES" is incredibly unclear, and just not a good visual way to get started.  The "CLASS ROOM" scenes have no ages of any characters given, which again, just adds to the lack of clarity of what this scene has to do with Danny.  I don't even have a clue what Danny is doing, as in racing cars or something.

The writing here needs attention throughout...grammar, structure, punctuation, visualization, etc.  Too much meaningless detail at times, and then complete lack of detail when necessary.

Turn off the "CONTINUED" stuff on tops and bottoms of pages.

Just not working for me, but I hope this helps a bit as you continue your screenwriting journey.

Best of luck.
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toecampbell
Posted: June 18th, 2012, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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I just want to say thanks to everybody who has taken the time to read this.  Especially for your very useful comments and constructive criticism.  I'm sure they'll help me to become a much better writer. Hopefully once I've finished a few of my own pieces I'll find the time to comment on other writers work.  
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danbotha
Posted: June 22nd, 2012, 6:28am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tony,

Thought I'd give this read after reading comments and seeing you around. I'm going to start off by saying that I thought this story was brilliant and the way you told it delivered as well. I'm not ashamed to admit I had a lump in my throat by the end of it. I'm a big softy when it comes to stories like this.

I was also a little confused when it came to Danny's disability. I wasn't sure if he was just a target in the community or if he had a disability. Or both.

I was a little confused when I saw comments on mistakes that you made as I really didn't notice too many at all. Maybe I was just too engrossed with your story, I don't know.

Something I did notice was the way you wrote your slugs. You don't seem to put spaces after "INT" or "EXT". From what I've seen in the comments here, no one else seems to have a problem with this, but it doesn't quite sit right with me.

Page 4: "Danny looks down at Freddie is panting at his feet" - You can make the writing a little cleaner here by just getting rid of the "is". Have a look around the rest of your script for these little unnecessary words.

Page 7: "AMBER and SARAH, both fourteen and glammed up in tracksuits and nose rings enter the room." - I actually laughed at this. I'm struggling to see how someone can look "glammed up" in a tracksuit... Just can't picture it.

Other than those few minor things, I think you've done an extraordinary job on the story for this. I wasn't kidding with the lump in the throat  

Send a PM if you want me to elaborate.

Great work, man.

Daniel


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1211kellie
Posted: June 30th, 2012, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Tony,

An interesting read which I found disturbing on many levels. I wasn’t really focussing on the formatting the only thing I did notice was ‘the tin of dog’ which amused me.

Good work.

Kellie


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toecampbell
Posted: July 2nd, 2012, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to Daniel and Kellie...I'm really pleased you enjoyed the read.  I've tried to write Danny as a vulnerable adult.  I didn't want to be too specific and label him with any particular disability.  I didn't want it to be an "autistic film" or an "aspergers film".  Although, having said that, I did have some interest from a company who were looking for screenplays to raise issues about mental health.  The script definitely needs another polish, I'm aware of that!  I hadn't even noticed the "tin of dog", so thanks for pointing that out.
"Glammed up in tracksuits".  I suppose the image I was hoping for was of the two young girls with their hair done, loads of make-up, but dressed in trainers and tracksuits.
Thanks again for taking the time to have a look at my work and for your very useful feedback.
Tony
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