Agnes by Austin Bennett (ABSteel) - Short, Drama - An lonely old lady and a neighborhood teen bond over weekly chores. 5 pages - pdf, format

Agnes from Jason Lyle Garrett .

Looks well written - first impressions are fairly good.

I agree the scene numbering is a bit off-putting.

(O/S) is normally written (O.S.) as far as I know.

It's really unfinished, isn't it - it gets to the point where there is conflict - things needing to be resolved, and then pulls out. It really needs finishing if you are going to do justice to it - it played out quite nicely, so I hope you tackle the rest of it.

Simon

Well written, with a few minor quarks...  You're writing in production mode and a few instances of cam work.  Nothing that can't be fixed in a second or two.  

Loved the way it was written.  Read nice, clean and down the line.  If I didn't look at who wrote it, I'd have for sure thought it was going to end in the old lady cooking Danny's face on the skillet next to the ham sandwich or something absurd like that... and believe me, that's where half this board would've probably taken the story -- Prolly even myself.  Only, I'd have had it be a turkey melt.  Ham is so unoriginal when it's cooking next to someone's face.  

I do agree there was little resolve here... Danny took the money, yeah?  He's a thief... but then decides not to take any more of her money.  I know he mowed the lawn, but we don't know if the lawn was worth 20, 40, 60 or 80 bucks.  Just needs to be a bit more meat on the bone here.  Otherwise, awesome short.  Written well.  Good message, although an unattended one.  One we have to sort out a bit more than we should.

Before I make any comments, I would like you to know that I am only 14, so my experience of writing is quite limited.

I'm no formatting fanatic, so I have nothing to say there, but from what I can see, no problems there

I have to say (and remember I'm only 14) that I didn't really like the way this one ended. It felt like this story could have gotten somewhere. Just as I was getting into it, the story ended.

Overall, I think that this has been written quite well. Good job!

Hey Austin,

It's a nice read but feels undeveloped and in the end and I was wondering what it was all about?

We have a thief who can't be too bad as he didn't want to take her money at the end. You missed the opportunity for conflict here but I think you was trying to portray a story of a lonely old woman who is happy to overlook his stealing for a little company.

The writing's good on the whole, I agree with others about the scene numbering and camera directions. Also would have liked the opening slug to be more descriptive "Agnes house - living room" because I think this would have tied in better with the mini-slugs but that's a personal preference.

Good job.

Steve

Sorry that it's taken me so long to respond, but I haven't been able to use my computer lately. While I can read comments on my cell phone, I can't post to the message board.

Anyway, Coop Bazinga nailed it with his remark. "You were trying to portray a story of a lonely old woman who is happy to overlook his stealing for a little company." That's exactly what I wanted and I think I got it.

As far as the production stuff, I just finished directing this yesterday for my final project. I'll upload the video in a few weeks, after I'm finished with the edit.

Thanks for reading!

Agnes is being filmed in September!

Right off the bat, your logline is screwy.  An lonely old lady?  Or… A lonely old lady?

As far as the story – it’s an interesting story of grace and forgiveness.  I think this could be really good – but at this point it’s neither good nor bad for me.  To me, it just seemed a little ‘blah’ – nothing special, though nothing bad, necessarily.  A few little errors, but nothing spectacular.  

The concept is a timeless concept.  The dialogue was a little blasé, sometimes on the nose, the action writing was functional only.

Good luck to you in future re-writes.

NOTES:
p. 1 – FADE IN: should be on the right side of the page.

As a writer you shouldn’t be directing camera shots, at least from EVERYTHING I’ve been told and read.

Why do you have scene numbers?  Turn that off in your writing program.  It’s annoying and un-needed.

I believe the correct way to indicate off-screen is (O.S.) not (O/S).  I’ve never seen (O/S)

p.2 – “Are you okay in there” should have punctuation at the end of it.  Preferably a question mark.

p. 3 – His nervous level increases.  This is really awkward.  Shouldn’t it be either “His nervousness increases” or “His level of nervousness increases”?  All 3 are awkward and feel a bit on the nose.  Why not say something like “His eyes immediately begin to shift back and forth.”  Obviously that is not great – but it SHOWS us instead of tells us that he is nervous.

Chazz,

Thanks for the read. I filmed this myself for a film class, so the scene numbers were important.
I've never, ever seen FADE IN on the right side of the page. It's always on the left, according to my award winning screenwriting instructor.

It being a shooting script gives me the right to include camera directions. The finished product turned out okay. I'm not a director, but I made a B-, so not bad.

While shooting, my actors improvised a new, better ending and we shot a completely new opening sequence.

I don't think I'll be rewriting this script, but thank you for reading. I've downloaded yours and I'll give it a read tonight.

Congrats on getting it produced.  That's gotta be a good feeling.

Good luck with new scripts, then!

Chazz

Thank you Chazz.

FADE IN should be left aligned.  We read from left to right.  FADE OUT is right aligned.

For some reason, FD automatically puts the FADE IN on the right side, so users of FD think it's incorrect when  they see it properly left aligned.

That, and I NEVER use FADE IN: so it looks foreign no matter what.

Quoted from Dreamscale For some reason, FD automatically puts the FADE IN on the right side, so users of FD think it's incorrect when  they see it properly left aligned.

My FD puts FADE IN: on the left and FADE OUT: on the right...

Quoted from Grandma Bear My FD puts FADE IN: on the left and FADE OUT: on the right...

Then, yours is correct.  I've always heard everyone who uses FD saying that they had to manually insert it on the left side, otherwise, it would show up right aligned.

Maybe you trained yours?