The Hot Lips Murder Mystery by Matthew Layden (the usual suspects) - Short - In an alternate 1940's Los Angeles, two detective must solve a murder at a sex shop.  15 pages - pdf, format

A sex shop?  How could I pass this one up?

Hey Matthew.

Hmm.  I'm not too sure how this is an alternate 1940's.  Maybe because they used APB's in your story?  I'm pretty sure 'All-Points Bulletins' didn't come around until a decade or two later.  Other than that, I'm not too sure how it's an alternate reality.

Story-wise, this is okay.  I noticed some conflict between the coroner and detectives and I'm not too sure why.  It never gets resolved.  Is this a serial series and their backgrounds will come out more in future episodes?

You do have a twist, and it is an okay twist, but I think I was expecting a little bit of a bigger one.  It just seems like it fizzles at the end for some reason.

To get this one filmed, it'll be expensive in a short to have to replicate 1940's cars and costumes.  This is a story that can easily take place now-a-days, so I'm kind of curious as to why this had to take place in the 40's.  I know you were probably going for the atmosphere, and I did like the 40's vibe, (I'm biased), but if it does get picked up and filmed by a small company or director, they'll probably update it to current times just to help budget.

But all in all, not a bad story going on here.  If this is part of a serial, I would probably read another one to get a little more background of the characters.

And did you mean for the font to look old-school like that?  It looks like it's from the 40's.

- Mark

Hey Matthew, I have some free time today so I'm getting caught up on some of the newer shorts.

First of all, this is one of those PDF's that looks odd and also scrolls oddly.  Not sure what it is or why, but every now and then, I come across them.

All in all, this is isn't bad, but it's far from good, IMO, and the overall feeling I'm left with is "what's the reason for this script?"  Let me explain as I go.

Your title tells us there is a mystery here, but there's really no mystery at all.  It's a by the numbers detective procedural after an O.S. murder, of a character we never meet and know almost nothing about.

We really don't know much about anyone or anything, when you think about it.  All the action takes place around the investigation, which seems to happen extremely quickly and easily, almost like an old video game where you have no choice where to go or what to do, and anything you do proves to be a success.

I kept waiting for a mystery or some revelation, but it never occurred, and because of that, I was left very underwhelmed.

Writing -wise, it's OK, but there are numerous mistakes of every kind on display on every page.  Alot of times, your action takes place away from the Slug you're supposedly in.  There are typos, grammar errors, and lots of punctuation issues (commas).  IMO, it's a bulky read that tries to give lots of info, but in reality, doesn't offer all that much.  Asides are a pet peeve of mine and you've got several in here.  Many lines contain completely unnecessary words, and although they may not officially be orphans, they work the same way, and IMO, these 14 pages could easily be condensed to 11 or less.  There's also an awful lot of what I call awkward phrasing, or just poorly structured sentences that really cripples the read.

Now, as I said, the writing here is "OK", and is better than alot, but, there's alot to be desired, IMO.

Finally, let's look at your logline.  There's a glaring typo that's always a bad sign, but maybe more important, is what Mark brought up - alternate 1940's?  Huh?  What makes this an alternate?  And, why set this in the 1940's?  There's literally no reason that I can see that setting this in the 40's brings, other than a shitload more cost if someone wanted to film it.  And also, keep in mind that period pieces are tougher to get right, period, and if you're dealing with less than Pro talent, including Production, it's gonna come off looking downright terrible.

So,those are my feelings.  For what it is, it's not bad, but it just doesn't bring anythign to the table that I can see, and because of that, for me, it's a big letdown.

Hope this helps and makes sense.

This was a writing exercise between a friend of mine and myself. Kind of like the NYC midnight challenge, where we give each other a location/prop/genre. I got 1940's mystery/Sex Shop/Training Wheels. Never intended for it to be filmed.

With some research, no Sex Shops existed in the 1940's, so to accommodate, I made it an alternate 1940's. As well as the APB's. Dreamscale brings up the "old video game" style it shows, which is what I was kind of going for. I tried writing it as if it were an episode/mission of L.A. Noir.

Written in Final Draft, don't know if they makes it odd in PDF format to scroll.

A director who shot one of my scripts sent me the shooting script back in a Final Draft form, and it had your same print, kind of blurred or what not.  Are you using an older version of FD or the newest?  The director said he had an older version.

I didn't have any scrolling problems at all.  But, I think I talked with Jeff about this before...  I have problems scrolling through Jeff's scripts.  There's a lag and it's a little choppy whenever I read one of his.  (It's how I know if an OWC entry is his or not.  :-)

I don't know much about computers, so I don't know if it's the different screenwriting software we're using or the way our different .pdf programs are opening it that's causing the problems.

The story reads like a Dragnet episode.  Very clean and straight.  I just recently picked up a Whitman Publishing 1957 book of Dragnet stories, and they all went similar to this - only there was no gun fire in the whole book.  Guns were drawn, but there was no shooting.  All the stories were resolved cleanly, as this one is too.

So, you've been given the technical issues by previous reviewers, so I will just say that I did like the story.  You were given a tough set of parameters for a challlenge, and I think you did well.  A Noir piece it is, and I like it.

I use FD 7. When I open scripts it's choppy for me as well, not just mine. I have to click on the PDF image at the bottom to open Preview to get it to look proper.

Thanks for the kind words Steven. The parameters were definitely odd, so I tried my best with what I had.

Mark, you're saying my scripts open and and look that way for you?  I've never heard that before...damn!

For me, it's always FD scripts, but only a very small percentage.

Weird...

The font looks fine in yours, Jeff.  At least for me.  It's not blurred like this script was.

But for both 'Fade to White' and 'Unforgettable', when I scrolled down or up, it was choppy and there was a lag as it scrolled.  I don't remember if 'Key to My Heart' did it or not.  I know that 'No Meat' didn't do it, but I think you submitted that one in Microsoft.

In 'Hot Lips', the font was blurred, but I didn't have any scrolling problems at all.

I remember a thread a couple months ago, (I don't remember which one), you mentioned that a script was choppy when it scrolled.  Both me and Brett (I think it was Brett, Electric Dreamer) mentioned that when we read that script it scrolled fine for us, but your scripts are choppy when they scroll.  And you replied that some FD scripts do that same thing to you.

It is weird.  It's probably something to do with the way our different screenwriting software saves it to .pdf

Yet, this is only happening recently? I've used the same software to write and submit scripts before. No problems.

Quoted from TheUsualSuspect Yet, this is only happening recently? I've used the same software to write and submit scripts before. No problems.

I don't know about your earlier submissions, but it is not a recent problem for me.  Over the years, every so often, a script will look weird and scroll very irritatingly.  I just never knew anyone had a problem with the way my PDF's looked or scrolled - I'm bummed!!

This looks like in was scanned at some point - it's got the pixellated look of a scan.

I get the 'feel' of this - but I think life's in the detail. I'm wrong too many times to count but here's mine, and it's all in the first paragraph or so:

... wooden police barriers cut off the onlookers ... who try to peek inside the shop.

... journalists who try to peek inside the shop. Numerous officers ...

The difference between 'a' and 'the', I think, has a big impact in visual writing. 'A' shop is un-referenced, 'the' shop is referenced.

So: 'A' shop is in the background, and (he) walks toward 'the' shop.

The lines crash: the onlookers and the journalists need complete separation from the numerous officers.

The subject of the first sentence is the 'barriers', so we work from the barriers - if there's a new shot then that needs to be implied - if there's a continuous shot, then that needs to be implied - but if it's continuous, then the implication is that the camera moves -- from the barriers - to the onlookers - then to the officers - and the continuum isn't kept -- due to the full stop??

So my take is that it's the lack of detail to the shots that is subconsciously taking this down, when it's actually got some potential.

That's my two cents - and now I'm broke ...

I agree with Simon 100% and it's this kind of attention to detail that I often bring up.  It ain't "much", in terms of a word here and a few there, but it sure does make a difference in the read.

Good eyes, Simon... very impressive.

Thanks for the comments. The small details might seem like nothing, but if it puts the reader off, then it must be looked at.

I would ask everyone to open it in PDF format instead of using the link provided so it's not blurry and doesn't have the choppy scrolling.

Quoted from TheUsualSuspect I would ask everyone to open it in PDF format instead of using the link provided so it's not blurry and doesn't have the choppy scrolling.

How do I do that?