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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Anywhere But Up Moderators: bert
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  Author    Anywhere But Up  (currently 1570 views)
Don
Posted: May 6th, 2012, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Anywhere But Up by Gary A Jones (GaryJ5161) - Short, Web Series - When a video store managers store closes, he finds himself following his dream of being a Hollywood actor and soon realizes his luck is going anywhere but up. 12 pages - pdf, format


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danbotha
Posted: May 6th, 2012, 11:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Gary.

I wasn't able to get through this one, sorry to say. I'm not even sure why I stopped. It just wasn't working for me.

Just a few things...

Before I even started reading there were a few things that discouraged me. Before I started, I noticed 6 lines of action and straight after that, a huge chunk of dialogue. When this is the first thing that your readers see, they will probably feel quite intimidated. Try to break everything up a bit more.

I'm not entirely sure why you've capitalized VIDEO NATALIE... You don't really have an explanation of what it is until we go into the video store. I honestly spent ages (and this is going to sound stupid) trying to work out what Video Natalie was.

When you introduce Glenn, you don't capitalize his name. I wouldn't really have a problem with that if you hadn't capitalized every characters names, but Glenn was the only character you missed out with that. I once read that inconsistency in writing is the most annoying thing ever. I didn't believe that statement until now  

Your slug-lines confuse me senseless!...

INT. VIDEO NATALIE - DAY 1

INT. VIDEO NATALIE - MORNING DAY 1

Why not start with MORNING in the first slug-line? Sorry, If that seems picky, I don't mean to tear it apart.

After that, I stopped reading. I just didn't find myself interested in your story. Between the huge, chunky paragraphs and the inconsistency, I just couldn't finish it.

Most of the above is my opinion, so just wait and see what other people think of it.
Feel free to pm message me with any questions.

Daniel


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CoopBazinga
Posted: May 7th, 2012, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from danbotha
I once read that inconsistency in writing is the most annoying thing ever. I didn't believe that statement until now  


I couldn't agree more, Daniel

Hey Gary,

Sorry to say but I couldn't get far into this one, it looked very blocky on the page and although others won't agree, I found the underlining a real put off. Also the "talking heads"? I've never seen this before and again found it off putting and disrupting the read. Sorry.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve


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GaryJ5161
Posted: May 17th, 2012, 1:29am Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys for the feedback... I guess I should have just gone a simpler format for this one. I took a few scripts written from ABC and NBC (The Office, The Guild, Arrested Development and Community) and looked at how they formatted some of there stuff and they did it this way. They may have gotten away with something like this because the writers are more advanced. I am still a noob... Thanks for the insight. Bummer you guys didn't really get through the story, but thats why formatting is so important. Appreciate the feedback.

Best
Gary Allen
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Mehdoh
Posted: May 17th, 2012, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with the formatting issues mentioned above. There are a couple lines that are redundant and should be left out. I don't really get the talking head thing either. Break up the action blocks even if it's just with a space. It will make it easier to read. You never introduced Barry. He just sort of started with some dialogue. Try to write the dialogue how you would actually interact with a friend of yours. That will make it much more fluid. Dom isn't inroduced either.

Ummm....you get a tad racist on the moving scene. First you refer to them as Hispanic then change it to Mexican. Might want to make that a little more P.C and keep it Hispanic. A little more racist and sterotypical with Dom's dialogue too. I hope that's what you were going for. Maybe a politically incorrect joke of some sort? But then Adam says "not bery good" as if mocking Dom saying that but Dom never said that line so it doesn't make sense.

Be sure to use question marks after questions. It's too short to be an episode of anything. It seems like you were watching Clerks and got inspired to write this. It was dry and boring throughout (I read the whole thing). A lot of your jokes were cliche stereotypes that fall flat. Formatting aside, it just wasn't my cup of tea but a few more rewrites and a couple more jokes, you may have something fun and entertaining here.

Good luck!
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GaryJ5161
Posted: May 18th, 2012, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the taking the time.
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Ledbetter
Posted: May 18th, 2012, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Gary,

I’ve been in the dentist chair all afternoon and am running on pain killers right now so forgive me.

Just gave this a quickie. I have a few comments on it. In your opening scene where you have him in the living room. Instead of having him explain how he desperately wants to be a movie star, maybe show in the action how he has cut and pasted his face on the movie posters plastered on his walls.

You show he is a bit over the top about his obsession without ever having to say it. it’s also a double win because you can cut that dialog in half and show the same thing.

You’ve only posted here a couple of times and this most likely is your first script so congrats on you for that.

In fact, you’ve done a pretty good job here for someone just dipping their toe in the water.

You really don’t need to underline the Slugs.

Remember when you introduce someone like Glen, CAPITALIZE the name. Put a managers tag on him rather than explain he is the manager. We cannot see your explanation on the big screen but we can see a nametag.

Your dialog isn’t to bad but one way to lean it up and not make it too ‘on the nose” is to trim down words like “we are” to “we’re” In the natural sense of speaking, we typically condense our words so why not put them in your dialog like that aw well.

Another way to tighten up your script is to get a hold of the passive verbs. Explain things as you would as they are happening.

EXAMPLE-
Dom looks over to Adam, (giving) him a look of disgust. Adam
closes the door.


Dom looks over to Adam, (gives) him a look of disgust. Adam
closes the door.

See the difference?

By using the ‘ing”, it sounds as though the action is continually occurring rather then simply happening.

I’m not sure what the TALKING HEAD thing is about. Is that something done in Television shows?

I see as you progress in the script, you do become more at ease with the way they talk. It sounds more natural then the first part. Good job man!

All in all, you should be very proud of this work. It’s not bad. Not bad at all. In fact, I’m impressed with this effort especially considering your “newness” here.

Is 12 pages normal for a Pilot?

I’d read more of your work.

Shawn.....><
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Ledbetter
Posted: May 18th, 2012, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mehdoh
Ummm....you get a tad racist on the moving scene. First you refer to them as Hispanic then change it to Mexican. Might want to make that a little more P.C and keep it Hispanic. A little more racist and sterotypical with Dom's dialogue too. I hope that's what you were going for. Maybe a politically incorrect joke of some sort? But then Adam says "not bery good" as if mocking Dom saying that but Dom never said that line so it doesn't make sense.


I totally disagree with this comment. What's racist about switching from Hispanic to Mexican? They both work. It's not like switching from African to the N-word.

What's wrong with ethnic humor? The execution may need a bit of tweaking, but to call someone out and say they are being racist and Stereotypical for denoting an accent is down right bullshite.

You should be a little more careful about the words YOU choose when leveraging such arrogant accusation against someone. Your comments are far more inflammatory than anything I found in this script.

Shawn…..><

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GaryJ5161
Posted: May 18th, 2012, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Shawn, I felt the same way. Great feedback man, I truly appreciate it. I do need tweak this episode more to be more smoothly readable. And as for the format, it's set up for a web series. Which are usually 10-15 mins max. Thanks for the support. I am looking for a solid person to send pages and stuff... Maybe you might be interested? if so let me know.

Best
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Ledbetter
Posted: May 18th, 2012, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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Gary,

I'll be happy to offer what I can.

You just keep writing man. You have talent and I know there are a lot of people here willing to help out writers who are genuinely trying to make their mark.

Also, as a side note-

You will want to read and comment on other scripts here as well. It's a give and take community and so long as people see you putting in to other writers work, you will see people wanting to give you feedback in return.

Take care man.

Shawn.....><
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Mehdoh
Posted: May 18th, 2012, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ledbetter


I totally disagree with this comment. What's racist about switching from Hispanic to Mexican? They both work. It's not like switching from African to the N-word.

What's wrong with ethnic humor? The execution may need a bit of tweaking, but to call someone out and say they are being racist and Stereotypical for denoting an accent is down right bullshite.

You should be a little more careful about the words YOU choose when leveraging such arrogant accusation against someone. Your comments are far more inflammatory than anything I found in this script.

Shawn…..><



Arrogant? Inflammatory? I suggest you, sir, watch your choice of words. If you honestly don't see the difference between Hispanic and Mexican, I question your intelligence. Hispanic can be any individual from Latin America or Spain. Mexican is from Mexico. It isn't rocket science. There is a distinct difference. Mexicans are Hispanic. Hispanic are not Mexican.

Your ignorance is mind boggling. If a Mexican producer or director were to read this and saw the transition from Hispanic to Mexican, he or she would likely be pretty offended. I know my Mexican wife would be. Maybe if you try thinking about it from a business point of view you would see the practicality of what I'm saying and take a step off your high horse.

I suggest you re-read my comment and see that I didn't say anything was wrong with ethnic humor. He failed to introduce the Asian character aside from giving him an over-the-top Asian accent. Had he introduced him and made it clear who we were dealing with, it probably wouldn't have caught me so off guard. Oh and this may come as a shock to you but not all Asians have thick Asian accents.

And before referring to my comments as "inflammatory", perhaps you should look up the meaning of the word as nothing I said was inflammatory. Better yet, how about sticking to critiquing the script instead of hurling ignorant comments toward people who have given their opinion? Thanks.

And for what it's worth, I don't even care that you disagree with me. But next time, try to keep it professional without the personal attacks.

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Mehdoh  -  May 19th, 2012, 3:13am
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danbotha
Posted: May 19th, 2012, 12:00am Report to Moderator
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How's about we all just stick to critiquing the script. Then we don't have any problems...


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Ledbetter
Posted: May 19th, 2012, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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Mehdoh,

I'll refer you to your own words from the Trelby thread-

"This might be a stupid question but I'm new here so I'm allowed a little ignorance:"

Yes you are but that doesn't nor will it ever excuse you from calling another poster here a racist.

Don't think for a minute, that by putting the word "tad" in front of a word, you make it any less hurtful to that person.

Shawn.....><


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Mehdoh
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Quoted from Ledbetter
Mehdoh,

I'll refer you to your own words from the Trelby thread-

"This might be a stupid question but I'm new here so I'm allowed a little ignorance:"

Yes you are but that doesn't nor will it ever excuse you from calling another poster here a racist.

Don't think for a minute, that by putting the word "tad" in front of a word, you make it any less hurtful to that person.

Shawn.....><




Shawn,

I never once called him a racist. I said the he gets racist on the moving scene. It's obvious to anyone with a minimal level of reading comprehension that I'm referring to the script coming off as racist. I never once said "You're a racist" or anything along those lines. In fact, if you would again re-read my comment instead of taking things out of context, you would see where I said "I hope that's what you were going for. Maybe a politically incorrect joke of some sort?"

I was telling him to stay consistent throughout the script. If describing people as Hispanic, don't refer to them as Mexican or Puerto Rican or Columbian or anything else later in the script. Keep it Hispanic. If he had begun by calling them Mexican and remained consistent throughout, I wouldn't mind.

I can't stand the p.c. police as much as the next guy. But you have to realize that Hollywood and the film industry is VERY p.c. and very touchy about such things as race. As I mentioned before, if a Mexican or Hispanic director or producer would have read this, he or she would have been turned off by this transition.

So again, get off your high horse and stop acting like the forum police. I never onced called him a racist. You're getting all worked up and pissed off for nothing. If I said anything that the writer of the script took issue with or felt offended by, he can write back to me and tell me so. You're not his dad. He doesn't need you to fight his fights for him ESPECIALLY if he didn't misinterpret what I said as you clearly have.

Don't think for a minute that just because you have been here longer and have more posts than I do that you have the right to take my words out of contex and make personal attacks. I can take criticism but once you make it personal, in a discussion that doesn't involve you, and you take it out of context to twist the meaning, I WILL defend myself.

And for what it's worth, even the quote you took from me is out of context and twisted to fit whatever weak argument you are trying to make here.
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Ledbetter
Posted: May 19th, 2012, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mehdoh
Ummm....you get a tad racist on the moving scene.




Quoted from Mehdoh
A little more racist and sterotypical with Dom's dialogue too.




Quoted from Mehdoh
I never once called him a racist.



That depends on what the definition of IS, IS...
Bill Clinton

You should run for office.

Or better yet, take all of this energy you're using in self defence...

AND GO WRITE A SCRIPT!

Shawn.....><











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