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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Frustrations with Exes and Whys Moderators: bert
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  Author    Frustrations with Exes and Whys  (currently 4830 views)
Don
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Frustrations with exes and whys by Daneil Botha  - Short, Comedy - A teenage boy struggles through an algebra exam. 4 pages - pdf, format


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Mehdoh
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it was written fairly well but there were a few typos that need to be fixed. I found the story itself to be lacking and pretty boring though. It just wasn't very engaging to me and I found no point to the story. The kid just hates algebra. I get it. I think it needs some sort of conflict and resolution instead of just whining about how much he hates math. That's my take on it anyway.
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Seven
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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This is something that may be better to read than to watch. At four pages, it would be difficult to sit through. Perhaps it would work if it was more visual?
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Alex_212
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Daniel,

I assume this story was something you may have lived through and can relate to.

There are many of us who probably have encountered the same through school and were totally confused with Algebra and can relate to your story.

For some reason this reminds me of the boy from the series "Wonder Years" as he seems to have a similar personality.

Apart from a few typo's I feel you should give the girl (15) a name to give the character a personality.

Where is the teacher ?? I think during a test the teacher should at least give some reaction to any students that dissrupt the test.

I also feel that this could be part of a bigger picture, like a series about this boy's life and school, similar to "Wonder Years" though you would need dozens of similar scripts combined.

I enjoyed reading it though it would also be nice if something exciting happened at the end to bring the scene to life ??

Regards Alex


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danbotha
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys.

This one was written as a personal joke between me and some friends.

No doubt there's a number of problems with this one, including my name being spelled wrong... my mistake.

This isn't anything too serious. Just something written to pass the time.

Thanks for the feedback, though.

Daniel


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danbotha
Posted: May 23rd, 2012, 12:39am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Alex_212

Where is the teacher ?? I think during a test the teacher should at least give some reaction to any students that dissrupt the test.


Excellent point, Alex!

Never noticed that before!

I admit I got a bit lazy with this one... I just wanted to write SOMETHING at the time, so I just started writing.

It's not meant to be anything special...


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alffy
Posted: May 23rd, 2012, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with Alex here and say this feels like part of something bigger. I can almost see the title card after the bell rings.  You seem to have a decent character in Devin but the story doesn't back it up.

His dialogue/V.O. is pretty funny and it reminded me of the stupid questions from exams...even back in my day we had questions that seem to make no sense at all and certainly had no place in Maths exams.

I see you say you just wanted to write something and I can agree with you that sometimes you get the urge to be creative and that's good.  Maybe this is something you can come back to when you get that urge again?


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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Gage
Posted: May 23rd, 2012, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Agreed with Alffy.  You can do a lot with this: the character is already well established and engaging.  Maybe you could expand on this...?


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nastynate
Posted: May 24th, 2012, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Daniel,
This was well done. It brought back a few bad memories of high school math class. Devin's V.O. of question #2 and his last V.O. had me laughing.
Good choice in having every single student other than Devin seem to be having an easy time with the test.
Nate


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danbotha
Posted: May 24th, 2012, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks everyone!

Alffy and AsteriodJuice - Glad you liked the main character. I was thinking of making this into a series of shorts based around Devin. It wouldn't be anything too grand, but I'm interested to see how far I could take this...

Nate - Great to hear that you were able to relate to this one. I thought of the idea when I was supposed to be writing an algebra exam. Yeah, I'm not the greatest with maths...

Cheers everyone.

Daniel


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albinopenguin
Posted: May 25th, 2012, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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let's have a look see. read your comment about this being a "personal joke" so i'm a little weary off the bat. inside jokes are funny to everyone!

p1

alright first few lines of descriptors could be scaled back a bit. you have some extra words/phrases that really don't matter to the script. just say Devin glances at a clock. really doesnt matter that it's on the far away wall.

name the girl

not a huge fan of VO's but sometimes they work. i'll know by the end if it was an effective method of telling the story.

p2

Devin circles the algebraic symbol that stands for ’equal or
bigger than.’ He puts a line through the question, moving
on.
^apparently Devin's pretty stupid. i mean REALLY stupid. phrases like "moving on" doesnt isn't a visual phrase and should therefore be avoided. show, dont tell.

Is
D.I.Y. honestly that hard these
days?
^does he say "DIY" in his head or does he say "do it yourself?" if it's the latter, then write it out.

hate to say this, but i'm growing weary of this script. it's not very clever or entertaining. it's a bit laboring to get through.

p3

beats don't mean pause. not sure if you meant it that way, but figured you should know. they're often employed incorrectly.

where is the teacher in all of this?

where does this friend come from? what does he look like and what's his name?

p4

He smiles as he writes ’1 Devin + 1 Algebra test = One
confused teenage kid.’
^really?

finished. alright, so you're new so i'm not going to tear you a new one. this story really doesnt have a point. and it certainly doesnt have a punchline. its just some frustrated kid having a cliched tirade against algebra. there's no conflict, no arc, no story.

either add some substance or scrap it. i like writing sketches too but they have to be humorous. for being a newbie, your writing isnt bad. it's not great and it definitely needs work. but you're not too far from the mark.



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Forgive
Posted: May 26th, 2012, 5:58am Report to Moderator
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Hi Dan - third and last ... there's obviously some creative talent going on here - I just think your subject matter needs to be more worthy - as part of a wider story this could have happily sat on one page ... but it needs to be part of a bigger story. You don't like algebra - that's the story - so why put us through so much of it?

Keep writing - I know there's more to come from you & this is all part of the learning process.

Simon
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danbotha
Posted: May 26th, 2012, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys for the feedback!

albinopenguin - I'm a bit confused with your comments with Devin being stupid. I was wondering how you came to that conclusion? The reason I ask, is because Devin is supposed to be a smart kid who just can't do algebra. I didn't want that idea of him being stupid to come across.

As Devin's friend is a minor character, I didn't see it necessary to add unnecessary description to a script that's meant to be short and sweet. I thought at the time of writing it, that it would be a waste of space.

The ending is a bit off, I know. Sorry about that.

As to scrapping the script... not going to happen. I don't see the point on spending time on a script only to give up on it. That leaves me with the option of making it better, then.

SImon - "There's obviously some creative talent going on here..." - Thank You! I'm in full agreement with the story of this one.

And there is more to come from me, soon. At the moment I'm brainstorming a bunch of ideas. I should have a re-write on 'Culture Shock' up really soon, provided I've gone through the re-sub process correctly.

Daniel


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CoopBazinga
Posted: May 28th, 2012, 7:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey Daniel,

What can I say, it wasn’t a great start when I saw you had miss-spelt your name in the logline and things didn’t get better once I opened the script sorry to say.

Writing was okay but there was no premise, story here…it was pretty boring to be honest. So a kid doesn’t like algebra, join the club.

Look I had to look back through the feedback to make sure I hadn’t missed something and see you wrote this a personal joke, maybe you would like to share the joke?

Not much more to say on this one.

I would like to see a story with more meat on the bone from you, if you know what I mean.

Take it easy.

Steve
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danbotha
Posted: May 29th, 2012, 12:31am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Steve

It seems with my writing I either have the story that isn't executed well in the writing, or no story with well-executed writing. I think it's about time I had a script that delivered on both sides.

Thanks for getting back to me on this one

Daniel


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