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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Devil's Peak Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 23rd, 2012, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Devil's Peak by Stewart Wadwell (macduff) - Horror - A community of werewolves fight over the capture of a teenaged girl needed to open the gates of hell. 111 pages - pdf, format


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MacDuff
Posted: May 24th, 2012, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi all,

After being in and out of production for what seemed an eternity, I've decided post the very first script I wrote. This is the last version (of many) that was completed in late 2008. The financier of the project asked us to write in a small scene for his granddaughter. See if you can spot what scene that is.

As the budget shrunk, I had to rewrite the script to remove expensive sequences and effects. The opening sequences were changed to a more Jaws-like setup to save costs on creature effects and CGI.

The option has run out and I've decided to post the script - warts and all - to see if any other producers out there would be interested

You'll notice some passive tenses, the dreaded "ing" and "ly" words and lots of orphans. It just so happened the director/producer did not care as he was on on board at an early stage.

Enjoy,
Stew


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 24th, 2012, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Stew,

Any script that has received attention deserves a read but I can't promise anything. Off on holiday in a few days time- whoopee.

I just wondered if you have anymore experience to share in terms of how it all came about, what happened and things to look out for? Could be useful for newbies like myself.

Cheers

Bill


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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MacDuff
Posted: May 24th, 2012, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Hey Stew,

Any script that has received attention deserves a read but I can't promise anything. Off on holiday in a few days time- whoopee.

I just wondered if you have anymore experience to share in terms of how it all came about, what happened and things to look out for? Could be useful for newbies like myself.

Cheers

Bill


Hey Bill,

Once I had finished the script, I had it critiqued to address any flaws and issues. I then sent it via Scriptblaster and the producer contacted me a few days later. We quickly signed an option and he sent me producer/director notes. Most of the notes were for budget constraints (the many budgets drawn up ranged from 2M - 200K). We had location, casting and crew all set. The script had been sent out and had talent interested. As we approached shooting, the financial crisis hit the states and the money men pulled the rug from beneath our feet.

Over the next couple of years we had various differernt backers onboard, but we could not lock down the capital to shoot. Each time, I had to rewrite to satisfy the money men. Eventually, the producer/director moved on to non-filming projects so he could make some money to live!

Lessons learned?

1. Do not send out good scripts, send out great ones.
2. Be prepared to rewrite multiple times.
3. Be prepared to have other creative forces take your project and put their spin on it.
4. It takes time and a lot of effort to see a movie get made.
5. Until the movie is in the can and a distributer is onboard, the odds are against you.
6. Make sure the option/purchase agreement is airtight and protects your work.
7. Be open to ideas, suggestions and concerns. Hold your ground if you do not want to change something, but be prepared to explain why it's important.

Hope this helps. I was convinced this was a go, but it shows that projects can fall apart at a moment's notice. Just keep working hard, learn the trade and keep writing!!

Stew


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Doms
Posted: June 15th, 2012, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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I have to admit, I approached this script with a negative bias. I generally can’t stand werewolf and vampire movies. Most of what I’ve seen, especially lately, is horrible and they’re played out. The only vampire movie I want to see it the one where Edward runs into Blade.

That aside...

Your spelling and grammar is mostly good. An example of a miss is the use of “lose” where there should be a “loose.”

Most of the characters are okay. Though they could stand to be fleshed out a little more. I think you err on the side of mystery too much and too late into the story. However, several of the characters are unneeded or too undeveloped.

The Joe character is kind of thin and feels like a throwaway character.

Dexter doesn’t add much. I suppose he puts a little pressure on Adrian and fleshes out Adrian’s world, but he doesn’t feel integrated into the story. You should probably drop him.

The shopkeeper plays a good part - I really liked his surprise shooting - but he needs to be fleshed out earlier in the script so that the audience cares at least a little bit about him, rather than have him work like a deus ex machina.

There’s far too much movie logic in your script. That’s where a character does what the writer needs instead of doing what a real person would logically do.

Why would Katie go out for a jog the day after she was chased by a creature? She didn’t know it was a werewolf, but she was told it was a mountain lion. She even doubted it was something so mundane.

Why would Eric side with a girl he’d just met a few weeks earlier over his father? You were probably going for a love-at-first-sight thing. If so, it’s woefully underdeveloped.

Why did the followers in the barn do nothing as a human, aka food, was fighting their leader on the stage? If they did help, the movie wouldn’t have the happy ending you were looking for, right?

Speaking of the barn... Were the people in the barn human or werewolf? You said they have “red eyes,” so I’m guessing they’re werewolves, but you need to make it clear.

The dialogue of the bad guys largely comes across as Bela Lugosi’s Dracula, but it’s inconsistent. An example:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
RIDLOW
In a few moments, things are gonna get a little hairy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also, Katie calls Adrian, “father.” It’s more in character to have her call him, “dad.”

One piece of the Mayor’s dialogue, while consistent with the way he talks, is...well, not so good.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
MAYOR VENGLOS
You could say we have been cursed with an alternate life. Something that is uncontrollable when the moon is full. We get a thirst that is unspeakable. A pain that is unbearable. There is a reason that we live in this small town.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is bad. First off, the mayor is trying to bring Adrian up-to-speed, but is dragging it out. Second, “You could say we have been cursed with an alternate life.” My first thought was, “gay werewolves.” Now that would be a plot twist. Lastly, it reads like something an angsty goth teenager would write.

There are several plot holes in the story. Granted, some of it may be that I missed something or it may be that a plot point wasn’t made clear enough.

Why did the black werewolf fight the gray one in the gym?

Why didn’t the people in the barn hear the two shotgun blasts outside?

What happened to Louise? Did she change? Did the injection kill her? Why was she spitting up blood?

What was with the Ridlow’s purple haze? Was it related to the book? If so, it’s unclear. Overall, the purple haze added nothing to the story.

Who was Isabella? What happened to her? Should she even be in the story?

You never describe Katie’s mark.

Adrian’s dream sequence is unneeded. It adds nothing to the story.

The part with the police officer after the gym scene feels like filler. The protagonists get nothing from the scene and it barely advances the plot, with the exception of the death of Paul. This could be done some other time.

I did like that the church picked up Katie and Adrian at the end. However, why did they wait until then to show up?

You also don’t explain why the bad werewolves want to kill everyone. They’re going human, why start it out with the slaughter of everyone else? Especially since they're in werewolf form, which they seem to hate.

Katies explodes on her dad about not saving her mother and nothing comes of it. Telling your dad that he failed to save your mother - his wife - is steeped in a very hard and deep feelings. Adrian finds out later that the werewolves killed her, but Katie doesn’t and this plot point goes nowhere.

Why is the shopkeeper still alive in a store that has partially eaten bodies? He was barely hiding. Have him hide in the reach-in cooler. Then you could have the door slowly open behind Adrian after he walks past. A bit of a suspense without resorting to a jump scare. By the way, nice job on not having any jump scares.

Next is clichés. Bad Moon rising on the radio? I’m not 100% certain, but I think that song was in An American Werewolf in London, and possibly the 80s Werewolf TV series. The other is the young girl, Isabella, in the wolf mask. Why wasn’t she wearing a t-shirt that read, “I [heart] werewolves”?

The end felt a little rushed. It also feels a little bland. You need to punch it up.

Overall, it was an okay read. There is a lot that needs to be cleaned up. I did finish it, which is more than I can so for a lot of amateur screenplays that I’ve read. I think it’s workable, but it needs just that, work.

Good luck and good writing!

Revision History (1 edits)
Doms  -  June 16th, 2012, 1:08am
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Electric Dreamer
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Hey Stew!

I know I read that other thing for you last week.
But since you're into taking a stab at the second draft of that...
I thought I'd crack open this one for you.

I’ll take “fresh eyes” notes as I read.
Then sum up with a few thoughts and philosophies to enhance the script.

P. 1
LOL. Lea Thompson? Is that on purpose?

P. 3
Uncap DAUGHTER.

P. 3
Eh, lose the Bad Moon Rising. Landis kinda owns that mojo.

P. 3
Word change needed here...
The Jeep drives up a long gravel driveway and comes to a halt
in front of a grand old house. The sun is slowly settling in
behind the old house, casting long shadows over the huge
lawn.


P. 5
Dexter needs a CAPS INTRO.

P. 8
I dig the leaf in a paw print reveal. Very visual.

P. 9
This passage confuses me...
The hot rod circles the stranded Katie

Is there something wrong with the jeep?

P. 11
Seems to me the hot rod boys would try to scare Katie here..
Throw some scraps of local superstition into the mix she can confirm later.

P. 15
You have a straightforward cause-and-effect style of writing action.
It suits this genre well.
I’ve always thought that the C&E approach was best for animal horror.

P. 17
Eric and Old Joe...
Is it just me, or does this beat feel cribbed right out “The Lost Boys”?
When the leeches mess around in Max's video store?
Or is it just me?

Stopping on page 24 this morning.
Will continue during the work week.

Overall, it reads pretty well and hits the genre marks so far.
Feels a little too boilerplate at times.
Seems like the first act needs more of a nip/tuck than big structural changes.

Looking forward to continuing.
Have a great weekend.

Regards,
E.D.


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MacDuff
Posted: June 16th, 2012, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey all,

Thanks for the read - much appreciated. This script has sat in this condition for a while now, so I appreciate the feedback so I can work on updating the script and fleshing it out. I definitely feel that it can be tightened up and simplified. It's been a while since I worked on it and it wil be interesting to approach it with a new set of eyes.

Cheers,
Stew


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MacDuff
Posted: June 16th, 2012, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Just some additional comments that Doms brought up:

Isabella is not needed, correct. She was requested by the producer as he wanted a part for his granddaughter. Haha. She would be gone in any additional drafts.

Also - for this draft - the producers requested an action sequence or "killing scene" every 10-15 pages, especially in the first half of the script. That's why some scenes feel like filler.

And the barn sequence used to take place in a cave system at the base of the mountain, but we could only get a big red barn....

Hope that sheds some light into the whys.

Cheers,
Stew



Revision History (1 edits)
MacDuff  -  June 16th, 2012, 12:04pm
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Doms
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Quoted from MacDuff
Just some additional comments that Doms brought up:

Isabella is not needed, correct. She was requested by the producer as he wanted a part for his granddaughter. Haha. She would be gone in any additional drafts.

Also - for this draft - the producers requested an action sequence or "killing scene" every 10-15 pages, especially in the first half of the script. That's why some scenes feel like filler.

And the barn sequence used to take place in a cave system at the base of the mountain, but we could only get a big red barn....

Hope that sheds some light into the whys.

Cheers,
Stew


Since you're not constrained by producers, would you like an idea for a different ending?
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MacDuff
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Quoted from Doms


Since you're not constrained by producers, would you like an idea for a different ending?


Ofcourse!

I'm definitely interested in hearing all comments and suggestions!

Thanks,
Stew


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Doms
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Instead of having the werewolves kill Katie to get rid of the curse, have the ceremony transfer the curse to her.

Then she attacks, and kills, Ridlow. The other people, now normal, run away during this attack.

She then turns to her father, who doesn't move a muscle as his werewolf daughter approaches and inspects him. Instead of attacking him, she runs away. This sets the precedent that she has some level of control while she's transformed.

Thinking about it, you could also toss in that this "cure" has resulted in her being able to transform even when it's not a full moon. This would allow her to transform more often (see my idea for a sequel below).

You'd need to specify that the "cure" only worked for the werewolves present and that there are more out there.

The next day she returns to the house wearing crappy clothes she stole, or maybe a sheet, and dirty. The point is that it shows that she's not okay.

She and her dad vow to find a cure.

You could also setup that The Church, which was supposed to protect her while human, now hunts her because she's a monster. If you do take this route, you'll need to setup the Church a bit more in the script.

I think this would be a nice dark twist on the standard tale. This also sets up for a sequel, which studios like.

If you did want to write a sequel, you could include wolfweres: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfwere

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wolfwere is the opposite of a werewolf: as a werewolf is a man that transforms into a wolf or a hybrid man-wolf form, a wolfwere is a wolf that transforms into a man or a hybrid form. The term "wolfwere" originates in the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game, but the general concept is not unique to that game.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

These could be the bad guys. Or maybe you don't make it that simple. Maybe they went bad because of what humans did to their habitat and they're only fighting back. Granted, their goal is to still kill humans, so they have to die. A nice, complicated, villain. One more thing: wolfweres aren't tied to the lunar cycle.

Oh, and you'd need to change the name of the script so that it's not tied to a single place. Besides, having "devil" in the title of a werewolf movie just doesn't sit right.

Anyway, there are my thoughts on it.
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Electric Dreamer
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Hey Stew,

Gonna pick this up from page 24 this morning.
Let's see how many producer kills we got coming today!

P. 25
Katie's dialogue...
Well. I’ve been here a few days and
already I’ve been circled by a hot rod
full of drunks, I go to school full of
EMO clones and now I’ve got freaks
obsessed over my hair.


Sounds very UN-TEEN to me here.

P. 28
I like the flavor of Michael's scene...
But it comes in way too long at two pages.
These "producer kills" need to be quick.

P. 33
The party plan...
Feels like it's adult plotting a soiree.
Not teens getting their drink and freak on.
Dial in the appropriate age for the dialogue here.

P. 36
Family melodrama here came off too on the nose for me.
People tend to deal with grief in more indirect ways with others IMO.

P. 40
The purple haze is unexpected.
Dunno how I feel about magic casting werewolves though.
Hmmm, have to see how that plays out.

P. 41
The back and froth over the book feels padded to me.
Why not just have Ridlow say... The book found me.
Something simple and ominous seems the course of action here.

Stopping on page 45 this morning...
Big things this round was adult sounding dialogue from kids.
I think they need to sound and behave like small town teens more.
Little more hormones and less level headedness.

Will pick this up tomorrow.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 19th, 2012, 10:03am Report to Moderator
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Hey Stew,

Starting up from page 45 this morning.
Let's see how you tackle those second act blahs.

P. 46
The keep a lid on it scene with Christian clunked for me.
Now seeing that pep talk go wrong and incite conflict, that's interesting.

P. 47
This scene compounds my misgivings about the previous.
No conflict here, the reader knows she's going on that date.
So why not have Katie be surprisingly turned on by his aggressive behavior?
That even surprises her, the allure of animal attraction creeping into her psyche.
That's stuff I can sink my teeth into.

P. 53
The alcohol drama here feels all wrong to me.
Katie just had a sweet date with a stud.
She goes from those vibes to playing wicked stepdaughter with dad?
Katie's a total bitch. She got to hang out/vent about her life.
So she sees a bottle and jumps all over dad?
If anything, she'd care less... as Devil's Peak works its magic on her.
Lots of chances for SEDUCTION to play into your script.

P. 54
Rolling over on the mystery of Paul's identity feels wrongs here.
I wish there was more sexual rivalry between Paul and Eric actually.
That's your inner Romeo & Juliet trying to get out, listen to it!

P. 60
You go out of your way to keep Eric and Christian apart here. Why?
Let those jealousies and attractions simmer and start to boil over.
Feels like you're delaying instead of smashing conflicts into each other.

P. 63
Christian's dialogue here...
Well, I’m treating myself to a cold one.

Does not sound like a teen at a party to me.

Stopping on page 67 this morning.
The theme du jour is seduction for the mid section.
Boys wants girls but there's little to no sexual interplay here.
It's all after school special when it should be hormonally supercharged.
Eric = The Stud. Christian = The good guy. Paul = The mysterious stranger.

You've got these three archetypes in your script...
But they're not very contentious with each other.
Everyone calms down real quick and listens to reason in scenes.
Where's the fun in that for a the reader?

You've got the ingredients to really ramp up the conflict here.
Go for it!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Stewart,

Picking up from page 67 this morning.
Excited to see how the second act resolves.

P. 68
I just don't see Adrian sitting still for all that data.
He's just been told his daughter's life is in danger.
Not father would sit through all that before losing his cool.

I recommend refining the Mayor's talk. And...
Redirect it in a way that relates all the data back to Katie somehow.
Keep it relevant to keep Adrian listening and the reader reading.
And perhaps reveal whom amongst Katie's new friends is going to do her in!
Or at least set that mystery into motion here.

P. 71
The Satan worshiping data is one thing...
But the Mayor's dead wife exposition to Adrian is too much IMO.
Was there any foreshadowing of his wife's work?
If so, I forgot. Maybe Adrian keeps her favorite religious item around?
The reveal about Katie takes too long here for me.

P. 74
Ridlow killing Adrian's wife means little to nothing coming from the Mayor.
But if that declaration comes directly from Ridlow to Adrian...
Well, now you've got a big time CONFLICT on your hands.

Same reason why Obi-Wan doesn't tell Luke exactly who his father is.

P. 76
Word repetition in dialogue...
You use "must" three lines in a row.
Reads awkward to me.

P. 81
Eric's dictates to Katie too much for my liking here.
I'd appreciate it The Marked One wasn't less clueless about self preservation.

P. 86
Hope Falls? Really? You, wise-ass.
But then again...
I put a Zombie Playground reference in Flight Distance. LOL.

P. 88
Too much "catch up" with the soon to be dead cop for my taste.
Keep it visceral. Survivalist dialogue.

Stopping on page 88 today.
You open the flood gates for the end of the second act. Which is good.
I'm a little reticent about all the magic business to come.
But we'll see how the third act plays out!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 21st, 2012, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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Hey Stewart,

Gonna sprint to the finish this morning.
Let's see how your werewolf buffet plays out!

P. 90
You've got a lot of action dialogue here...
Katie! Paul? Get the gun! Where's the bullets?

I tend to tune out on this stuff.
And producers I've worked with aren't too fond of it either.
So, I look at a lot of that stuff as something an actor can do on the day.

For instance, there's not a lot of that kind of dialogue in Flight Distance.
Because I know my producers rail against it, look at it as filler.

So, food for thought there.

P. 95
The convenience store sequence didn't grab me.
After spending 90+ pages with a bunch of characters...
We get the delirious shop owner.
I don't want to spend pages and pages with new superfluous people this late.
Doesn't keep me invested in the pages.
And then only to go right back to the Ridlow/Adrian dynamic.
That further hamstrings any positive vibe I get from the store business.

P. 97
Why wouldn't Ridlow keep Adrian alive as leverage against Katie?
That would be the sensible villainy thing to do, IMO.
And I'm not buying those off-screen shots.

P. 99
Word change needed here...
Adrian walks out of the store and over to an overturned bin
outside of “Mac’s” and grabs a shovel.

He walks over and stands over the body of the guard.


P. 105
Nice reveal with Christian.

Finished.
Lots of action in the third act, but not much character progression.
I'm sure that's likely a stipulation from the past producers.
Way too much "directional dialogue" during that stretch too, IMO.

I feel like the script is a gender bent Lost Boys with werewolves.
One of the things that made that story fun was SEDUCTION and HORMONES.
Sexual awakening was played out with the older sibling, etc.

Here, unlike the Lost Boys, you don't have a younger sibling foil for Katie.
Hence, a lack of conflict for our teen protag. And also adds a comic foil.

I liked the promise of those hormones early on in the script.
And I believe that's where the future of this script lies.

Steal the blueprint of Lost Boys and make it your own with active characters.
A lot of the dynamic is already there, but it gets thrown under the bus for action.
I'd seriously consider revisiting that film and see what strikes you about it.

Hope these notes help.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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