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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Nothing Exists Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nothing Exists by Steve Fauquier - Drama - The search for a missing boy leads investigators into an abandoned ghost town where they discover that nothing, does in fact, exist. 156 pages - pdf, format


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M.Alexander
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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I read the first twelve pages.   Very well put together, IMO.  Seems like you have an intriguing idea here.   I'm sure you're aware of the fact that a 156 pages is very long in the tooth for a script.   Sorry I can't be more help right now, but all the best with this.  Hopefully I can finish reading it at some point.   I'd like to see where you're going with this story.
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killacozzy
Posted: May 31st, 2012, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Read the script this afternoon cover to cover, and I have feedback....

Strengths:
This concept is amazing. Your characters are interesting. And, for the most part, the flow of the story works out pretty well.

Pages 82-124 contain the most suspenseful and exciting scenes, especially leading up to the big reveal of the climax.


Opportunities for Improvement:
Too much!  Too much non-essential dialogue.... too many long-winded monologues.... You're spoon-feeding the theme to your reader. Instead of telling us about voyeurism, just show us somebody acting it out. Instead of telling us about your ending (via Warren) just alude to it, and then show us your ending.

Too many characters.... too many non-essential scenes.... too many plot devices.... We're searching for Jacob, following Warren for a bit, following Nora and Lionel for a bit, following the priest for a bit, following Ray and Marla, meeting Sam, going to the diner to meet the Cowboy, following McCaffery, following Simon and Kinsey.... All in all, there's too much going on to be cohesive.

Also, while the general flow of the story works well, it's also very imbalanced. As a reader, I never get a feel for a beginning/middle/end. I couldn't really identify a clear inciting action—one that shakes up the "normal world" for our characters. And then, the story resolves at page 125.... only to continue on for 30 more pages (that's too long for a dénouement)!

Additionally, as a reader, I can't clearly identify who the protagonist is. I mean, I know that Warren, Ray, and Marla are all in the running, but there are no internal flaws for any of these characters. There may be a surface story (finding the boy), but what about a cathartic heroic flaw? First, pick a hero. Then, give him/her an internal conflict, even if it's just a romantic storyline between Ray and Marla.

Overall:
There's a story in there. But you'll need to trim, trim, trim. This should be contained to about 100 pages tops, in my opinion. But you can get this down to 90, I think.


Anthony Kilburn
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3151866

Features:
This Film Hates You, Avant-Garde (pre-production)
Chiaroscuro, Baby, Drama (self-produced)

Shorts:
Disposable, Drama (self-produced)
Present, Drama [color=orange](

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
killacozzy  -  June 1st, 2012, 11:32am
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Forgive
Posted: May 31st, 2012, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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Well, if anyone calls a concept 'amazing' then I'm in for a look - not too sure if you're around, but I got through 20-odd pages pretty easily, and I do have to say that this is pretty stand out good - I'm not 100% sure Im totally engaging with Ray and Marla, but from the outset, I'm not sure that you intend me too.

I like the feel that you have created here, and I felt that the quality of the writing was strong - in particular I liked the introduction.

I didn't like the Sixth Sense reference being pointed out - I'm not sure who wouldn't get that.

## Lionel watches everyone return to their chores and disappear inside of various buildings.
-- 'of' can be dropped.

     SAM
Caffeine is like a religion, except
it keeps you awake on Sundays.

-- I probably shouldn't, but I did like this line.

The inciting incident(s) were there - just not lit up like a Christmas tree - you've gone for a little non-linear narrative, which was nice - good that not everything feels it has to be dictated to by STC cronies.

Not sure if you're around, but it'd be good to see if you are.
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SteveFauquier
Posted: June 28th, 2012, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback guys.

I knew it was a little long when I submitted it, but every time I tried to cut it down a bit (my goal was 130-145 pgs) it kept unraveling. It's actually pretty difficult to remove/shorten scenes from your finished script. They have been built up from the ground and it's like removing a jenga block... you just hope everything doesn't crumble... But I suppose it's a necessary evil.

Thanks again for taking the time to check this out and comment on it.

Steve
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killacozzy
Posted: June 29th, 2012, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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If you want some help trimming, start hacking away almost everything that happens after they get Jacob. Just keep a scene or two to explain everything, then you're done.

You can also cut a lot of the dialogue between Ray and Marla.

Also, I'd be curious to see what would happen if you cut the Warren character altogether....


Anthony Kilburn
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3151866

Features:
This Film Hates You, Avant-Garde (pre-production)
Chiaroscuro, Baby, Drama (self-produced)

Shorts:
Disposable, Drama (self-produced)
Present, Drama [color=orange](
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