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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Surreal Serial Moderators: bert
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  Author    Surreal Serial  (currently 2661 views)
Don
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Surreal Serial by Brett Bentman - Thriller - An Alaskan detective must track down a tattooed, female murderer as she targets the men of a small fishing village. 117 pages - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Brett, I was intrigued by your log, as I like scripts and movies set in Alaska.  Great visuals possible and a very harsh, foreign landscape that serves as a character in itself.

But, when I opened this up, I quickly stopped, prior to page 3.  Sorry, but the writing style on display here does not and will not work for me.  Many, many mistakes on display - the length of your passages - way too long and containing multiple ideas/shots that are not all connected, the voice you're writing in - wastes so much space and filled with so many unfilmables, we see, we hear, etc, even the formatting and text size is off.

But, it seems like you've got something here that may actually be good and have some legs/ I don't know your background or experience, but IMO, this is not the way to present a script.  With some work, this may be great, but you're going to find the going tough to get reads, based on the presentation.

If you're around, I highly recommend reading other scripts and leaving detailed feedback.  It's always a Quid Pro Quo world here at SS - the more you give, the more you get back.

Take care.
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babentman
Posted: July 3rd, 2012, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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Writing my story...

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I'm sorry it doesn't work well for you. Because God knows I was writing this script JUST FOR YOU. How many scripts have you optioned? I have 3. I think I'll take this will a huge chunk, no grain, of salt...


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Ledbetter
Posted: July 3rd, 2012, 9:19am Report to Moderator
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You know babentman,

Jeff did you a favor by reviewing your script.

I mean seriously, you have been on this site sense 2008 and the only post you have contributed to, a whopping 30 post in all have been your own scripts.

I'm surprised you get any reads!

Shawn.....><
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 3rd, 2012, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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There's the attitude I love to see.  Nice going Brett.

Sounds like you don't need any feedback at all, because your work is just downright impeccable...flawless, isn't it?

Why even post your script here, bro?  I see you've got a whopping 30 or so posts and they all look like responses to feedback you've received on other optioned scripts you've jotted down over the years.  Being such a talented writer with all this experience, you'd think, or at least hope, that you'd share the wealth a little and provide feedback to struggling writers here at SS.  You know the ones who aren't as "blessed" as you are.

Have I ever optioned or sold a script?  Hell no...never even written one.  I'm a candle maker by trade, and for fun I enjoy putting on either all black or all white heavy makeup and trying my luck as a mime at the local park, where the other more talented mimes hang out.  It's really fun and something I want to recommend to everyone.

So Brett, where can I see some of these movies your masterful scripts were turned into?

Hope your luck continues, dude.  But I guess when you have the kind of raw talent you possess, there's no luck involved, is there?

PS - HaHa...damn, that's funny.  I love your last 4 pages here, bro.  All blank except for your nice little CONTINUED's you have on every page.  That just reeks of a Pro writer all the way.

Nope, you''re right.  You don't need any advice or feedback from a mime like me.

Good luck...you will most likely need it.
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Gage
Posted: July 3rd, 2012, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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On another thread for "Run" that I posted on, you said you have seven scripts optioned.

Are you so good you just lost count?  Sorry to question your omnipotence, but are you just a troll?

Let's just tell Mr. Brett exactly what he wants to hear: there's absolutely nothing wrong with this script, it's perfect.  Good job submitting it to a script review forum.


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ChazzChristopher
Posted: July 14th, 2012, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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Wait...you've had 3 scripts optioned and you are still writing in Word?

You've had 3 scripts optioned and you can't afford to spend less than $200 on a writing program that makes your "job" as a writer easier?

I don't agree with Dreamscale's techniques many a time, but I can tell by taking a 30 -second look at your script that it will most likely be horrible.

I optioned 27 scripts.  Total, I made $49.  U.S. Currency.  I then sold a guitar and used the money PLUS the $49 I made from options and bought Final Draft.

Chazz
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RichardD
Posted: March 24th, 2015, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, here's my review of this.... script.

PAGE 2:

"What lay before her "was" nothing more than a headless, hairless, and most of all a nameless body"   First off, it's not "was" it's "is", present tense. Secondly, You named the MONTAGE - MARY DISPOSES OF JOSEPH.  You already told us his name.

PAGE 3:

Why would Capt. Rodgers ask the detective where he drove from if Municipality is the town he requested the detective from?


PAGE 4:

"Rodriquez nods -- no." Nods = yes and Shakes his head = no

PAGE 9:

"Mary fixes her hair in the mirror as the curtain comes down over her face" What??  

"She takes a man sized sip" A sip is a sip. Men don't do it any different than women.

PAGE 15:

"It's late and everyone else has left" Who's everyone? It's Rodriguez's personal office apparently.

He's too smart for his own good. Yeah, dialogue tells the reader that, you don't need add that line.

PAGE 16:

"A cloud passes over his face" Nix that line.

PAGE 19:
RODRIGUEZ
(to himself)

He's in the room alone, of course it's to himself. and it should say (referring to the picture) he's looking at, or (under his breath).

"Mary yanks her favorite dress off a hanger. She rips the tag off of it" Her favorite dress still has the price tags attached to it?

PAGE 20:
So this little girl runs out her house and then she drops down into an underground tunnel at the end of the driveway. Kinda strange, but then you write "left or right?". Nix that last line because you then say "she runs to the lighted end of the tunnel". If she knew about this secret tunnel I'm thinking she'd been there before and would know where it leads.

Also here, the end of the tunnel is apparently not too far to run to, but when she gets there she finds a forest and  it's so foggy she can't see her hand in front of her face. So it wasn't foggy a block away at her house but it is now?  

PAGE 21:
"The man closes the door behind him." He closed it behind her, he was already inside.

"Fair enough." Nix that. It doesn't need to be there unless the guy is saying it.

PAGE 22:

Only Mary would notice something like that. Again, nix that line.

And your whole seduction between the subway girl and Mary is not very well written. Plus this whole MONTAGE is confusing with all the jumping around of her different ages. Is she still in the mid-west? Is she making her way to Alaska? Who knows. I live in the Mid-west and there are no cities around here with subways.

PAGE 24:

You never END THE MONTAGE

PAGE 27:
"The strange man "was" older." Why do you always refer to people in the current scene in the past tense?

PAGE 29:
ARTHUR - "Your trust" not "you're trust"

PAGE 30:
I got to page 30 and the name of the Tattoo Parlor has finally gotten on my nerves because "Art's Body Shop" sounds like a car garage. not a tattoo parlor.

Is Arthur supposed to be of Asian decent? Eating noodles on the floor of the shop and teaching Mary of all this KENJI style of writing makes me think so.

sigh...

PAGE: 69
FLASHBACK TROY"S WEDDING
Is this a fictional dream or an actual flashback, because if the WEDDING PARTY and PRIEST are all completely naked and completely tatted up, then why would Troy be inquiring and hesitant to get a few small letters tatted on his upper arm?    

PAGE 74:

Kind of minor, but still hard for me to imagine. "her hair is freshly frosted and she's all dolled up from her head to feet" I'm just saying, there is no way a girl could dye her hair, get cleaned up, and dressed up in less than an hour. haha the dye job alone would take an hour. Minor I know, but hey, It's my review.

PAGE 80

She stabs Troy in his eyes with chopsticks and he's only "momentarily" blinded? What? And then he continues to tussle with her, gets the advantage, and pins her down. all without his eyes?? THEN...with her pinned down, Troy without any eyes, grabs a lemon and squirts lemon juice in her eyes?? WHAT?? Dude, I laughed my ass off at that part. I even laughed while I just typed it.

PAGE 106:
"she's a black window"??

She stabs the Detective in the neck with a large needle and yanks it out, but he still has the presence of mind to fight back, speak, fire his gun, and then live through all of it?

Being stabbed in the neck and having the object yanked out would render a man very helpless. To say he would continue to function, let alone survive is very unrealistic. EXAMPLE: Clarence Bodiker in the original ROBOCOP.

And what's with all these guys coming in to get tattoos of chick's names on their arms all being the same name? Two guys want "Mary" and another one wants "Martha"? I guess in on this small fisherman's island in Alaska there are a lot of women named Mary.


Sooo, with all that said... I liked the idea of the concept for this story, but your poor script writing process and all the incorrect uses of the parentheses made it difficult to read. Also you have a lot of misspellings to fix.


I hope this isn't your final draft.  









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RichardD  -  March 24th, 2015, 4:25pm
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TonyDionisio
Posted: March 24th, 2015, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Quoted from babentman
I'm sorry it doesn't work well for you. Because God knows I was writing this script JUST FOR YOU. How many scripts have you optioned? I have 3. I think I'll take this will a huge chunk, no grain, of salt...


Wow, somebody got butt hurt almost 3 yrs ago.

I'm surprised you dug this up, Richard.

Tony
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