Decisions by Simon K Parker - Short, Horror - Contains graphic scenes. 11 pages - pdf, format

First and foremost, "Contains graphic scenes" isn't a log line. This leads me to believe that you don't know the definition of a log line. Lucky for you, I'm a fan of graphic scenes. so let's take a peek.

"She's heavily pregnant, almost at the end."
^this one made me laugh. wrong choice of words IMO.

"There's then a sudden and very loud knock at the front door."
^self explanatory

you forgot to number your pages

dialogue is a bit on the nose. especially the whole "i'm so scared, i'm so alone" bit

"She doesn't understand" isn't a proper descriptor. show us, don't tell us.

JAMES
Where there's a will there's a
way.
^and it's called the abortion clinic

EXT, CLINIC - DAY
^missed period...just like Becky. HARDY HAR HAR

you're also missing some apostrophes throughout the script.

"But it more has the feel of a sexual health clinic."
^dafaq did i just read?

Lot's
^and now you have some unneeded apostrophes.

jesus, this is getting laughably bad. sorry but in addition to the plethora of spelling/grammar mistakes, none of this makes sense. there are so many plot holes. i'm honestly dumbfounded by the so called "twists."

and it just ends. so much for the "graphic scenes." Pretty sure only my mother would call this "graphic."

sorry but this one's a dud. there's a movie entitled SPOILERS dumplings that you should watch. it's amazing.

After reading Albino's review, I came into this with the understanding that the format would be wrong, so I just focused on the story.

It was a quick read.  I'll give you that.  However...

The story doesn't make sense.  SPOILER:  A girl moves in to a new place, goes to a clinic, sees some dead babies, gets thrown in the basement.

There's no story here.  There are pieces of a story, but it's not a complete story.

How did they find the answer to eternal life?  What are they doing with the babies?  What happens after she's thrown in the basement?  

This feels like an episode of "Lost".  I'm left with more questions than answers.  And that's not a compliment.

Jordan

Hey Simon

When I came into this, I wasn't really planning on reading a good script, based on your log line (if I can call it that). It seems I shouldn't have pre-conceived opinions about something as this isn't actually that bad. However, it does need a fair amount of work.

Page 1: "She's heavily pregnant, almost at the end." - This particular sentence has already been mentioned, but because I'm feeling a little generous, I'll make a suggestion...

Personally, I think the pregnancy thing should be mentioned in the first description of Becky as it is an important aspect of your story. This whole script is based on Becky's pregnancy, so why not mention it as soon as you can...?

"Becky moves into the empty and bare front room of her new apartment." - How do we know it's new? Maybe describe the odd moving box around? If not, just get rid of the word "new."

"There's then a sudden and very loud knock at the front door." - Too long and it doesn't make sense.

Try...

"A sudden knock on the front door."

I can't specify page numbers from now on, because you don't have any.

INT. CLINIC - WAITING ROOM - NEXT

I've never used "NEXT" used in a slug. Perhaps, "LATER" ? Also, I'm not so sure why Becky sits down...? Isn't it normal to go straight to the reception desk, rather than sitting and wasting your time?

"... it's more than a little weird that she's the only one here." - Explain this more. How is it weird? What makes it weird? How does Becky respond to the weirdness?

You include pointless descriptions like "overflowing with rubbish." - Just get to the point. Don't waste your time on describing things that people aren't going to notice.

Your "Log line" was a bit mis-leading. Nothing too graphic, here. Normally, I would provide a suggestion with a log line, but there really isn't much you can say can you...? The truth is, you haven't got much of a story going.

Sorry. I don't mean to be harsh, but this one didn't do much for me. I wish I could at least see where you were trying to go with this, but I can't.

If you're around, send in a PM if you want me to elaborate on anything.

Daniel

I agree with the above. I like Becky. It was almost like the cop was impersonating a cop by the way you introduced him.

Why is there a kitchen in an abortion clinic? Is cannibalism the way to live forever? Very confusing piece.

Hey, Simon


there's a lack of motive behind here, James claims an answer of cheating death, but clues or hints of such behavior would of proved valuable without it seems more unlikely a solution to cheating death and reason than the premise killing and eating babies already is.

Your hero has a moral problem she got pregnant at a young age, and doesn't want the baby and is considering harming it. Would she be more OK with the procedure had she not scene what she say if the chefs and assistants weren't so blatant in there desire.

Didn't care much for this story. Maybe next time

BLB