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Brothers by Kyle - Short, Drama - After the sudden death of their parents only one brother the youngest got to inherit their life savings. And with both brothers trapped in loveless relationships they now begin to focus on each other, one wanting to save with the other wanting to kill. 19 pages - pdf, format
I got to page 6 and had to leave so didnt get to finish the script though will try and get back to it later.
Where are the page numbers ? I had to keep going back to the begining to count them so i could see what page i was on.
Page 1. "They're both eating a bowl of cereal". Are they sharing one bowl as it is unclear. If not maybe this should read "They eat bowls of cereal"
Page 2. "What's that suppose to mean Gaby?" "What are you talking about Gaby?" Why keep adding Gaby at the end of the dialouge ? We know he is talking to Gaby so maybe shorten it.
Page 3. "She exits gently closing the kitchen door" She is pissed off though closes it gently ? maybe a better feel for the emotions would be to slam it.
EXT. CORNER SOP - DAY Typo should be SHOP
Page 4. "Thinks about hitting York" how can this work in an action line. What someone thinks is not filmable. Maybe he clenches his fists ?
"Oliver shakes his head, He's serious". Same again He's serious is not filmable.
Page 5. OLVIER - Typo
"She pick's the ones she likes" to much information we dont need to know she likes it, why would she pick it if she didn't. Maybe use "She pick's 2 t-shirts and holds them to her chest one by one.
Ran out of time but hopefully this gives you an idea where i am coming from.
In general the script is good though only use action lines that are filmable and readout your dialouge before hand to make it more realistic. I have made the same mistakes in the past and have learnt from it due to the comments from SS.
Use SS as a learning tool and you will quickly go forward.
Look forward to reading the rest though you may want to use what i have commented on throughout the script.
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Brothers
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