Phantom Knights by Michael Dennos - Action, Adventure, Fantasy - In 1895 London, a secret organization of wizards and witches helps the police combat a madman who plans to use magic to overthrow the monarchy. 111 pages - pdf, format

Well, sir!  It’s no secret that 9 out of 10 scripts on this site suck.  That makes Phantom Knights 1 in 10 (at least).  Michael, your script is really, really good.  You tell a story that’s exciting, and it’s very well-paced.  I’ve been a high school writing teacher for a few years, and a SS reader for a few more.  I’ve seen weak writing.  Most samples that I read on this forum are poorly structured and hastily written, with missing beats, underdeveloped characters, too much exposition, etc.  You have clearly spent some time on your work, and have solid instincts.  Thank you for respecting the craft.

I was first attracted by your logline – and the promise of all the yummy trappings that come with “1895, London.”  I’m a sucker for these things.  I’m sorry to slather on praise, but good writers deserve encouragement.  I hope more people read this and comment.  Now, a few notes that I made as I read your script:

Don’t capitalize things in description so much.  A handful of times, maybe, for effect.  However, every page is strewn with capitalized SOUNDS and ACTIONS and it’s just not necessary.

Small thing: When Daniel and Olivia step off the train, Daniel reveals in the dialogue that they’re Phantom Knights.  I think this is redundant, given that we’ve seen their lightning pins on their clothes.  I think it’s better if the first time we hear “Phantom Knights” is from Jackson on page 13.

P24: The way Daniel’s body is “identified” by Olivia (the skin reappearing on the burned body) is excellent.  In fact, all the use of magic in these early scenes is clever and fun, and purpose-driven.

I would make some sort of mention (if only in passing) of the Queen’s birthday earlier in the script, so that when Tony & Ethan discuss crashing the party, it doesn’t seem to come out of nowhere.  As it stands, it’s a little abrupt.

A few notes on dialogue:

P14: “Neither of us are fond of each other.” Should be “Neither of us is fond of the other.”

P21:
ETHAN
So what exactly happened?

TONY
Right now, I know as much as you.
Which is to say hardly anything.

These lines are unnecessary, as Ethan’s next line asks essentially the same question, and Tony’s next lines reveal how much he knows.

Also, since everybody calls Rebecca "Rebecca," I would make that her dialogue tag - not "Sharp."

And that's really the extent of my criticism!  I hope you have luck and success with this and all other writings.  I shall keep my eyes peeled for anything by you in the future (PK2, I presume!).  All the best!

EasyMac,

Firstly, thank you very much for reading and taking the time to review!  I'm very happy that you were able to enjoy the script so much.  I owe the credit for the fact that my script follows structure so well to the Screenwriting course I took while writing it.  But it's safe to say everything I learned in that class has rubbed off on me, as I'm remembering and applying those rules to my scripts from here on out.  But believe me, it relieves me to know that I'm indeed doing it right!

As to your comment on there being too many capitalized words, let me explain my reasoning there: the professor I had said that capitalized words like that in scripts can help, because it can give directors a good idea on what to emphasize through camera angles and such when they're going through the script and doing things like storyboarding scenes.  It can also give the lines in the script a bit more effect.  Just my two cents on that.

Thank you, also, for pointing out those things about the dialogue.  I, like every writer, am always looking for ways to better tweak my work, so I appreciate you bringing all that up.  I agree with you that I need to try and bring up the Queen's birthday celebration earlier, so that it doesn't seem so abrupt.  Perhaps during the first scene in Phantom Knights HQ, we'll see.

Again, I appreciate your feedback.  And to answer your question: yes, this is meant as the first in a trilogy, and I'm currently at work on the 2nd script.  I'm about halfway through it, as of now.