Strangers Come at Night by Daniel Botha - Short, Drama - A Ugandan man steps forward to reveal all about the fearsome Joseph Kony. 6 pages - pdf, format

Dan,

Thought this flowed well overall.

One thing about the opening line of action that caught my attention was mentioning the grass huts before the battle -- I get that you’re establishing the location and it may seem a small point but the ‘frenzy of chaos...’ is really what this image is about, drawing us to the grass huts first could detract from what’s taking place.  

p.2. think ‘contempt’ should be content.

p.4. creeps not ‘creaps.’ Again with ‘peaking’ -- peeking -- could use 'peeks' here instead?

Not sure what a ‘reasonably empty village’ might look like -- okay I can, but it reads kind of awkward.  You mention the village twice here, once in the POV slug then again in the action.  How about something like:

DUMO’S POV:

A row of huts -- a sentry stationed at either end.

Something like that might give us a clearer picture of what he sees.

Also it’s NIGHT in the slug, so it’s a given they’re night guards -- sorry if that sounds picky -- anything to cut down the word count.

An interesting subject for sure with some potentially arresting visuals.  I only have a basic knowledge of Joseph Kony and his child soldiers.  Though you get the point across, it’s presented in a pretty matter of fact way and as such I’m not sure what reaction you're hoping to elicit from the audience?

I did wonder how this would work if you omitted the flashback/forward and only cut to adult Dumo delivering his address at the very end?  Re-arrange his earlier dialogue in VO to illustrate Young Dumo’s actions?

Good luck with it.

Steve.

I'm in a bit of a hurry so this may not be as action packed with depth and insight as my usual responses (sarcasm) so here goes.

• I typically format flashbacks like EXT. AFRICAN VILLAGE - NIGHT - FLASHBACK but that's less an issue of rules more me trying to indoctrinate all screenwriters to my way of thinking.
  
• Why is the crowd so shocked at the mention of Kony's endeavors (page two). I assume the audience is there to hear about Dumo and his adventures in Uganda, so why is that the statement that warrants the big gasp.
  
• "a few metre away" should be "metres." (page two)
  
• "contempt with himself" should be "content" (page two) unless this is meant to point towards some untapped self loathing on Dumo's part.
  
• Seems strange that the audience would engage in "nods of agreement." The atmosphere seems more "sit there shut up and clap hands at the end and hug" than "show gesticulations of approval."
  
• Dumo's outburst, while logical in the context of his experiences, seemed to happen a little spontaneously. He's collected in his recollection then suddenly he starts shouting. I don't know, maybe it was just the exclamation marks.
  
• "walks bag" should be "walks back." (page four)
  

I liked the message. However I will say that it was a bit straightforward to the point of coming off like a polemic. That might have been the point though: illustrate the detriments of the recently popularized situation of child soldiers in Uganda under Kony.

Nice job.

Hey Daniel.

Enjoyed this one, overall.  It has a very current feel to it (as I've noticed with some of your other scripts) and is certainly relevant today.

You'll get no major complaints from me.  The only real problems I had were on page 2.  When Dumo mentions the sweet treats, it makes the flashback seem a bit redundant.  Maybe if he just said that they were rewarded, but didn't specify, it would give more impact to the chocolates being handed out.

Also on page 2, it says Dumo smiles, contempt with himself.  Do you mean content with himself?

Great job!
Gage

Hey everyone!

Thanks so much for all the feedback. Not going to lie, I didn't think this one would be well-received, but I haven't had any really negative comments yet, so thanks for that.

stevenmiles: Thanks for the feedback, you raised some pretty good points. The whole Kony Campaign really has interested me and I wanted to create something visual about it. I'm thinking of adding a particularly emotional scene where the kids are taken. Any thoughts on that, anyone?

tendai_moyo: Thanks for the feedback. I don't care if it's 3 words of feedback or 3000, at least it's something, right? Your assumption about the audience being at the speech is correct and I will find a way of re-wording that particular moment(s). I see what you're saying about Dumo's outburst. It wasn't necessarily supposed to be him shouting, more like emphasizing his point. Can't believe some of the mistakes I've made in this one. Thanks for pointing them out.

Gage: Glad you enjoyed this. I still think I need to add a lot more to it, but it's awesome to hear people are enjoying it as it is. See what you're saying about the sweet treats.

Thanks everyone. I've gotten some great feedback, so far.

Daniel

Daniel,

Good job on shedding light on such sensitive subject.  If more scripts were written and produced about the atrocities of this Kony character maybe they would've caught him by now.   As it stands right now, most turn a blind eye.  Machine Gun Preacher is the only other film that comes to mind that deals with this topic, although I'm sure there's other films I haven't seen.  

Format-wise I didn't have any real gripes although I spotted a couple typos.   One page 2, fire-arm" is one word and it seems metre should be plural.  

My main problem with this script was there was no big twist in the end.  I would've had Dumo pull out a gun in the courtroom and blow his brains out after he gave his testimony.  That way his plight would've been more widely publicized and he'd in a sense he'd show is penance for the murders he committed.  But that's just my take.

In any event,  nice work.  Keep it up.

Hey Dan - you knew I'd read this - having checked out all your stuff, some might even start calling me a fan ... or worse still, a stalker.

This was a bit of a 'cup of tea' script for me. Satifying but ... nothing to shout about.

I can't resist format issues, so a couple from me, and then onto the story:

FADE IN:
BLACKNESS
Two GUN SHOTS ring out.
EXT. AFRICAN VILLAGE - NIGHT

I cant really go for this - it's not logical to fade in to something you can't see.

BLACKNESS / ON BLACK / OVER BLACK
Two GUN SHOTS ring out.
FADE IN:
EXT. AFRICAN VILLAGE - NIGHT

Steve mentioned the opening, and I agree totally that you need a strong opening visual, but this one's a bit fluffy - I just got the feeling it could have been a bit more 'in your face'.

The Flashbacks I didn't like: If you read Christopher Riley (The Hollywood Standard), he's of the opinion that you can leave 'Flashback' out if it's quite clear what is going on - and I think here, with the scar, it's obvious enough, so they ended up, for me, just taking up space.

There was some over-writing:
The younger Dumo, could have been Young Dumo, it feels to me more like a name then.

## Dumo walks bag to his sleeping mat.
-- I'm not even going to say what it should be, just tsk. Very tsk.

On to the story -- for me - JMO - I think you score a small own goal, and miss a small sitter:

Old Dumo says "I'm here to raise awareness ..."
... which is just a bit ... yawn, really. I'd have liked some more on this - as this appears to be his key motivation, and it's now sounding like a Social Workers' Convention.

The key - I think is to do with Young Dumo - there's no real key moment - no struggle - maybe it would have done good to have gone for that 'first kill' - him being forced, coerced into firing that first shot - then being rewarded with the 'sweet treat' - I think that would have given some real emotional impact - and you could have interspersed that with Old Dumo shedding a tear?

Just my thoughts - it's good - I think all your scripts have a certain quality to them, this one's just lacking something to pull it out of the ordinary.

Thanks for the feedback, guys!

M.Alexander: Thanks for taking the time to provide some feedback. There's more to come to this script. It's definitely not yet complete. Not too fond of the idea of Dumo pulling out the gun for the 'crimes' he did. To me, it doesn't seem right. However, I do get where you're coming from. The ending does need more excitement. As far as I know, many people do know about Joseph Kony due to that viral youtube short documentary done on it, but it seems that nothing much has been done. I'm hoping that a director picks this up as it is a script I would like to see on screen.

Simon: Wouldn't say I knew you'd read this. More like I was hoping you'd read this. Your feedback is always appreciated, as you always raise such valid points. There's a few keys, I think (at least there's supposed to be). There's the moment when Dumo is rewarded with 'sweet treats.' There's the game that Dumo and his friends play when they count the men they've killed and then there's the moment when the older Dumo breaks down.

As I have already said, I want to open this one with the initial kidnapping of the kids. Hoping this will have some sort of impact.

Keep the feedback coming guys. I'm loving it  

Daniel

Hey Dan,

Great to see another script from you. It’s always a pleasure to read contributing members work and you’ve been doing your fair share of reviewing.

This was okay and kept me interested. It’s a sensitive subject and you’ve handled it with care and maybe this is its downfall.

For what you have, I don’t feel the flashbacks were absolutely necessary as it was mostly covered in Dumo’s speech.

If you use flashbacks, it would have been nice to see more dramatic events to pull us viewers into the harshness of this world and what Dumo and his fellow kid soilders went through.

It would be a risk to be more graphic of course but if you decide to go into this topic then I see no reason to tip-toe around it. Dive in and give us some emotion in these flashbacks which would then relate to the current speech and give it more meaning.

The writing was okay on the whole, you’ve come a long way since your first script and that shows great commitment and work, good job.

These are some notes I took during the read:

P.1 The first few opening paragraphs could be trimmed down for the better. You still have a tendency to add superfluous details. I’m not trying to bring you down here, as I still do it to be honest, but you need to cut the fat sometimes.

“A young boy” I don’t understand a line like this, okay you want to specify it’s a boy but why “young” boy? You reveal his age after his name.

Still have a habit of throwing in those “ing” words when it’s unnecessary and although it doesn't hurt the read, should be avoided for the better.

Dumo fires a round but I didn’t even know he had a gun? It seems like you spent a lot of time describing his scar though.

The first flashback seems redundant, basically the same as the opening shot and adds no new light to the story. Just a thought.

P.2 “The older Dumo” Personally think you can get rid of “the older” Think this is pretty clear as it’s the end of the flashback.

“metre away” Should be metres.

“the training field.” Another nit-pick I’m afraid, no reason to mention this as we already know we’re at the training ground.

“Let’s see more of that great
fighting out in the battlefield.”

Think “shooting” would be a better word used here instead of “fighting”
“contempt” Should be content.

P. 3 “Actually watching these men fall to
the ground after I shot them!”

Reads awkward and doesn’t sound natural to me. What’s with all the exclamation marks?

“through the forest” And again here, I know this. Sorry to be picky.

P.3/4 “(CONTINUED)” What’s going on? “continued” have suddenly appeared here. Try to rid of these, must be
something with your software.

“dumo rises” Didn’t cap Dumo.

“He looks out the small entrance of a doorway.” Awkwardly phrased IMO.

“creaps” should be creeps and “peaking” should be peeking. Both on the same line.

“we see” Oh no, here comes the nasty “we”

“reasonably” What’s reasonably empty? I mean does this include the guards?

“Dumo walks bag to his sleeping mat.” Another typo but I think the line speaks for itself.

P.5 “A few wipe tears from their eyes.” Kinda losing me here, what kind of meeting is this? I guess it wasn’t revealed but who goes into a meeting to hear a story and cry? I actually thought this was some speech in front of a U.N type organisation? Now I’m not sure.

“Fade out” or “the end” choose one but you don’t need both.

Overall a good read on a touching subject but I felt it could/should have been better. Some work needed on this one my friend.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Hey Steve,

Thanks again for you feedback on my work. I appreciate the time and effort you take in getting back to me.

Quoted from CoopBazinga This was okay and kept me interested. It’s a sensitive subject and you’ve handled it with care and maybe this is its downfall.

Interesting statement, but I get what you're saying. This script needs more action. I need to make it more haunting rather than just tread around this sensitive subject because that is what readers will like, right?

Quoted from CoopBazinga If you use flashbacks, it would have been nice to see more dramatic events to pull us viewers into the harshness of this world and what Dumo and his fellow kid soilders went through.

Fair enough. I already have an idea of some harrowing scenes I can add to this to hopefully make it a better and easier read.

I definitely still have problems with the way I write and I'm still working on that particular front. I think this website has already helped me in so many ways and I'm glad I made the choice to post here. VIVA SS!!

Anyway, thanks Steve. You always give some great feedback

Daniel

Hey, Daniel, good to see more from you. Kony is a very important topic so I can see the importance and meaning in a script such as this one. Overall, others have already gone over typos and little nitpicks I was going to mention, so I'll just say that I enjoyed this one. I think it would be a good thing to film and bring further awareness on the subject. Nice work.

Quoted from Ectoplasm Hey, Daniel, good to see more from you. Kony is a very important topic so I can see the importance and meaning in a script such as this one. Overall, others have already gone over typos and little nitpicks I was going to mention, so I'll just say that I enjoyed this one. I think it would be a good thing to film and bring further awareness on the subject. Nice work.

Thanks Ectoplasm (I still don't know your actual name)

Great to see people are enjoying this one and that people have realized how important this topic actually is. I would have filmed this one myself, except I live in an extremely cold country and there is no way I could find suitable locations to shoot. Guess I could use green screens, but I'm not a fan of that. I'd rather be surrounded by natural environment.

Anyway, thanks for your time

Daniel

Ah, sorry, the names Brandon, I should point that out more often than I do. And I'm not a fan of green screen either, it never looks decent to me.

Hey Daniel,

seen you working hard for others so thought i would have a look at this.

I haven't read any other feedback whilst taking notes so apologies if any repeats.

As i have said, for a 16 year old, this is miles above what i could do, so well done.

cheers

bill


Strangers come at night - feedback

Title - interesting title. i had a couple of images in my including a seedy erotic thriller, but that’s just me!!!

Good opening scene - punchy, to the point, yet visual
P3 Contempt - meant to be content?
Flashbacks - maybe a little too many, we get the message/image
“it’s sick, right? - not sure this adds anything, we’ll see
p4 Dumo needs to be capped in new scene

Finished. Ok, a nice piece, well done, but a bit like a government propaganda story.

How about we see him kill his friend by accident in the last flashback, or he runs away with a stack of money he hasn't declared. ie there is a twist in this short story that sets up a conflict (ie the driver in any story) between what he says and what he does.

I think short stories needs that twist/payoff to really make them zip. Here we hear his story and feel sorry for him/the country etc but what debate are we left with?

Otherwise sound work, and if i’m right that you are 16, them miles above what i could do at that age

well done.

Hey, Daniel

This was okay but I was expecting more from it.  It's a decent topic but the story lacked any great punch.

Dumo tells us he was encouraged to kill for sweets and then you sow us the same thing in a flashback, I think this is a waste: you tell us then show us.

The audience seem shocked by Dumo but surely they know what he's going to talk about?  I know they would still be shocked by some of the graphic details but maybe not immediately?

I just think it needs something unexpected to happen to move it to the next level.  It's not bad but could be better.