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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Only God Can Curse In Heaven! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Only God Can Curse In Heaven!  (currently 1717 views)
Don
Posted: June 28th, 2012, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Only God Can Curse In Heaven! by Stephanie Harris - Comedy - Only God Can Curse in Heaven! Jesus and Satan battle, God and Satan battle, but only God can curse in heaven! 90 pages - pdf, format


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M.Alexander
Posted: June 29th, 2012, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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Stephanie,

On the chance that this is your first attempt at screenwriting I'll be gentle as possible.   This script needs a lot of fixing.  My advice would be to read other scripts on this site (good ones) and a few screenwriting books.  Screenwriter's Bible by David Trottier is a good start.  

Learn how to "format" a script before you write one.  And for the record Jesus and Satan are defnitely not brothers, but that's beside the point.   Don't let this criticism discourage you.  

You knocked out a ninety page script so that tells me you've got determination.   Now you just need  education.  

Best of luck.

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M.Alexander  -  June 29th, 2012, 8:33am
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ottercat
Posted: July 1st, 2012, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Steph,

The formatting needs a lot of work like Alexander states. You also need to cut down dialog to 3 lines. With the right format, some of these would be 20 lines.

GOD
No, your first miracle should be making water into this fine
tasting wine. Now, this I agree on. I like that idea. This is
some good stuff here. (God takes a sip of wine out of his golden
cup and makes a toast) Let me think for a minute. You canít come
flying through the sky. Absolutely no flying! They will think
youíre the SATAN. You cannot go in a spaceship. They will
worship you and not me. And, if you come already grown and
wealthy, they will accuse you of buying your position. Son, the
only way I can see you going down there and making them
believers, is you would have to be born as a human child.

Also, you do not need to use CAPS in dialog and only use CAPS in slugs when your introducing someone for the first time.
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Redfly
Posted: July 2nd, 2012, 4:20am Report to Moderator
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There is little, if nothing else, I can add that hasn't already been suggested.  I didn't read much passed the beginning, but I did notice an error I'd like to point out:

JESUS
(Smiles at thought)
FATHER, think about this.  If I go down there as a human, do
some unbelievable miracles like; giving the blind site, make
the cripple walk, heal the leopards, and feed 5000 with 2
loaves of bread and 3 fish. They will believe in you as I
believe in you.

I think you meant heal the lepers.

Good luck in your current and future writing endeavors, Stephanie.
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gridlockd
Posted: July 25th, 2012, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Redfly
There is little, if nothing else, I can add that hasn't already been suggested.  I didn't read much passed the beginning, but I did notice an error I'd like to point out:

JESUS
(Smiles at thought)
FATHER, think about this.  If I go down there as a human, do
some unbelievable miracles like; giving the blind site, make
the cripple walk, heal the leopards, and feed 5000 with 2
loaves of bread and 3 fish. They will believe in you as I
believe in you.

I think you meant heal the lepers.

Good luck in your current and future writing endeavors, Stephanie.


Also think she means "giving the blind sight."


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