Volatile by Christopher Francis - Action, Adventure - A secret agent is thrown back into the world of his ex-girlfriend after taking on his latest mission to infiltrate a multinational corporation that's hiding it's more sinister deeds. 126 pages - pdf, format

Hi Chris - gave this a bit of a read. Not great to be honest.

Your opening doesn't work for me - it's too long, and doesn't really give us the clues that a powerful opening image should.

The following scene, again, I feel is too long - we take about 10 just to convey two scenes that, realistically could have been done adequately in two pages.

By ten pages (and often when the story's going nowhere) readers start to look for an inciting incident - not only does it not appear to be here, but I get the feeling it isn't going to be around for a while.

Lines like this:

The waitress is indeed MICHELLE, Michelle Walters (28,
violent, gun-crazy, with potential daddy issues), she’s the
same blonde that Max has been seen sneaking around with. Now
things make a little more sense.

... really don't belong in a script - from 'daddy issues' to 'thing make more sense' just need to be written out.

I'd say - sort out your opening image, tighten up your writing, and shorten your scene lengths, and you may be on the right tracks.

Best of luck with it.