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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Run! Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 6th, 2012, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Run! by Tom Mann - Drama - A tale of family, adversity and ultimately hope set against the backdrop of modern day London. The Akol family have recently escaped war torn Sudan in pursuit of a better life in the UK. When their meal ticket for a better life is violently taken from them it is up to the second oldest son, Joseph, to reinstall faith and hope within his family.  116 pages - pdf, format


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Eoin
Posted: July 7th, 2012, 6:19am Report to Moderator
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just another ego maniac with low self esteem

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Hello Tom, welcome to the site.

I'm assuming this is your first script? Let's start with the large blocks of description.

'The sun has just risen. Fog dwells over the grotty street,
it’s cold and the only colour present is a wide variety of
different shades of grey.
The colossal tower block casts an intimidating shadow over
the street outside. Everyone rests for the last few hours
before it’s time for their daily hardship.
The changing of the guard between the early risers and
late nighter’s on the estate is occurring with JOSEPH
AKOL, 19, one of the first to wake. His only company being
the binmen doing their morning rounds.He is originally
from Sudan has short cropped black hair, a dark complexion
and a svelte, athletic physique.
His attire is old and beaten. Considering the ungodly hour
he projects a youthful exuberance, carrying himself with
unflinching joy, the joy of movement, the joy of freedom,
the joy of simply being alive. He has an ever present grin
stretched across his youthful charming face. He stretches
his defined yet lean muscles in preparation for some
morning exercise.'

You need to break these up.

You also have lots of exposition, telling us the story instead of SHOWING us and unfilmables (anything that can't be seen, like pieces of information about a characters background or a characters thoughts).

You need to trim these. Right now, your script reads more like a novel than a screenplay.

Don't include personal direction or things like CREDITS.

Turn off the CONTINUED at the start and end of each page. People know how to scroll or flip a page over.
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