Operation Rogue by Rockland Mazaar (rmaze) - Short - Two agents for a private espionage firm try to steal fifty million dollars worth of diamonds. 14 pages - pdf, format

Hey Rockland,

Well.  I'm torn with this one.  I like the idea, the whole feel to it, and the neverending stream of betrayals... but it just doesn't completely work.  With such a short page count and no backstory, the dialogue can't be anything but expository, no matter how well you try to hide it (and you did a fair job).  But as it stands, you are trying to get across a LOT of information in a short amount of time.  It ends up confusing, no matter how interested I am.

The good:
The first scene had me enthralled.  I couldn't wait to see what was going to happen.
I never had an inkling of what was going to happen next.
Felt authentic, very sleek and straightforward.

The not so good:
Dialogue, while nice, felt very expository.
Too much happening at once.  Lots of plot complexities and twists and turns.  It's like a ten-second rollercoaster.  I feel that if you used this as an opening scene to a feature, and took a bit more time with the set-up and logistics of it all, it would be very effective.  It sets up the two thieving, tricky main characters and just how good they are at what they do.  It also mentions Rhenquist's desire to leave the business (which could go awry later in the film).

So, just my two cents.  Still liked it.

Boring. Talking heads. No action what so ever from something that's supposed to be action based what with all the agency skill folks lurking about. Predictable as well. The dialogue is on the nose. You have 14 whole pages. Why not write scenes for everything these guys are talking about? Ever see the intro scene to the second Bourne movie? You think the movie would have been better if a room full of CIA people sat around and talked about what happened for 5 minutes then went after Bourne?

@AsteroidJuice. Thanx for the read--I still owe you for the courtesy of reading my first posted short. I appreciate your honest and thoughtful critique. You touched on the one thing I was concerned with: the expository dialog. I wasn't so concerned with the short being confusing, but it seems my writing wasn't as precise as I had thought. I should have sought at least a second opinion for the sake of clarity. With that said, I'm pleased that reading this wasn't a complete chore for you.

@cloroxmartini--This was inspired by an old BBC program, "The Sandbaggers." It's an espionage serial in the tradition of all those old-timey British-dramas in which nothing happens--people just talk. Episodes are available on you*ube. You'd probably find an episode interminable, and if you could manage to get through one, you'd probably find it predictable, too. To answer the three questions you posted: I wanted to write a short/Yes/Probably.

Best regards,
rmaze

rmaze

I'll start with a few errors. Page 11, you have a slug for EXT, STATEN ISLAND, NYC - DAY then nothing?
Also you switch back and forth through the phone conversations but maybe it would read better as quick slugs like; TRAILER dialogue, HOTEL ROOM dialogue etc...

As for the story, I kind of liked it.  I can see AsteroidJuice's point that a lot happens, twists and turns for a short script but I couldn't help but enjoy it.

I want to go a bit more in depth with my review but frankly I'm falling asleep here; nothing to do with your script though, so I'll keep it short and sweet.  Nice dialogue and story twists.

Quoted from rmaze wanted to write a short/Yes/Probably.

You could show plenty of action in 14 pages/touché/touché

This is a funny little piece, there are bits I quite enjoyed and bits I didn’t so much... and then there were bits that amused me for the right reasons and bits that amused me for other reasons... and in the end it left me wondering whether you were trying to make some sort of point?

That final line “I’m officially done with this cloak and dagger, hired gun nonsense” sounded like the writer’s own voice coming through and I got the overwhelming impression there’s some sort of satire going on – “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” or “Cole and Porter hate each other” and the repetitions of “He’s off script” and everyone either closing files on other people, or having their files closed.

Even the slugs (and if I notice the slugs, then the slugs are an issue!) seemed to vary so much it almost feels deliberate. Same with the writing style, veering from phrases which are more than simply unusual - “Rehnquist eyes Shaw askance” or “all he had to do was murk some schlub”* – to the almost mundane - “Cole draws his gun. It has a suppressor.”

[*I add the rider that my own style ain't no better!]

One of the things I couldn’t get a handle on (I was so curious I went back and looked) is the variation of sentence structures and styles you use. The dialogue ended up being more puzzling to me than I can usefully feedback. A single character speaks using complex phrases (“So Cole maimed Smith and closed Porter’s file and, now, you want me to talk to him?”) and then simple ones (“You were supposed to do the Pakistan job. I saw the file. You’re fluent in Urdu.”). Same with the action lines - you write differently, almost in consecutive lines. Same with the slugs (I already mentioned those but that’s maybe because I’m so godawful at them).

For me personally, taken as a whole it’s trying just a touch too hard to get its message across.

BUT! on the up side there is definitely an interesting conspiracy/heist story running through it. Reinquist’s deduction about the previous attempts to ‘contact’ Cole was really good stuff and the layer upon layer of double cross got interesting too, although I really wanted the twist to be either that Cole and Reinquist were working together all along, or Reinquist pulled off the most uber triple-cross on his own and escaped clear with the lot.

I read cloroxmartini's comment about why not write scenes for all the back-story, but funnily enough my feeling when I finished it was: if you reduced it just to the action and only kept the dialogue that was strictly necessary to the plot (and left the S.Africans in S.Africa) - you'd have a pretty damn slick five minute blast-off.

@alffy

Thanks for the read and comments--I'm glad you like the script. And thanks for the advice. I agree that just using the location sans the EXT. and DAY/NIGHT during the phone convo is cleaner and flows better. I will use it in the future.

Best regards.

@marriot

Thanks for the comprehensive review. I'll admit that my writing/prose, etc, is austere.  I just want to convey the important info. But the writerly/novelist's approach does have it's virtues. Scripts written in that style are more enjoyable to read than the technical approach I've been using, which seems to clash with my dialogue. Thanks for pointing that out.

Spoiler:

Renhquist and Cole were working together the whole time. It was Renhquist who built the bomb that killed Porter. Turner couldn't get in contact with Renquist in Pakistan b/c Renhquist was in Portugal with Cole, plotting.

Finally, I gotta say-while I was inspired by the BBC show "The Sandbaggers" there was absolutely no point to this script other than me trying to write something entertaining. If it seemed like I was trying hard at that--I'll take that as a compliment. Again thanx.

Best regards

Hey Rockland,

I'm going to start a little negatively. This script can get cut down by a significant amount, without losing the lovely twists and turns. For example, the opening scene, don't need a large portion of that scene. To be quite frank, it's boring reading dialogue for however long that went on for. The ending scene as well isn't needed. Without these scenes, I feel this script has real potential. You kept me thinking throughout and overall it was an enjoyable read.

Here is Barry's description...

"BARRY REHNQUIST (44), average build, unremarkable..." - One problem there. Writers should never have characters that are "unremarkable" especially when it's one of the main characters. Having a seemingly boring character may take the reader right out the story and that's not what you want, right?

Page 3:

                      REHNQUIST
        Porter! Cole and Porter hate each
        other. You tried kill him?

- Don't you mean "You tried to kill him?" or "You tried killing him?" ??

Page 4: "His countenance conveys contempt." - Here's a bit of a personal issue, that other members may not agree with. You need to keep the language you use simple.  Every now and then you're going to get a high school student reading this. The last thing you want is a confused teenager scratching his head thinking "Huh?" ..

I'm going to be honest, after that opening scene I wanted to put this script down. I'm glad I didn't, but I did think it was worth mentioning. It's too slow at this point. Needs to get into the action part of the script, sooner.

You need to research easier ways of writing phone conversations. I suggest using the INTERCUT method. That way you wouldn't have to keep typing the slugs up.

Page 8:

                    SHAW
    He has the suitcase but no Cole.
    Send in the Afrikaans.

- Finally, me being a South African will turn out useful on these boards. "Afrikaans" isn't the correct term to use, here. Afrikaans is the language, but when you refer to Afrikaans speakers, you say "Afrikaaner." This bit of dialogue should actually read...

                      SHAW
    He has the suitcase but no Cole.
    Send in the Afrikaaner.

- Hey, you're forgiven for not knowing the South African lingo, but while you have an active South African member on the boards (Yes, I live in New Zealand now, but that's a long story) you may as well take full advantage of a person who knows the language, right?

Page 10: "Turner and Shaw lie on the floor dead and bleeding." - Them bleeding is obvious, they've just been shot. Just a thought.

That's about all I have. I liked this. Just thought that you can cut down on the uninteresting bits and cut to the chase.

Some good work, here

Send a pm if you have any further questions

Dan