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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Zombie Detective Moderators: bert
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  Author    Zombie Detective  (currently 2861 views)
Don
Posted: August 17th, 2012, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Zombie Detective by Simon - Series, Web Series - A young girl teams up with the famous ZOMBIE DETECTIVE to try and solve a case that may or may not involve a blood thirty werewolf . 12 pages - pdf, format


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: August 17th, 2012, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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Intriguing title.
But I'm getting a 404 error on the download.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: August 18th, 2012, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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I'm getting the same 404 error too.

The title has got me really wanting to check it out for sure, I guess I will come back to it.
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Ledbetter
Posted: August 18th, 2012, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
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OMG...

So am I...

Someone call a...

ZOMBIE DETECTIVE!
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alffy
Posted: August 19th, 2012, 3:42am Report to Moderator
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I notice a spelling mistake in the logline which isn't good.  Unless the Werewolf is 30 and not thirsty?  Shame this has an error as it does sound quite interesting.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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Don
Posted: August 19th, 2012, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Link Fixed.


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alffy
Posted: August 19th, 2012, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey Simon, hope you're around.

Rather than using the same slug twice in a row, try using LATER, it looks much better.

A noticed a few times you wrote things like:
'She's watching as he's throwing out chunks of bread to the ducks in the water.'

This would be better in the present tense like this:
'She watches as he throws chunks of bread to the ducks in the water.'

Zombie seems uninterested with Katie but in the next scene he's in her apartment?

A few lines to describe Zombie's office would be nice.

The description of Katie ready to spend the night in a tent is unfilmable and can be cut.

Katie says 'Do flatter yourself...', should it be 'don't'?

What does Katie hear behind her?  A knock?  A footstep? A howl? A shuffle?

When you have two different scenes taking place in the warehouse I'd try and add something to the slugs to indicate a difference.  
Something like INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - STORAGE AREA - NIGHT
And then INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - OFFICE - NIGHT
Otherwise I wonder why Zombie doesn't see Katie if they're both stood in the warehouse?

After Zombie says the man is alive and they transport him to the Store room, why does Katie say they killed him?  Also I assumed the werewolf was naked but the man is wearing clothes.  A little niggle but you could describe the werewolf is clothed.

I would have liked the man to have a name and more importantly I'm not sure I like the name Zombie.  I know he's a zombie but why is he called Zombie?

The concept has great potential but it's not been used here.  There's no reason why Zombie needs to be a zombie, I think you've missed an opportunity here.  He's a zombie so make him unique.  Katie's a journalist; is this important for later episodes?  Is she going to use this to find mysteries?

The dialogue was good but the action needs a tidy up.  This has good potential but the story isn't strong enough at the moment.  Keep working on it and you could be on to something good here.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: August 19th, 2012, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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I woke up the morning to see the script was fixed, thanks for that!(Don, right?)

I skipped breakfast so I was hoping Zombie Detective would fill me up, but after reading it I went downstairs and made myself some eggs.

I guess the from reading the title alone, I had high expectations for it. I'll start with Zombie and work my way to a point here.

Zombie doesn't have any of the characteriscs the readers know about zombies. You've made references to him being older than he looks, so he might of had time to learn to live with it, but that shouldn't have changed the quirks that comes with his condition. At times, I would have expected him to try to get a nibble in or two and fight it off. Also, why does he need to use a gun? I realize he is up against a werewolf, but for being a zombie, he should have more original methods and skill sets to tackle the case.

Dare I say it was too short? The only zombie I have seen so far is the story itself. That aside, the story needs progression, not just stumbling on to a homeless girl that provides no information or purpose. The only sparkle to this read is that Zombie's new partner seems willing to help these creatures get back to their humanity. I don't know if she needs to bother with Zombie because he seems pretty human already. The werewolf need more conflict with the protagonists before the conclusion.

"Been" should have been "Being", but thats the least of your worries. Technically, it read decent, so the story is the main culprit here.

The characters really have some identity issues here and your plot needs to be explored more. Like I said, the title ZOMBIE DETECTIVE is original and has the potential to be a slam dunk. Thanks for the read.

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CoopBazinga
Posted: August 22nd, 2012, 3:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey Simon,

I had to take a peek because of that intriguing title but after reading the logline I knew what I was in for...you really need to proofread your work before submitting. There were tons of typos and grammar/punctuation issues.

"chucks" chunks
"wearhouse" warehouse
"revolter" revolver
"filing" filling

The action changes from present to past tense which really hurts the read and tripped me up on many occasions. To be honest there were lots of problems and Alffy has covered some ground so hopefully that will be helpful.

The story is also lacking which is a shame because this could have a lot of potential to be a cracking comedy.

We jump into this like we know these characters and I guess we should because zombie is indeed the "famous" zombie detective after all. But what does he detect? Is he a kinda of P.I who works the paranormal cases or does he normally deal with cheating wives/husbands and getting all the photos to prove their affairs...we have no idea.

I mean he has no background at all, in fact he doesn't even want to work the case at the beginning but is suddenly at Katie's apartment looking over photographs of the abandoned warehouse.

You might want to throw something in about why no law enforcement has also caught onto the pattern of all the people dying in the same place on a full moon for eight months because I'm pretty they would have figured it out if Katie has.

I did like the scene where Zombie asks Katie to leave him alone and let him prepare and she replies "You're in my house" and he just nods and says "Yes, and now I'm leaving" This made crack up so I hope it was supposed to be funny.

The warehouse scene is messy, Katie being there in camping gear and a tent for starters doesn't work and then there's the poor dead homeless guy and his missus who get completely forgotten about. The worst part for me was Zombie asking what it looked like, I mean he doesn't know what a werewolf looks like? And the werewolf being in shredded clothes like the Hulk is also a misstep IMO.

I guess it's nice touch to have Katie wanting to save this lost soul but this guy/werewolf has just killed a homeless man and countless others over the last eight months and these two just ask him to write down his address and let him go home...I wonder if he gave them his real address?

Unfortunately, this completely missed the mark for me but not all is the lost because the idea is solid and could work if you give it more thought and develop the characters and plot more.

I also liked the title, whole reason I checked it out.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve
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Padoobies
Posted: September 18th, 2012, 5:45am Report to Moderator
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I also caught several grammatical errors/typos, but those are an easy fix.

Usually the first script written for a series is the pilot.  Since we don't know anything yet, the pilot usually introduces us to the charachters, gives some back story, and explains thier situation.

It was hard for me to get get into the script because I was not emotionally invested in the charachters.  For example, you never even gave the Zombie a name.  Also what is going on in this world you created?  Is he the only Zombie?  Are people generally accepting of Zombies in society?  How did he become a Zombie?  All the unanswered questions were distracting to me and they kept me from connecting with the piece.
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