I Got You by Muoneke Chidiebere - Short, Comedy - The script is about troubles of a friend can change another friend marital's life. - html, format

Hmm... not sure exactly what happened here with the formatting and whatnot.  Even so, your dialogue sounds robotic and the action lines leave a lot to be desired.  With everything left-justified, it's going to be hard to get reads on a piece this long.

If you show up on the boards I'll take a deeper look.

Gage

Hello Muoneke,

I assume this may be your first attempt as a screenplay so i will only comment on the technical side and not the story as i anly got a few lines into this one.

Is english your second language ? As a few words gave this away.

You really need to get some software in order to get the formatting correct as well as read as many screenplays as you can to get an idea of how they should look as well as how to write them.

"A server man comes to them passes saucer of glasses of wine to them"

A server man ???? maybe try waiter though the rest of the sentance doesn't make much sense.
Maybe Try:- "A waiter places a saucer and a glass of wine in front of him" ?????

Miss Nora walks up to Mr. Jackson and Mrs. Jackson.
She is obviously excited.
Dont repeat maybe:- Miss Nora walks up to an excited Mrs. Jackson

I think it is a good attempt and you should keep going, though unless you get the format correct so it reads easier, people wont read it thoroughly. Get some free formatting software and redo it.

If the format was better I would have read it all !!!!!

Alex

Hey Muoneke,

To put it quite bluntly, this script is a mess. You really need to knuckle down and go and learn the basics of scriptwriting. Look, there is that possibility that I may have just turned down a story that has potential. It could have been the best story in the entire world. It could have been the next big thing... But the execution is lacking big time. I'm sorry, but I got to your second line of dialogue before I thought 'Nah, I ain't reading this.' Seems harsh, right? Unfortunately, honesty is probably the only way I'm going to get my point across.

I'd rather not leave you on such a shitty note, so I will try to be as constructive as possible.

For starters, your log-line is in need of some serious work. It simply hardly makes sense. And the parts that do make sense scream 'BORING!' right at me. There's nothing new to it, nothing we haven't seen one hundred times, already.

Then there is the actual writing. No FADE IN: no biggy for me, but it does matter for other screenwriters. It's best to just include it.

Then, we come to your slugs. Simply put, they are incorrect.

"INT. JOHN'S HOUSE_BIG WEDDING DAY"

-should be...

"INT. JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY" - Leave the 'BIG WEDDING' part out of it and lose the underscore line.

There is too much telling, rather than showing. For example...

"A wedding day has been in progress."

Or...

"It is wedding of Mr. John Collins and Miss Mary Jackson."

Spend more time describing certain things that make it seem like there is a wedding going on. You need to reveal some clues, rather than just telling us that there is a wedding going on. Make sense?

When you introduce characters, their names should be in CAPS. For example...

"They are later joined by bride's cousin, Nora."

should be...

"They are later joined by Bride's cousin, NORA." - Repeat this when you introduce any character to us.

On to dialogue formatting...

MR. JACKSON
I am so happy that our daughter is finally married

should be like this...

                     MR. JACKSON
     I am so happy that our daughter is
     finally married.

- If you take the time to download scriptwriting softwares such as Celtx or Trelby, formatting dialogue wont be such a chore. I've used both Celtx and Trelby, before and they are both great softwares.

To put it quite bluntly, the dialogue is horrible. No one talks the way you have your characters talking...

Sorry to have to be harsh on this one. I think some research is needed to get those basic screenwriting tasks correct. Once you do this, you may get more reads, but as it stands at the moments, people wont bother spending their time on this.

Don't let the negatives discourage you. Take advantage of them and FIX THIS SCRIPT! When you've done that, re-submit and send me a PM. I'll be more than willing to help out.

Good luck

Dan