Beautiful by Mit Shah - Short, Romance, Comedy - A sort of monologue about two people in love but separated by their inability to confront one another. 7 pages - pdf, format

Not only point out the bad, but here it goes...

You title page isn't filled out. It's there, but it says SCRIPT TITLE.
Starting off on page one, you have AJ CORRIDOR, it be just me, but I have no idea what that means, making it hard for me to have a starting visual.

You say "the students give him their files one by one." I'm not sure if they are going up to his desk or if he's walking around. Then you have Gary "secretly pass the assignment he  wrote for her" to Shelley. There's no description for either of them. Again, making it hard for me to visualize them. You have in your slug, 10th classroom, so I'm assuming they're Sophomores.

"He has been in love with her since the 2nd grade. But he hasn’t had any courage to confess his love."
Just remember that you're writing for the screen. There is no way of showing this. How would an audience know this?

"He starts day dreaming about Shelly. He thinks about her beautiful BROWN eyes, her long BROWN hair, her LIPSTICK- COATED lips."
Again, how would this work on the screen? Are we seeing what he's daydreaming?

EXT. PROM HALL
The moon shines brightly and the couple is standing under the moonlight.
If you're going to have and "EXT." you need to put day/night. Also, it confused me that the prom hall is an exterior, so maybe you should put a more descriptive slug.

I'm not sure why at Shelley's funeral, they would read from her diary about her being in love with someone other than her husband.


I see what you were going for here, and the end is somewhat heartfelt, but the whole thing just didn't work for me. It was a nice little piece though. I think with a few rewrites, you could make something out of this. Keep at it. This could be good with some more work.

Yeah - I have to agree with Steex on this one - there's potential there, but from the way it's written this is going to go into too many people's trash can off the first page.

Worth a re-write, though.

Ok well, there is a GREAT lil story with my favorite friend IRONY... hiding in there.

Some things:

Forget all those camera directions and write it like a spec script. Correct the spelling errors.

The dialogue is on the nose..needs to be more natural.

You may have overused Gary's VO about being shy.

You use 'COLLEGE' in your slugs...but is there a PROM in college? If so, I sure din't go..remember prom in high school though! Most of it! Also...do high school or college students waltz? I dunno..maybe I was uncool but I din't even know what waltz looked like in high school

This is a really good story though if you can clean it up and do a rewrite.

I simply LOVE the IRONY though in two people being in love... failing to admit their feelings for whatever reason ...and then after death(when it's too late) they realize there was love there all the time.

IRONY sweet IRONY. Good job but get to work! Clean this up and it will be awesome!

“She never told her love, but let concealment, like a worm 'i th' bud, feed on her damask cheek." William Shakespeare.

Hi Mit,

Your story is good and there's potential. What's not good is the formatting and the grammar. I can tell you don't speak English very well by the way you write things, like "College" in stead of school or high school; or "corridor" instead of hall, it is obvious that many of this stuff is google translated. It's a good story. Keep writing, don't let criticism hurt you. =)

Quoted from Chris Ramos ... the way you write things, like "College" in stead of school or high school; or "corridor" instead of hall, it is obvious that many of this stuff is google translated.

Not necessarily true. He may have been taught english in the non-American format. For example, a "hall" is a "corridor" to us and I go to a "college" not a "high school" even though I'm taught the same stuff that people at a high school are. College doesn't necessarily represent tertiary education. It can also be a Secondary school in some countries.

Quoted from danbotha Not necessarily true. He may have been taught english in the non-American format. For example, a "hall" is a "corridor" to us and I go to a "college" not a "high school" even though I'm taught the same stuff that people at a high school are. College doesn't necessarily represent tertiary education. It can also be a Secondary school in some countries.

I know this stuff. But is the way he joins his words, "...the 2nd grade," "...thank you kiss and goes," "...with a stone on his heart," "...dreamt of putting in Shelly’s fingers."

People whose first language is English, don't add "the" before words that don't need it; and know how to use "in" and "on". This becomes more difficult to people whose first language is not English.

Also he uses the word "prom" which is mostly, if not only, used in the U.S. Other countries use other words. So if he is from the U.S. he wouldn't use "college" to refer to secondary school.

English is my second language, and these are errors I myself have made. Also, where I come from, "college" can be from kidergarten to university, so I know this.

So he's either a kid, which I don't think he is because he knows how high school works; or he's a person who's in the process of learning English.   So the second one makes more sense.

And I don't say it in a bad way, is totally fine, I liked his story.   So, to the author of this story, keep writing.  

I meant no disrespect to you Chris. It's good to see another teenager on the boards. Hope you make the most of it.

Mit, I haven't read this, but it seems fair that I do.

Chris, no hard feelings, mate

Hey Mit,

Ok, despite the many technical issues with the script, I actually really liked this. You have a very visual way of portraying true emotion, so kudos for that. I'm not ashamed to admit that there were almost (almost!) a couple of tears from my direction. I'm a manly buff guy, so that's quite a feat. I'm kidding, of course

Just remember to include all important details from the very start. For example, with this, I have no idea how old the students were until the Prom scene. These are details that need to be included with you initial introduction of your characters.

Ok, so here goes.

For starters, you need to remember all the basic formatting rules, such as having FADE IN: at the start of your screenplay.

Page 1: "EXT. AJ CORRIDOR" - You need a time of day in all slugs. Without that, your slug-line simply isn't complete. For example...

"EXT. AJ CORRIDOR - DAY"

Page 1: "There is some distance in the movement." - Yeah, I'm not sure about this. Think you need to describe the disturbance a little more, as it's a little unclear at the moment. Show, don't tell.

"The BELL RINGS, indicating change in classes." - We know what the bell indicates, therefore it is unnecessary to say "indicating change in classes."

It's the same with another sentence, also on page 1...

"MR. MILES, a middle aged sir, with English books in his hands indicating his subject." - Again, the "indicating..." part isn't needed. You could re-write it like this...

"A middle-aged MR. MILES, english books in hand, walks in."

Page 1: "The class goes on as usual, with each second feeling as long as an hour." - You've used something called an un-filmable; something that can't be translated directly to film. Imagine you are the director of this film for a moment. Now you, as the director, have just come across the following sentence...

"The class goes on as usual, with each second feeling as long as an hour." - Now, how are you, as the director of the film going to get this filmed? How can you film, the seconds ticking away like hours? How can you tell the actors to act that out? You can't. However, you can tell the actors to fidget, to move uncomfortably, that sort of thing. That's what has to make it to the screenplay. Not the FEELINGS of the characters, but the ACTIONS taking by your characters, to show those FEELINGS.

I would re-write it like this...

"The class continues, students fidget."

Page 1: "He has been in love with her since the 2nd grade." - These are details that, yes, are important, but again, the audience watching the film wont be able to see this. Always write for what an audience watching the film can see.

Page 2:

                       GARY
            Your welcome, SHELLY

- "Your" should be "You're". I'm also a little confused as to why "Shelly" is in CAPS?? Is he shouting her name?

"...which melts Gary's heart away." - Another thing that couldn't be seen by an audience watching the film.

"He thinks about her beautiful BROWN eyes, her long BROWN hair, her LIPSTICK-COATED lips." - An audience can't see what he's thinking about.

The flash-forwards to the wedding and funeral could have been handled a lot better, IMO. I just think that at the start of the wedding, it's a little unclear until we realize that the story has jumped forward in time. You could easily convey that in a much easier way. Like this...

"INT CHURCH - DAY

SUPER: YEARS LATER." - This shows that time has passed since we last saw these characters.

I don;t think the voiceover's in the script are needed. You can still effectively show that Gary is in love. I'd suggest trying to tell it visually, rather than relying on those voice-overs. The best writers are capable of showing everything visually, rather than baby-feeding the reader.

Overall, it's not bad. You just need to work on the storytelling aspect of your writing. When you write, ask yourself: "What's visually important for this screenplay? How can I show this, rather than tell it?" Considering this may very well be your first screenplay, you have a bright future ahead of you, my friend. Now, all you have to do is focus on the feedback giving and fixing this script according to that feedback.

Take care and keep writing...

Dan

Hello Mit.

Quite a bit of redundancy and unfilmables within the first page not to mention the absense of the title on the title page.  I also noticed your slugs don't indicate day or night.

Another problem is that you introduced Mr. Miles properly but not Shelly or Gary really yet in their dialogue, you use both their first and last name which was strange.

The story started to pick up toward the end but the part about the diary seemed inappropriate seeing as how it talked about her being in love with Gary rather than Jim.

Overall a good story, just rough around the edges.  A few rewrites and it should flow rather nicely.

A decent story from someone who seems to be writing their first script.

As mentioned, clean up the formatting issues, spelling, etc. My advice is to read other screenplays to see how they flow. Despite a decent story, people will be turned of by the way it reads and then you're left with a story to tell, but no one to read it.

I would say show, don't tell. Show us the love Gary has, instead of flat out telling the read through voice over.

I think with a few more re-writes, you might actually think of a larger story to tell, then see where the characters take you.