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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Insatiable Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 26th, 2012, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Insatiable by Brandon Coleman - Horror, Thriller - A young man struggles to bury his past as visions of death appear all around him. 76 pgs - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 19th, 2012, 4:37pm
logline change
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Alex_212
Posted: September 27th, 2012, 7:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brandon,

Don't have the time to read 76 pages ATM. Sorry. But I  did notice the Logline seems wrong ?

A young man struggles put his past behind him as visions of death appear all around him.

Not sure if it's a typo, though it seems like there's a word missing (to).

Alex


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 27th, 2012, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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Yep, it's definitely missing "to".  Also, you don't want to use "him" twice like you did.  It reads poorly.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Coleman
Posted: September 28th, 2012, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys. I'll change that.


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
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Steex
Posted: October 5th, 2012, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Coleman,
what part of Illinois are you from?
I live in the Land of Lincoln as well.


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Coleman
Posted: October 8th, 2012, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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Southern Illinois.


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: November 4th, 2012, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Brandon gave your script a look, here are some of my thoughts...


You have a head start on having not just a physical altercations (killing machine), but psychological one. It's clear that Derrick is suffering from an obsession, through his paintings and nightmarish visions, and by stories end we learn how that relates to him having a negative effect on the people around him. He murders women. In the beginning there's some suspense about whether or not he'd hurt the women he encounters, but after awhile the idea of nightmarish visions seemed repetitive. IMO you lose out on your plot because of the visions and flashbacks that hardly if at all reveal anything that advances things. Things started getting interesting near the end, and you don't need much there. I guess I just didn't feel there was enough plot in the middle. He doesn't seek help, he hasn't seemed help, audience isn't learning much from the flashbacks other than he's been involved with a women before.

Derrick appears to have a need, to learn not to kill. However, he doesn't learn that. Naomi appears to be the victim, but she doesn't have nothing to learn. Might consider splitting screen time between Naomi and Derrick.


Congrats on dishing out another feature.


BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Coleman
Posted: November 5th, 2012, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Busy Little Bee
Hey, Brandon gave your script a look, here are some of my thoughts...

You have a head start on having not just a physical altercations (killing machine), but psychological one. It's clear that Derrick is suffering from an obsession, through his paintings and nightmarish visions, and by stories end we learn how that relates to him having a negative effect on the people around him. He murders women. In the beginning there's some suspense about whether or not he'd hurt the women he encounters, but after awhile the idea of nightmarish visions seemed repetitive. IMO you lose out on your plot because of the visions and flashbacks that hardly if at all reveal anything that advances things. Things started getting interesting near the end, and you don't need much there. I guess I just didn't feel there was enough plot in the middle. He doesn't seek help, he hasn't seemed help, audience isn't learning much from the flashbacks other than he's been involved with a women before.

Derrick appears to have a need, to learn not to kill. However, he doesn't learn that. Naomi appears to be the victim, but she doesn't have nothing to learn. Might consider splitting screen time between Naomi and Derrick.


Congrats on dishing out another feature.

BLB




Thanks, Busy Little Bee. I'm glad you took the time to read my feature. Your thoughts on Derrick seeking help is considered. I have to figure out how to insert that. With the flashbacks I did want to show more of Derrick's past. I really wanted to think of a way to show more of Naomi's character but I thought that would take away from the story being shown from Derrick's perspective. Anyhow, thank you for your criticism, its given me something to mull over as I improve parts of the script.


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: November 10th, 2012, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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No prob. Sure, you'll have another feature up in no time. Are the rest of those titles in your signature horrors? Which is the latest?

BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Coleman
Posted: November 12th, 2012, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Busy Little Bee

No prob. Sure, you'll have another feature up in no time. Are the rest of those titles in your signature horrors? Which is the latest?

BLB



This is the only horror I have so far. I'm working on a cannibal story. Although my "After Dark" script is somewhat of a horror but more so sci-fi kind of horror because it deals with mutagenic drug. The latest script aside from this one is "Bethany".



"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
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