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Talking to the Hand by Brandon Bushman (Danger Doer) - Short, Comedy - Marty's got a big day of work tomorrow and can't fall asleep. Marty decides to quickly pleasure himself so he can get a good nights rest however, Marty's hand he masturbates with has a different plan. 4 pages - pdf, format
Your second paragraph has my comment sounding like one of those Fry from Futurama memes. Not sure if Jerkins lotion is typo... Or clever play on words.
This was a decently entertaining script. Seemed to me like a a scene from a movie.
There were a few typos: Your/you're switches, SIKE instead of PSYCH/over time instead of overtime, etc.
But overall, I honestly liked it. It was fun and quick. It was original.
Amusing skit. ‘Fade In’ should be aligned left and you can turn off the (continued). Could trim the dialogue here and there to quicken the pace and maybe give us more of the ‘dead hand’ gag as a visual. Made me grin. Decent little twist at the end...
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
I spotted a few minor grammar mistakes, but besides that this was definitely an easy and entertaining read. It made me smile and the twist was funny. Good work.
I am finding it "hard" to critique this "short" without laughing. One thing is when you "introduce" the RIGHT HAND, you shouldn't have "female voice" right there. I would have put it as a parenthetical (most hate it but may serve it better) as soon as "she" speaks.
Funny to come up with a screenplay about this, but sometimes you never know. I guess writing anything helps improve your craft. No nudity, so you still might be able to "shoot" something like this. Thanks for lettting us into your bedroom read this.
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
A big thanks to everybody for reading this short and giving me some great pointers. A lot of your comments made me laugh and wonder the same questions. I tried to have a friend shoot this for me, but things fell through, oh well. So glad many of you liked it. I will try to address all of you that have posted in this giant post. Jeremiah Johnson I loved what you had to say especially the last part, "Thanks for lettting us into your bedroom read this." This pretty much made me laugh my ass off. SiColl007 so real men use their right hand, I feel a real man uses both hands at the same time, but that's just my opinion. Ectoplasm glad that you found it to be a entertaining read. I feel that any comedy sketch should have a twist or a punch line, thanks for liking mine. Stevemiles maybe the dead hand gag could be an alternate ending, Marty could sit on the hand till it passes out, but now that I think about it would that count as rape? Nah, just good comedy. Steex Jerkins is a clever play on words because I don't want to add to the list of typo's in this script. Alffy how did I come up with this story? Well I had this happen to a friend one time, it wasn't me I swear. It was a friend, yeah a friend. Oh and yes I've seen Idle Hand, it's freaking hilarious and Jessica Alba is freaking hot. Pale Yellow I'm so happy that you made it through this script, thanks for your kind words. Alex_212 soon enough I will be posting on other scripts, yours will be the first, thanks for posting. Thanks again to all of you, now that I got some reading and posting to do.
Brandon, welcome to SS. Like others have said, make sure you read and review other's work. It is the unwritten rule here to get reviews. Good luck. How's the hand?
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
In terms of technique, this script flows quite well with a few hiccups here and there. That huge block of dialogue could be broken up with a line or two of action but it reads just fine.
The story pretty unique. Can't say I've ever read anything like it but going through it, I'm guessing Marty is ambidextrous which is pretty bad. Just had to point that out. Good read.
This was fun to read and, dare I say it, kinda cute. As others have mentioned, you have a few grammatical errors (you’re/your being your biggest issue), but nothing too detrimental or distracting. I’d maybe change the moment the hand first comes to life. I’d change it so that “You would like that, wouldn’t you?” would be its own line followed by Marty’s reaction. Otherwise, this works fine and is ready to be filmed.
And how wonderfully appropriate a script about jacking off was written by a guy named Bushman.