Fatal Casualties by Dena McKinnon (paleyellow) - Short, Psychological Dark Drama - Happily ever after may be only an illusion for a young couple overcoming addiction and loss. 4 pages - pdf, format

Dena,

I'm not gonna pick out any pet peeves I might have with your writing style, because frankly it's a matter of personal preference.   You're a seasoned pro and definitely have your own panache.   I'll just say it was a quick, effective and depressing read.  

Good job!

A psychological dark drama?   I found that a little strange.   I'd just call it a drama.

Wow.  Pretty dark.  Very simple, very cheap; can see this one as an indie short.  There's some solid writing here: I love the reveal of Amber's pregnant belly.  All the light vanishing and the paint peeling when Amber puts Kayla to bed is a very inspired visual image.  The only thing I don't really like about this piece is the title.  It just sounds weird to me.  Good job!

Gage

Hey Dena,

I liked this one, a powerful and dark little story but I will confess to being a tad confused at a certain point initially in the forest so had to have a re-read but it was quickly cleared up.

This has remnants of another of your shorts, I think it was called “12 Steps” which was about a couple on drugs (heroin) and they had a child. I don’t know? Maybe I’ve got that wrong – read it a while ago but when the pregnant belly was revealed it reminded me of that story for some reason.

The writing’s fluid, terse and that means it’s a quick read which is always a good thing. Although I’ll admit to being stumbled a few times by certain phrases like “he pulls out the tools of the trade” I didn’t know what the hell this meant until I read the next line. I had to stop and think for second and it turned out to be something completely different.

I was also a little confused as to why the characters had no ages but Kayla?

But other than those little niggles which is hardly worth the time, this is an extremely well executed little short with a powerful closing image.

Good stuff, Dena.

Steve

Thanks guys. I have this habit of throwing stuff up here that shouldn't be After I sent it in to Don, I emailed him and said don't worry bout putting this up but it's up so can't hide my fast hodge podge of work now! lol

It was a quick draft, for someone that posted looking for a short with certain props in here a while back. Just took one of my old stories(12 Steps-which has also been rewritten) and changed the characters a bit and the ending and the props.

Thanks again for the read

Quoted from CoopBazinga This has remnants of another of your shorts, I think it was called “12 Steps”

Quoted from Pale Yellow Just took one of my old stories(12 Steps-which has also been rewritten) and changed the characters a bit and the ending and the props.

I was bang on the money then!

SPOILERS!

I like the tone. I like the atmosphere. But the clarity of the story needs to be fixed especially when it gets to the 10 year mark. I think Amber's gone insane. if so, why does Charlie decide to shoot her?

Gabe

I like it.

Dena,

I read this earlier this morning. Your writing is nice. Maybe a little too wordy, but maybe that's just me. Look out for repetitiveness in your descriptions...

The beginning was good. The pregnant belly made me cringe (for the baby). I was confused by Kayla being 11 when this was only 10 years later, but I figured it out soon enough.

Good story even if not new or earth shattering. Would be easy to film. Did you write this for, you know who?

Yeah Pia...I did--wasn't what he wanted tho ...and then wrote a better one called She Comes At Night....cuz they wanted real life scary. Did they begin production on yours??

My writing is always too wordy I need to get an axe this year for Christmas!! SANTA???

Hey Dena!

Always a pleasure looking in on active members; scripts!

You're definitely exhibiting more confidence on the page these days.
Though I think there's too many inviting veins and dancing shadows.
But it sets the mood well overall.

*SPOILERS*
You kinda spill the beans with the kid's age there. Why?
The cat and mouse with the kid also telegraphs the reveal.
*END*

I'd take those interactions in a different direction...
Why not have Kayla... integrated into the parents' druggy lives.
Amber shoots up in front of the kid. Has her tie off the rubber tube even!

Then Kayla makes off with the syringe for a twisted game of hide and seek.
Which could turn into that visceral behavior over the dirt.

Something shocking like that would take my attention away from the reveal.
Along with adjusting Kayla's age.

Good stuff! Someone will produce this.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Dena

I liked this little dark tale.  It's a bit over written but I tend to do the same with shorts.
Not much else to say as I haven't got any real niggles with it and so I'll again just say that this was a great little short.

Good work.

Thanks guys!

Brett ...good advice and I'll clean it up soon.

And like I said, I'm going to make it to as many malls as I can this December...sit in all the Santa laps I can find...maybe even do a lil wiggle ...and I'll get that golden AXE   Try to learn to write leaner! Promise!

Thanks tons. October OWC will be my ONE year anniversary of diving into this website and starting screenwriting. I'm going to celebrate Halloween!!!! Love this place.

dena

Good and dark story just how I like them.  I tend to write wordy as well so that didn't bother me.  

All the tips I wanted to say have already been said.  Clean it up some and I think it could make a good festival run someday!

Dena, you can write, for sure.  With this one, I agree that some of your descriptions are too wordy, and that there is a tendency to repeat visuals.  However, when you get your AXE at Xmas, trim by all means but please do not completely decapitate the style that you have.  Tighten stuff up but please don't lose all the good stuff.  What's better -- a seasoned chicken leg, or a bone?  We're all trying to crack that nut...getting white on the page while having a style of our own.  It's a fun game, this screenwriting lark...    

And now I'm going to contradict the above by telling you what I think you can hack out --

Phrases like 'Game over' in the action lines.  When there good, there good -- but not sure about the employment of it here.  It didn't feel like game over, it felt like we were in the middle of something, if you know what I mean.

On page two when we leave the woods for the first time and the couple meet outside the farmhouse -- do we need this scene?  I'm guessing it's too show their still together but I think it could be cut.

"Dark, dingy room, the only life is Amber as she sits in a an
old rocker. Kayla sleeps in her arms".  This is is kinda telegraphing things for me. Hold things back!

"A tear rolls out of her eyes. She can’t do it. She lowers the
gun. Sobs.
Once again, gets her courage up.
She sticks the gun in her mouth. Closes her eyes. Her finger
presses the trigger slowly.
Failure again. She lowers the gun. Drops it on the floor."

It's funny, I wrote I scene like this recently.  Very similar.  I was re-writing it and got it down from about eight lines to two.  You've got six lines here and I think you could get the scene across quicker.  I would start by chopping "She can't do it" & "Failure again" and stuff like that.

SPOILERS

I'm not too sure about the ending.  Why does he have to kill her?  Just doesn't seem satisfactory.  Don't even grave robbing junkies deserve a chance?

BTW -- the title sounds like a war movie. And also, have you seen the movie 'Antichrist'? If not, watch it.  (but don't blame me).