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Eric, I'm sorry, but your logline is very poorly written to the point of me not even wanting to open the actual script because I know what it's going to look like.
C'mon, Jeff, it's not that bad. Awkwardly phrased (female & mate - WTF), yes, but not entirely unreadable.
The script itself felt longer than 5 pages (and you really should thrown in a title page, E). It's probably because nothing really happens. You have Alicia reminiscing about shit that's already gone down using these terrible on-the-nose voiceovers (also, lose the CONT'D and replace them with the V.O.s, they don't belong down there).
It's pretty obvious from the get go that Victor is corpse so the "reveal" in the end falls flat. What you should do - if you wanna do anything - is actually tell the story of they day when Alicia gets the call because what you have here has no drama, no goals, no stakes, no urgency, no nothing.
Wasn't my cup of tea.
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
Yeah - nothing really happens, no real story there. Plus there's some issues with the writing: 'as she look over every detail.' Eric Nigma? Like E Nigma? Okay.
I get it. Difficult to read at times, but I get it. I can only imagine what a woman in her position might think and this might be something a woman, not all, would imagine. Touching.
I get it. Difficult to read at times, but I get it. I can only imagine what a woman in her position might think and this might be something a woman, not all, would imagine. Touching.
Yeah - women. Just read all about Myleen Klass and how she got dumped by her bouncer boyfriend after 11 years (it's a Brit thing), so it put this in a slightly different light. There's a touch of pain in there - I guess the author went through something. Pain shared is pain bared. I don't think we're going to see the author.
Wow, I didn't notice that this was posted. I sent this in almost a month ago. I knew they got a little backed up in posting.
I guess I missed the mark with it. I was trying to convey a simple tale, nothing in depth, but just share what spouses go through after something as devestating as losing a loved one in combat happens
I'm not a short person, but thanks for the read and suggesstions. I will work on cutting it down a bit.
Thanks
The two words that bring us all together; "FADE IN"...