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Posted: December 26th, 2012, 2:07am
I wonder if the writer is around. I see that this has been posted by Don a couple of times and has not been touched.
I don't recognize the writer's name either.
If you can check in, I'll be happy to offer some detailed thoughts.
But I would like to comment on the first page to get the dialogue going.
Fade in: should be FADE IN:
Your first slug line needs work. You’ve got-
INT. MULTIPLE STRIP CLUB DRESSING ROOMS, EARLY 2000'S
This line denotes where a scene is taking place. You have to pick a place that this scene is going to happen in.
INT. GOLDEN LABIA STRIP CLUB – NIGHT
You use a SUPER to show a time. It doesn’t belong in the slug.
Your first ACTION line is where you spring off the script.
This is what you have-
CLOSE ON: Various body parts of three coeds (MOLLY, KRISTEN, JANE) are cut into a sexy, fun montage while they dress.
What does CLOSE ON: mean here?
That usually means a CLOSE UP of something. It sounds like you’re trying for multiple scenes in multiple locations but packing it all into a single sentence. You can’t do that.
Various body parts of three coeds…
It sounds like a start to a horror film with chopped up pieces of coeds.
How do we know they are coeds, BTW? Why do we care? See what I mean?
Then you introduce THREE key players with NO descriptions, or physical attributes what so ever. We need to know who these people are.
Then you say…
…are cut into a sexy, fun montage while they dress.
I honestly have no idea what you are talking about here my friend.
I have to be honest with you, this needs work. Not a few tweaks here and there kinda work, but a serious effort to apply your time and talent to find out what the basics in screenwriting are and then apply them.
But I want to encourage you. I wrote exactly like this on my first script. I’m not a whole lot better today but with every script I write, I learn something new that helps me with the next one.
Shawn touched on the weird CLOSE UP paragraph. I think MONTAGE: (subject matter) is what you're after but I'm not sure.
You're going from the dressing room to the stage so that would be a new slug.
There's a lot of action cluttered in this first page which, by appearance, looks exhausting. There's some talking that could go on such as when Kristen is seizuring on the patron, crying hysterically (pretty funny).
I think this scene has some potential to be funny and really set this script up but it kind of falls flat for me. Perhaps some dialogue between the three after their disasterous dance. Just a suggestion. Best of luck.