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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Procella - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Procella - 10/12 OWC  (currently 2506 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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Procella by Froli Bazooka - Short - The tempest is here, its wrath is universally damning.  Its origins are dark and mysterious.  Can it be stopped? - pdf, format


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kingcooky555
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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I liked the fact that this piece stuck to the limited parameters very well. One room location so it's low budget. The storms are there. One of them can control it.

Decent dialogue, but teethers on melodrama in the end. Good format. Overall, an okay entry.
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bert
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Certainly an interesting approach here, but it runs hot and cold.

The dialogue varies from powerful and evocative to over-the-top, and packed with exposition that works or does not work in equal measures.  And it is (a bit) of a weakness that dialogue is pretty much all this story has got.

Best line:  I wasn't mugging you.  I was murdering you.

In the end, I liked it for trying to say something more in its pages.  It is not a simple story.  Flawed, but an admirable effort that I would give a B+.


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M.Alexander
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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Wow.   The subject of God, drug addiction,  sin, and telekinetic weather control.   What's there not to love about this story?  Brilliant, beautiful and disturbing.

I give it a 9.8

A quick and effective read.  Very thought-provoking.  
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grademan
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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Micro budget:  Yes - almost no budget
Motel: Yes - beaten up
Supernatural: Yes - storm bringer
Choice: Kill to save thousands
Odd characters: Maybe. Circumstances were odd. People didn't act odd,
Hurricane: Procella means "storm. a tempest" in Latin. Nice.

Creative use of hurricane and supernatural requirements. I'd like to see the writer try this with action. Dialogue fav: "just another dead junkie in a motel"

GOOD

Revision History (1 edits)
grademan  -  October 20th, 2012, 11:02am
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greg
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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This was pretty good.  I couldn't really buy the fact that Spike was talking perfectly normal despite the fact that his stomach was pretty much ripped open, though.  I mean, yeah, he's got some powers and all but considering the scene I think his dialogue could have been a little more fragmented and/or to the point rather than bothering to explain everything in perfect sentence structure.

Met the requirements nicely and had a powerful story to tell.

Not much else to complain about.

A well done job overall.

Greg


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jwent6688
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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I like the idea of this one. How spike can create and control storms. It was super dialogue heavy, but I expect many of these will be.

I liked the choices they both made. Robert, not to kill Spike, and Spike finishing the job he started out to do.

Anyway, good effort. Definitely one of the better ones out there.

James


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alffy
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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This was okay.  Stuck to the requirements well but agree with Greg that Spike's dialogue didn't resemble a man who was seriously stabbed.

With this been such a heavy dialogue script, I think it could be stronger.  I liked the gritty opening but then it trails into the supernatural, and although I like it, I think thats were the dialogue suffers a bit.  Spike tries to kill Robert and yet he tries to help him, because he's a changed character...I don't buy it.  The name is great though.

Overall, I think this is good effort and a decent idea.


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DV44
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this script. Very cool idea about creating and controlling storms. Solid writing. Great job across the board. Congrats!
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Angry Bear
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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I thought you did well with this one. It is basically just dialogue though. If you can make it a little more interesting by adding some visually interesting things like showing emotions better, that would help a lot to enhance this script. You did follow the one-week challenge requirements.

Sorry if this was kind of short, but I did not have that many complaints about it other than what I mentioned above.  


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you, writer, thank you.

Easily the best of the first 10, IMO.

There's alot being said here and it's impressive that this was conceived in a week.  Do I understand it all?  No, I don't, but I think that's actually a good thing - like a movie you want to watch again, to  make sure you understood everything.  Will I read it again?  Probably not, but that's more due to some writing choices that I personally don't like to see...

...like...

All the CAPPED words.

The variety of punctuation used

The awkward lines

But, hey, it's an OWC, so no harm, no foul.

The downside here is probably as others mentoined, there's just too much dialogue, and it gives the feeling of this being longer than it is.

Overall, I like it, though.  Good job.  Very unique.  Some definite thouught went into this and it shows.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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crookedowl
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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This was very good. Easily the best I've read so far.

I didn't really get all of it, but I think it's better that way.

A lot of dialogue, though, but with the restrictions of the challenge I don't blame you.

Great job on this. Congrats on completing an OWC.
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DaveTroop
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on finishing the OWC!

This is certainly the stand out of the first batch of shorts.

Dialogue heavy?   Of course.  Two guys in a room talking, so...

The dialogue runs a tad too philosophical in parts.  

The formatting is excellent.  Grammar and spelling good.

Covers the restrictions, I mean rules, of the OWC!

Very good!!
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pale yellow
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty good for me. As mentioned before...the dialogue, even though I felt was carefully thought out...was over the top for me.

Good writing. Decent story. One of my top five so far.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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It was all right, I guess. The dialogue was more than I was hoping to have, but I can completely understand that because of the rules.

I agree with others that the dialogue is okay and not-so okay at times. Beyond that, there isn't a whole lot to talk about. Better than some others, but it had nothing that really grabbed me.

C+.


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