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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Isidro - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Isidro - 10/12 OWC  (currently 3128 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:47am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Isidro by Apothecary P. Romeo - Short - A documentary crew and a couple find shelter in a laundry room of an abandoned motel during a hurricane. But is a werewolf after them? Or is it something else? - pdf, format


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Gage
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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Well, color me confused.  I guess I have to attribute it to the found footage format, but I had a hard time following what was going on.  The writing itself, though, was a bit stilted for my taste.  Lines like "He pulls out the gun and a RAT around his hand. Blood pumps from the wound" confused me.  The rats, the dialogue, I dunno, man.  Not my cup of tea, sorry.


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LC
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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Yep, just comes off as a rush job with a few too many conflicting ideas imh.  Messy dialogue feels like you were under the gun for submission.

Good effort though. Premise had me intrigued.



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kingcooky555
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one. Extra points for making it found footage.

I liked the banter back and forth between ghosts versus werewolves.

Then punctuating everything with O.S. gore to keep in budget. Good work!
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jwent6688
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, i couldn't get into this one at all. Page 7 is way too late to give a description of Krys IMO. There was just nothing there to drive the story forward, my mind kept wandering. The werewolf, the spirits, the rats.

Good job completing an OWC.

James


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wonkavite
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Ultimately, I think this one could be polished into something good.  Two sets of strangers, with various theories as to "what the danger is outside."  Build up the tension, ease into the paranoia better - this could be really fun.

And I really liked the way it started.  The opening visuals of the hotel are very evocative.  And I especially liked the line "A different kind of thunder bams against the door." (Although, did you mean 'bangs'?)  Typos...always happen in OWCs!  

I did feel that the promise fell apart as the script progressed, though.  I found myself confused at the beginning, as to who was already in the hotel, and if the two couples had already met.  That's a quick description fix.  But then the discussion about their various supernatural theories...  IMO, you jump into it too quickly.  Two sets of strangers aren't going to immediately share thoughts like "there's a werewolf" or "no, it's demons!"...they've got to build up to that, be sure that 'talk like that' is acceptable before you get to that point.

Then, Ted and Ellen start making out and discuss sex tapes out of the blue?  Ack!  Out of character!  (Which I know was the idea, but it was still too jarring.)

So - to summarize - loved the initial setup, and I think this could be polished to something fun.  (And found footage is always a plus these days, esp. with micro budgets.)  But - it does need that polish to live up to it's potential!

Cheers,

Wonka (J)
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DaveTroop
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Maybe a contender for the WTF award.

Congrats for finishing the OWC!

The Found Footage genre would work well in this challenge IMO.  However, when you add another couple and some werewolves it gets a little confusing.

Why are they held up in the laudry room?  Is that where all the rats go in a hurricane?  I would think the kitchen.

One couple starts to make out in a laudry room full of rats with a documentary film crew in their face?  Now that's some kinky sex.

It could have been really good.  Still salvagable.  Just too many elements.

Good effort.  Thanks for playing.
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Angry Bear
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Page 1. I kind of like the different images you start out with. Not sure we need a narrator thoughÖ We will see. Maybe it is important to the story.

The images get a little trickier to understand on the 2nd half of the page. And I did not really understand what you meant with " back to the source of the camera and flood light".

Page 4. There's a lot of dialogue here and not much action. The last 3 pages all we have learned is that 2 people are documentary filmmakers and the other 2 had an accident with a car. We have also learned that there are werewolves, but that is it. I don't really see any conflict or drama going on. That makes this mostly exposition or idle chatter.

By the way, it is not illegal in Florida to have a gun or take it with you when you travelÖ

Page 8. " Ted goes over to his wife, makes out." That seems to me like a very odd thing to do. It does not fit in with what has already happened. In my opinion.

Who is Tim?

Okay, finished. This script wasn't really for me, sorry to say. It was mostly dialogue which in itself doesn't have to be a bad thing. However, in cases like that the dialogue has to be razor-sharp. It has to be intelligent, but most of all, it still has to have the drama/conflict and move a story forward. I did not feel the story did that. I did not count, but I know that the question was if the Wolf or werewolf came out numerous times. As did the answer " it wasn't a wolf". Lots of repetitive stuff. Your characters also do things that did not make sense to me. Your character's dialogue is also very very much the same. I could not tell by dialogue alone who was who and I had to look up and see who it actually was speaking.

I do not know why you chose to set this in a laundry room when in my opinion at least a motel room would have been a lot more interesting visually.

I would suggest changing the setting to a motel room. Sharpen up the dialogue and give your characters their own voice and characteristics.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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This is quite funny, but I doubt it's supposed to be.

The dialogue is quite funny, but I doubt it's supposed to be.

Love the making out and other such goings ons.

For some reason, you continually leave off the subject of your lines, making it impossible to know who is doing the action.

I should really just start quoting lines, as oppossed to giving any actual feedback, as my point would be much clearer, I think.

As a whacky comedy or pisser, this is pretty good, but if any of it is to be taken seriosly, it's a huge miss.  Sorry, but I don't know what else to even say.


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crookedowl
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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I found this very confusing, but I like the tone of this-- black and white photos, narration (which reminded me a bit of Texas Chainsaw Massacre at first) and then some shaky documentary footage.

I do think the writing itself could use some work, as you have some stilted and awkward sentences here. Try to make each sentence as natural as possible.

Even though it's found footage, I don't think it's necessary to mention camera angles. Just write the action as it happens.

Capitalize Ellen's name when she's intro'd.

This line (as well as some others) felt a bit on-the-nose:

TED
I'm Ted, my wife Ellen. Our car
broke down, accident. Rushed over
here -

I know you'd need some exposition due to the restrictions of the challenge, but I think it could be handled better than it was here.

Overall I like the idea. Some documentary filmmakers stumble onto a swamp wolf legend and creepy locals.

Like I said, I found this really confusing, but I don't really blame you if you were working against a deadline.

I think this will improve greatly with a rewrite. Congrats on finishing an OWC entry.
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greg
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Not much worked on this one.  Confusing, redundant, and difficult to read.  I assume this was supposed to be found footage?  Didn't really see the purpose.  Characters were all the same and the bleeping of curse words was like what?

Can't really say much more.  Didn't work for me at all, sorry.

Greg


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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I don't get it. There was a wolf, but then they were lying. Then, they were only lying in part but the wolf was real.

I don't know. This story was a mess, to be honest. As some said, it was highly redundant. The dialogue was a mess. The action lines, by the end, became incomprehensible.

So, I'd take a serious look at what you tried to do here and give it a real polish. Right now, it's near unreadable.

Best of luck.

F.


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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Apothecary P. Romeo,

Sorry, but I had lots of problems with this one, I agree with, Greg. This was a hard read and the bleepingÖ whatís that about? I actually had to read this twice and I hate doing that but this just went straight over my head on the first read. Itís just not clear and very complicated to follow, and the dialogue needs work.

I actually liked the opening with the narrator, itís different. Then things just went downhill for me and I blame it on the found footage techniqueÖ Characters were not capped on first intro, even though we were seeing them for the first time. And then when they were, Ted was capped but not Ellen?

Then we moved inside but were told that strong winds and rain were pulverising the ďexteriorĒ of the building. Huh? I think you moved the scene inside to early. And the floodlight being capped like it some meaning? If thatís the case, why didnít it get capped in the first place? The inconsistency wasnít helping me as you can tell, and Iím all for that when reading a script. There was also a typo (Tim) on page 8 which should have been Ted I believe.

Iím thinking this by a new member on the boards or a rushed last minute entry.

So letís move onto the story.

I have to be honest and Iím sorry about this because I hardly have the right because my own script isnít any good to say the least.

However, I donít really know what to say about the story, after two reads Iím still really confused by it. I think youíve muddled the dialogue up somewhere because it doesnít make sense to me. I get the ending about them being the wolves but this didnít work for me at all. Sorry.

Itís too long, cut it down and make the dialogue and characters more realistic.

Most importantly is to make the writing clearer, this reads so confusing and it really hurts the read.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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Brilliant idea of doing this as a found footage type of story. I'm sure I'll see another one in the batch somewhere. Seriously, this takes care of any budget problems...although the bleeped profanity seems out of place. Let's say this bit was real and aired on TV. Sure, they'd bleep out cuss words. But...

BUT...

1 - We get a little kink that comes off as a little wierd (but forced) and I think it tips the hand a little bit. When Ted (Tim?) takes the gun I almost expected him and Ellen to be something other than what they claimed, and, seeing how thier paranormal-supernatural was BS, (or so they say - was the werewolves- shadow demons one the same?)

2 - The carnage at the end. Body parts, blood.

See my point? The contradiction makes this read a little more corny than it should be. If this is who I think it is, you could have took no prisoners instead of holding me hostage.


I think FF scripts are really tricky to pull off effectively. Since it is a FF script, why isn't there an additional scene or two with Krys and Joe? You got a whole run down abandoned motel. You could have used an extra page...or less one, considering that the debate over "what" is out there aside from the hurricane itself could have been more to the point.

I agree with the others to a point - I don't think you're new but I do think a good chunk of the OWC was you burning midnight oil. I think with another update this will knock it out of the park. But not quite yet.

Good job entering the OWC


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irish eyes
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the found footage and the Narrator at the start... it gave it a different tone than I was expecting....
Storywise trapped in a laundry, back and forth figuring out the werewolf... Kinda weird and then you through a sex scene in there...Hey could happen

Well you kept under budget

Good job in finishing an OWC

Mark


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