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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Now Lie In It - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Now Lie In It - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4324 views)
Don
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Now Lie In It by Anonymous Catherine - Short - A couple struggles with a tough choice after making a bad deal with the devil. - pdf, format


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khamanna
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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You may have a very good idea but I found myself reading and reading and not knowing what it is about even when I was on page six. On page 7 the story started unfolding but slowly. I just wish you picked my interest earlier.

About the writing - its good but too many exclamation points) people seldom like too many.

Just get me on the hook earlier, on p1 not7 (or even . Otherwise good story.
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Gage
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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I may stand alone in this, but this has been my favorite so far.  The dialogue (while just a bit too profane) was a great blend of exposition, subtelty, and vagueness.  It left just enough to the imagination without leaving me completely confused.  Gabriel was a great character, and I love how you made him curse to give him a grounded image.  I don't quite see why Savannah had sex with the devil or why Jackson is putting up with all this, so you might wanna toy with those things after OWC, but as it is, I find this piece just brilliant.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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Normally I don't like stories that are told almost entirely through exposition,  but there's something about the atmosphere of this one that really grabbed me.

The story is very simple, but I thought you told it well and the ending was somewhat haunting.

Good stuff.
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nawazm11
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry but 95% of the whole story was just exposition. I really just wanted to get it over with because it kept dragging on and on. I felt some of the story should have focused more on how this happened and any solutions instead of 3 page long dialogue convos which only essentially reveal one thing.

This seems like it was written by a good writer, some solid prose here. I think if you're satisfied with the story at the moment, then keep it as it is but IMO it needs more action.

My grade: C+ but take that lightly.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Last one...I think.

So, we start off with complete male nudity and sexual intercourse going down - nice.

A used condom onscreen?  OK...

"an uncooked steak" - like a raw steak?  This raw steak is in the sink with the ice and all the alcohol Jackson is drinking, huh?  OK...

So, is Jackson just walking arond nude this whole time?  I take it we're going for the X rating here, huh?

I'm not enjoying these little asides at all, sorry to say.

I'm just amazed Jackson is going to be nude the entire script.  Wow...why the fuck isn't Savannah showing us any skin?  Not happy about that at all.

Page 7 - I actually really like Gabe's line here - "Was he good?  Did he make you cum?" - Well done here!

Well...you did have some positive things going on here, but it got a little old, a little fast with all the dialogue.  The problem for me is the ending, as it feels very anticlimatic.

It's a good effort in my book, but nowhere near some of the better ones.  My first recommendatoin is to put some fucking clothes on Jackson, and get Savannah's off.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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albinopenguin
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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^LULZ at Jeff's review. in all seriousness though...tits or GTFO.

for some reason, the opening reminded me of Office Space. Fully expected Jackson to make a mid-coital sip of his coffee just like Lumbergh.

so this is the first entry that i've read that i really liked. love the concept (although it could be executed better). it's dark and twisted. does it need to be explained? maybe, but keep it brief. there's several unanswered questions as to how and why. okay, mainly just how.

i was intrigued from the start. nice work.


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LC
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 12:37am Report to Moderator
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Starting with sex, I suppose gets people's attention.  Nothing wrong with that but they're a real disfunctional couple these two aren't they? And then we throw Gabriel into the mix...

Obviously, a 'deal with the devil' story this one, and while it's not bad - (there were vague reminders of Eraserhead while I was reading this) - it's not fantastic. I think if you're going to go surreal then you should push the envelope. As it is the ending is kinda a fizzer compared to the setup. Something in it though... just wished you'd been braver.

Good effort - would be interested to read a revamp.


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Ryan1
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 2:07am Report to Moderator
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This is the second satanic baby tale.  And I think I prefer this one to the other.  The script had a certain sleazy creepiness almost like some 70's grindhouse horror flick.

But I have to wonder, if you've got the spawn of Satan in your bathtub, and you've got some Ichabod Crane Grim Reaper-type guy due any minute to whack li'l Lucifer, is it really time to lay pipe?  I mean, Jackson knows ol' Scratch has been crushin' Savannah.  Would he really want any of that?  

I like how the mystery of what the baby-thing was is kept secret until the end.  Allows the imagination to fill in the gruesome details.

I think this script might have benefited from a couple extra pages.  Maybe to allow Savannah to recount her encounter with the Devil.  Must have been pretty horrifying.  But, I think this is a good start and solid work for a week.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 5:40am Report to Moderator
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Humm, different.

There do appear to be a few unanswered questions, which for some may not be an issue, but to me added to the confusion.

We have a dysfunctional couple, "something" in the bathroom and a dark "fixer" character who turns up. Like Ryan, the timing of event seems off, in terms of,  to borrow his phrase, laying pipe.  

Overlla the story was almost a parable of some elements of Soceity who don't take responsibility, blame others for their actions and just want the problem taken away. However, bringing in the man, as the person who proposes she sleep with the deveil, so he can write a book, on the one hand didn't realy make sense, but if we dig deeper it suggests he is complicit . Hence why a at the end, the "you reap what you sow finish".  Almost had as touch of drug dependency vibe with the interaction between them, the lack of logic/common sense etc

Seemed to tick the boxes of the challenge althought the storm doesn't seem to be much of a factor.

Not a read I enjoyed, but one that leaves you mulling things over. Well done.


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Eoin
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 6:17am Report to Moderator
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This tale was far too simple. The nudity and sex made have hinted and foreshadowed what was about to, no pun intended, cum, but it wasn't necessary to the story.

The solution to the 'dilemma' was far too neat and simple in the end. No angst, conflict or deliberation from Jackson or Savannah, save for melodramatic pauses.

While you understood the challenge and met the criteria, the central themes of the story need to be explored more.
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DV44
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this. Fast moving, written fairly well. It was simple yes, but effective. Nice job and congrats on the OWC.
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Leon
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one a lot. Kept me guessing.  

I think it needed more to the ending though. There was a lot of funny dialogue between the couple and they didn't seem like the type of couple to be particularly stung by the ending.  I felt they perhaps needed a more severe punishment.  He mentions an endless storm, wasn't sure if this was just metaphorical.


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ReneC
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Some good stuff in here, mostly bits of dialogue and little details like the bourbon in a baby bottle. Nice touch, that.

Overall, it's just annoying. Too much is deliberabley withheld to make the ending seem more like a twist. Talking around a subject over and over and over again grates on the nerves, especially when the payoff falls short. The ending was flat, no real emotion. Savannah's reaction isn't genuine, it's just the expected reaction of a mother facing giving up a child but it's forced.

The writing needs some work, mostly for grammar. Structure is there, at least.

Good attempt and it fits the challenge requirements.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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I think Rene hit it pretty square here.

There's potential but it's actually annoying the way everyone skirts around the core idea.  it is deliberately held from us and without a strong ending, it falls so flat.

The opening of the 2 banging and jackson walking around nude the whole just isn't the way to go, either.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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