The Evil Dead: Necronomicon Ex Mortis by Jason R. Harris - Short, Horror - Ash and his friends head out to a remote cabin in the woods so they can have a vacation for the weekend. But when they find an ancient book in the cabin cellar all hell goes loose. 24 pages - pdf, format

Hi Jason,

Had a quick look at this. Will wait to see if you're out on the boards before I leave all my feedback. The log-line needs a lot of work. From what I can see there's nothing particularly engaging about the plot.

As I said, I'll wait for you to show up on the boards, first.

Cheers,

Dan

Thanks for the feedback Dan,

I appreciate that you took some time to read my screenplay, and I'm absolutely sure you're right about everything you've said so far. However it took me forever to write but it is going to be made this summer. Again I appreciate that you looked over it, but I'm also a beginner and I'm also 13, so I know have a ton of things to work on so I can become a better screenwriter.

Again thanks,

Jason R. Harris

Jason,

First off, if you want reads, post feedback on some other scripts. Your writing skills will improve, also.

All right, since you're producing this yourself I won't go over some of the technical/formatting errors, since it's not like you're writing this to sell to anybody but yourself.

Still, there are a few minor issues you might want to consider for future scripts...

FADE IN: should be in caps. You don't need to call it "the woods" in your slugline. Just go with "woods." Same with "the cabin."

Your character introductions aren't right, but then again, you're the one shooting this. Instead of writing "two guys" with the names in parentheses, just write:

"ASH and SCOTTY, LINDA and CHERYL have bags on their backs..." You may even want to specify their ages.

Also, it's best not to introduce more than one character in each paragraph. It's not much of an issue here (since we already know the characters) but most of the time it's easy to confuse characters when they're all introduced at once.

"Linda steps in between them to make sure they don't regret any of their actions."

I get what you're saying here, but there's a more visual way of writing this. Right now-- saying "to make sure they don't regret anything"-- is telling, not showing. Remember, only write what appears on the screen. So instead you might want to write something about her holding her hands up, pushing Ash back, etc. You did the same thing with "Cheryl notices something's up with Scotty." Show, don't tell.

All right, so technical details out of the way... Let's look at the rest of the script-- the parts we'll actual see on the screen.

Your first line of dialogue is way too on the nose. Scotty's line isn't very realistic at all, and it's obvious it's just there to give the audience information. I've found it's best when revising your work to picture each line of dialogue on screen, and ask yourself... Does this look corny? Is there a better way to write this?

Your next line is also on the nose-- "I can't understand why though! I took it in for a tune up yesterday."

24 pages is a bit long for a short. There's not much of a market for 20+ minute shorts, especially when they're unauthorized adaptions. I'm not saying not to make a 20 minute short (hell, I shot a 30 minute short in June) but I think there are something that can be cut/shortened in here.

Your opening scene serves virtually no purpose. All you do is introduce characters and tell us their car broke down. Could this scene be cut? Maybe you could start with them getting to the cabin.

Maybe have an ominous scene before they arrive...like a guy runs out of the cabin one night, screaming. Something's behind him. He trips, and on the ground he turns, and-- Then cut to a shot of the woods a few days later. We see the characters emerge from the woods, and enter the cabin... then we see some bones lying on the forest floor. Just a thought. Just don't stray too far into cliche territory and you'll be fine.

When you're making a short, it's important to make sure you're always engaging the audience. Is the scene slow? Is it interesting? Will people get distracted and watch a different video before you've even gotten to the first kill? Start with a bang, keep the fun coming.

As it is, you've got about 5+ pages of just banter. On film, that's five minutes, and for a short... Like I said, you don't want to bore anyone.

Anyway, pages of banter can get old fast, so if you're going to do it, make sure it's engaging. Personally, while I don't have a problem with language, but the characters almost constantly insulting each other gets tiring fast. Especially 5 pages of it.

All right, so my review went on a little long but I hope you find this helpful. Good luck with filming.

Will

Thanks so much for the feedback! I know that there are probably more errors than there are thoughts in my head, however it was incredibly fun to write. One error that you listed was editing/cutting the script. Considering I actually do not own the basic storyline and characters there's not much I can do about that. However since I basically have all the cast and they have worked with my screenplays before, they know exactly what to do so they shouldn't become that confused with the formatting. And about the profanity, I knew that when it was finished that some people would have a problem with the cursing. And to be honest some of the actors aren't even aloud to cuss, so when I usually make a video/movie of some sort I usually allow them to wander off on their own a little bit if things get a little over the top, that is if they give me what I want, in other words, stick somewhat loosely to the script. Again thanks for responding because I'm assigned to write a few more of these.

Jason R. Harris

Jason welcome to the boards! Its great to see another teenage writer around (I'm 15). I will have another look at this as I feel my feedback was a littke thin. Guess I'm no longer the youngest around here. Keep writing mate. The people here are great and incredibly helpful.

P.s. Sorry about the spelling. I'm writing this on my phone and I can hardly see stuff.

Quoted from Jason R. Harris Please leave your comments below on what you thought of the script! Jason R. Harris

Jason, I'm afraid you probably won't get many reviews on your screenplay until you start reviewing the work of others. That's how it works here. You review scripts that other members have posted and they will more likely feel obliged to return the favour. You give and take... Not just take

Dan

Oh ok, I didn't know that. Thanks for the help!

No problem Jason. If you're struggling with finding your way around, just send a PM or two. Everybody will be willing to help.

ok, thanks again!