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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Going Down Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Going Down by Reginald McGhee (reggie) - Short, Drama, Comedy - A man faces death. - pdf, format


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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done! I wish we had a final shot of Becky's face but other than that, very good job.
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danbotha
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Reg,

Recognised the name from MoviePoet. Good to see you contributing and getting into the SS spirit as well. Welcome You'll find this site awesome to get some top-notch feedback. The cool thing is, you don't have people working with time pressure, so reviews are generally a lot more detailed.

I have to admit when I opened this one up, I was a little cautious with that log-line. It's not very often when you read a log-line of only four words and expect it to be any good. I was pleasantly surprised with this. For what it is, it's quite a good wee screenplay. Well written and amusing.

Good job,

Dan


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Chris Ramos
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Good writing, keep up the good work. I would like to see the wife's expression too.


Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.

-- Frank A. Clark


Read Me
Please...  
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DV44
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Short and sweet, nicely written. Good job! I agree with the others, would've loved to see Becky's expression. -Dirk
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Alex_212
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Reggie,

Had a read and was quiet suprised at the length, I don't think I have ever seen a short thats half a page.

I also feel the logline could be a bit more interesting rather than just "A man faces death".

I thought when reading the second line that he was bungie jumping so I feel more information and a slightly longer screenplay may have built up the emotions of Alex and the feel of the tensions prior to jumping.

Found a few bits that I though could have been done differently in order to make it flow better for example:-

"ALEX (20s) stands. A drop of sweat rolls down his face".
I would prefer "As ALEX (20s) stands, a drop of sweat rolls down his face".
Flows better.

"Then he slows. A thick elastic cord on a harness stops him by
a dozen feet from the ground". This reads awkward maybe reword????
"He slows as a thick elastic cord stretches to ten feet from the ground"

Sunlight sparkles Becky's ring. Sounds awkward maybe.....
Sunlight reflects off Becky's ring.

Of course it was a quick read though as mentioned I would have like to feel more tension and emotions from Alex prior to the jump.

It's a fun script and enjoyable to read. Keep at it.

Regards Alex


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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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I thought Reginald might've written this for one of the one pager contests over at MoviePoet but I see he had not.

I know it's only a page, but there's not much of an arc. It's more of a joke, but on the audience.

I did enjoy it though.
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khamanna
Posted: November 28th, 2012, 2:36am Report to Moderator
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Hi Reginald,

So you rewrote it? I remember this one on MP. Nice job - the script is good, simple and to the point and the rewrite is just awesome!
I see her being cruel, making him jump just for the honeymoon money, so great pay off there! Good luck to you, Reginald.
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kingcooky555
Posted: November 28th, 2012, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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I think I've seen this on MP.

It's good for a one-pager. The page is nice and neat. Easy enough to film. Good job!
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 28th, 2012, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Reginald,

Welcome to the chaos of SS.
We're a Quid Pro Quo style tribe of screenwriting misfits.
Looking forward to seeing your take on active members work here.

This is a cute joke well told.
But lack that final payoff.

You know the one...
Becky spews soda when she hears the good news!

Regards,
E.D.


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crookedowl
Posted: November 28th, 2012, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Reggie,

This was good, well written. I don't really have any complaints... kinda hard to critique a one-pager. I would also like to see Becky's reaction, but that's kinda been covered already. Good job.
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Reggie
Posted: November 28th, 2012, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hi everyone. Thanks for the cool comments and for posting this. I think I had fun writing this as an exercise. And I look forward in still learning how to write good screenplays. I think these comments are helpful and I sure look forward in reading other screenplays here.
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SteveUK
Posted: November 29th, 2012, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Hey Reggie,  this was short and sweet! More of a joke than a short, but I enjoyed it. The only problems I picked up on have all been mentioned above, especially the end - you should definitely consider showing Becky's reaction as a final payoff.
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