Pages: 1 |
Author |
Going Down (currently 1325 views) |
Don |
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 6:50pm |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Going Down by Reginald McGhee (reggie) - Short, Drama, Comedy - A man faces death. - pdf, format |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
|
|
|
ABennettWriter |
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 7:25pm |
|
|
Been Around
LocationSan Francisco, CA Posts864 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
Nicely done! I wish we had a final shot of Becky's face but other than that, very good job. |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 12 |
|
|
danbotha |
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 8:16pm |
|
|
Been Around
LocationWellington, New Zealand Posts700 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Hey Reg, Recognised the name from MoviePoet. Good to see you contributing and getting into the SS spirit as well. Welcome You'll find this site awesome to get some top-notch feedback. The cool thing is, you don't have people working with time pressure, so reviews are generally a lot more detailed. I have to admit when I opened this one up, I was a little cautious with that log-line. It's not very often when you read a log-line of only four words and expect it to be any good. I was pleasantly surprised with this. For what it is, it's quite a good wee screenplay. Well written and amusing. Good job, Dan |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 12 |
|
|
Chris Ramos |
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 9:15pm |
|
|
New Writers are good liars with great memories.
LocationUnited States Posts38 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Good writing, keep up the good work. I would like to see the wife's expression too. |
| Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.
-- Frank A. Clark
Read Me Please... |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 12 |
|
|
DV44 |
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 10:33pm |
|
|
Been Around
LocationCalifornia Posts510 Posts Per Day 0.12 |
Short and sweet, nicely written. Good job! I agree with the others, would've loved to see Becky's expression. -Dirk |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 12 |
|
|
Alex_212 |
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 11:01pm |
|
|
New Dog Eat Dog
LocationUtopia DownUnder Posts491 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
Hey Reggie,
Had a read and was quiet suprised at the length, I don't think I have ever seen a short thats half a page.
I also feel the logline could be a bit more interesting rather than just "A man faces death".
I thought when reading the second line that he was bungie jumping so I feel more information and a slightly longer screenplay may have built up the emotions of Alex and the feel of the tensions prior to jumping.
Found a few bits that I though could have been done differently in order to make it flow better for example:-
"ALEX (20s) stands. A drop of sweat rolls down his face". I would prefer "As ALEX (20s) stands, a drop of sweat rolls down his face". Flows better.
"Then he slows. A thick elastic cord on a harness stops him by a dozen feet from the ground". This reads awkward maybe reword???? "He slows as a thick elastic cord stretches to ten feet from the ground"
Sunlight sparkles Becky's ring. Sounds awkward maybe..... Sunlight reflects off Becky's ring.
Of course it was a quick read though as mentioned I would have like to feel more tension and emotions from Alex prior to the jump.
It's a fun script and enjoyable to read. Keep at it.
Regards Alex |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 12 |
|
|
ABennettWriter |
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 11:14pm |
|
|
Been Around
LocationSan Francisco, CA Posts864 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
I thought Reginald might've written this for one of the one pager contests over at MoviePoet but I see he had not.
I know it's only a page, but there's not much of an arc. It's more of a joke, but on the audience.
I did enjoy it though. |
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 12 |
|
|
khamanna |
Posted: November 28th, 2012, 2:36am |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Hi Reginald,
So you rewrote it? I remember this one on MP. Nice job - the script is good, simple and to the point and the rewrite is just awesome! I see her being cruel, making him jump just for the honeymoon money, so great pay off there! Good luck to you, Reginald. |
|
|
|
Reply: 7 - 12 |
|
|
kingcooky555 |
Posted: November 28th, 2012, 10:09am |
|
|
New
LocationNew York Posts221 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
I think I've seen this on MP.
It's good for a one-pager. The page is nice and neat. Easy enough to film. Good job! |
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 12 |
|
|
Electric Dreamer |
Posted: November 28th, 2012, 11:54am |
|
|
Old Timer Taking a long vacation from the holidays.
LocationLos Angeles Posts2740 Posts Per Day 0.55 |
Reginald, Welcome to the chaos of SS. We're a Quid Pro Quo style tribe of screenwriting misfits. Looking forward to seeing your take on active members work here. This is a cute joke well told. But lack that final payoff. You know the one... Becky spews soda when she hears the good news! Regards, E.D. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 12 |
|
|
crookedowl |
Posted: November 28th, 2012, 4:42pm |
|
|
Guest User
|
Reggie,
This was good, well written. I don't really have any complaints... kinda hard to critique a one-pager. I would also like to see Becky's reaction, but that's kinda been covered already. Good job. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 12 |
|
|
Reggie |
Posted: November 28th, 2012, 6:17pm |
|
|
Posts12 Posts Per Day 0.00 |
Hi everyone. Thanks for the cool comments and for posting this. I think I had fun writing this as an exercise. And I look forward in still learning how to write good screenplays. I think these comments are helpful and I sure look forward in reading other screenplays here. |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 12 |
|
|
SteveUK |
Posted: November 29th, 2012, 9:59am |
|
|
New
LocationUK Posts201 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
Hey Reggie, this was short and sweet! More of a joke than a short, but I enjoyed it. The only problems I picked up on have all been mentioned above, especially the end - you should definitely consider showing Becky's reaction as a final payoff. |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 12 |
|
Pages: 1 |