Marvin and Me by Steve Miles - Short, Drama - Haunted by his past, a man sets out to keep his word. 7 pages - pdf, format

Hey Steve,

I noticed a couple minor typos such as when the T.V. announcer asks Fancy to tell them about her "fella", you should use a question mark instead of a period. Also, when he first introduces her, it should read "Let's welcome to the stage: Fancy!"

I'm not so sure you need the "Moments later" when he sits on the bench. He's already next to the bench so why not just say that he sits?

I'm fairly new to this so I was able to pick up a couple formatting techniques that you used as far as when he reads the photograph. I've been wanting to use those types of descriptions but am too amateur to know the proper way of writing it so I'm glad this was able to help. That being said, after you introduce the grayed hair man, is it necessary to write it as though his name is "Gray Haired Man" or can it just be "gray haired man"? Honest question but for some reason I tend to think that it should have been the latter. I could be very wrong though.

You did well with the descriptions of the settings and characters. It made it easy to visualize it playing out. All in all, I really enjoyed this.

Good job!

Hey Steve,

Suffice to say that I jumped straight into this one because I owe you a few reads after some very insightful feedback on my own work.

It’s a solid read no doubt, but if I’m totally honest with you, the story didn't do a lot for me and I found it rather flat overall. I think this more on the side of taste and this just isn't to mine.

That’s not to say there isn't anything here that shouldn't be appreciated. Melvin is a good character, worn down by his past in which he lost the woman he loved and made a promise which has burdened him.

He wasn't for whatever reason good to Georgina and she found something better in the player that is Anthony Swallow who didn't treat her good and probably cheated given the nice hint on his T.V show of “liars, cheaters, affairs”

And obviously the scene under the bridge where Melvin, following Georgina's passing was able to fulfill his desire to extract some kind of revenge.

I also liked Swallow's nonchalant attitude here which was befitting of this character.

I thought the opening and ending scenes with the T.V and wife lounging in the living room were nice, gave the whole proceedings a downcast perspective that these people wasn't quite happy with their lives. In fact, even through all this depression, I couldn't help but think of the Royle Family while reading that opening page – the T.V being broadcast though the house.

The writing is good and assured, although some picky peeps could call out some missing comma’s flying around but you know the craft and what you’re doing. I was a tad puzzled to why you didn't just reveal Swallow instead of calling him Grey Haired Man? I mean, hadn't we already been intro'd to him on the T.V unless it was for a surprise effect? Felt unnecessary is all.

It’s a nice little story and well written but I wasn't overwhelmed. In saying that, I wouldn't be surprised if this was picked up and filmed.

Nice work.

Steve

Hey Steve

I like your style of writing. Sometimes I think the descriptions are a little embellished for my liking but you set a good tone.

This story is one I would describe as having "muted colours", a life eroded my time, weathered by the world, storing up a past which bursts out. All nicely played.

However, I didn't understand how it finished. I think we have to assume a fair amount which is isn't on the paper, so be careful otherwise at the end the reader doesn't know why. For example, we have nothing to connect to swallow so we have assume that Marvin is there for a reason, but it is never explained. They shared a dear friend is stated, so maybe swallow was the better offer, and Marvin hated him for that. I have to guess and for this style of story i would rather not guess. Yet, because of the way you set up Marvin, I don't feel much sympathy .

Small niggle, you start in the kitchen, then to the lounge then back to the kitchen where Marvin  sits, yet we didn't see him in the first scene. I would only do that if there was an important reason to so which I don't think there was.

One other thing, I didnt fully understand the initial description of Marvin  with "the thing he has, and the thing he hasn't etc. what was I missing?

Otherwise nice work, needs a few tweaks for me, but you have a nice style of writing that stands out.

Cheers

I'm with RD. I didn't totally understand the connection between Marvin, Swallow, and Georgina. Apparently, it's some sort of love triangle, but I think we need more to go on. Did Swallow out Marvin on the TV show? Did Swallow come between Marvin and Georgina, juxtaposing that against the TV show he hosts? It's not clear and it seems like it should be. I get the idea of letting readers/viewers fill in the blanks, but as your fellow writers, we kinda need to know that you're doing this intentionally, so we can know if you're doing it right or not.

The pacing needs a bit more help. There's no urgency propelling the story forward. The only thing that keeps us going is the envelope and there's not much importance placed on that. It's the only revelation that could possibly make the eventual payoff worthwhile.

When the matron gives it to Marvin and he's just indifferent to it. Okay, so he's not Mr Emotion. But this seems like one of the few times that would make him crack.

His walk on the trail isn't necessary. It slows down the story and doesn't add anything to it. Marvin could just go out into the hallway at Hospice and open the envelope. We'd get the same info and the story would end the same way, just quicker.

The Hospice is your Call to Adventure. It yanks Marvin out of his Ordinary World and sets him on a quest. However, you need to build up that quest. An unopened envelope isn't enough. Build up the mystery. Have the matron or a dying Georgina place more importance on it, and also drag Swallow's name into it. Up to that point, he was just a face on a TV in the background. It'd be pretty weird if he somehow became involved. That way, when Marvin stalks/confronts him, we're on the edge of our seat, wanting to know how he's involved. When the final confrontation does occur, you should play around with the audience's expectations a little. I suppose that most of us already figure he had a fling with Georgina, but does that have to be the true story? Why not insinuate that, but reveal that Marvin actually came between Georgina and Swallow? Then, when you go back to the TV show, paint Swallow as a tragic figure, who does that show as part of his cause and a means of both therapy and reliving his pain.

Just a [long-ass] thought.

Thanks guys for taking the time to read and comment, always appreciated.

Mehdoh, The Grey Haired Man was a moniker I used in place of a name so I assumed it would be caps -- I’ll look into that one. Although now I’m not so sure it’s necessary at all.

Steve, thanks for laying out the story as you saw it, it’s always useful to see how these things come across to others. A couple of other posts have mentioned the pace here. I was aiming for more of a slow burn/subtler approach which I can understand might come off as flat. Going to try to up the pace/stakes here somewhat on a re-write.    
  
I initially used the Grey Haired Man to save Swallow’s reveal (outside of the the TV) until the bar. In hindsight I can see this needs clarification for the reader if not for an audience. I’ll re-work that.

Bill, thanks for the insightful feedback.

Yes, Swallow was the better offer and Marvin’s been biding his time ever since to take his revenge.  The first few drafts ended up with a lot more dialogue between them that mostly served as exposition. In the end I opted for the bare minimum I thought could get the story across.  Dan and yourself make a good point that it could use a little something more to tie Swallow to Marvin and in turn Georgina.

The opening kitchen scene needs to be re-worked -- the visuals are misleading there.  

As to Marvin’s character description it was in the ‘worldly despair’. In so much as he’s known plenty of despair and seen little of the world. It was initially a note I made when writing an outline, but I kind of liked it so I used it as his character intro. I’m half expecting to get my arse kicked for that one...

Dan, certainly some food for thought.  I think the comments here have shown a need to clarify the backstory and connection between the characters. I agree there could be more tension/urgency to this.  This one's been sitting around for a while so I'm glad to finally put it out there.  

Thanks again. Feel free to PM me if there’s anything I can read in return.

Steve.