A Simple Job by Albert Banduka - Short - Three friends decide to rob a handful of jewelry which was being transported on a armored truck. Things become complicated when one of them decides to double cross the others. 10 pages - pdf, format

Albert,

First off, you're not dealing with the most original premise. A gang of robbers, one of them secretly planning to double cross them. It's been done. I suggest looking for a unique take on the story, something you can call your own.

FADE IN: goes to the left.

Lots of issues with the writing, sorry to say. A lot of times you're telling and not showing. How do we know he lives in the apartment with his friend? You tell us that in the first paragraph, yet on film, all we see is a guy sitting there.

Remember, show, don't tell. Only write what appears on the screen.

There are also some typos. You missed some spaces after your commas, plus you said "eat" instead of "eats."

Both of your characters have somewhat similar names, which can make it hard not to confuse them. It doesn't help that they're both introduced in the same paragraph.

Parentheticals don't go after the dialogue. They can go before, it between lines, but never at the end. Just write it as a normal action paragraph.

There's a major lack of conflict here. "Hey, man." "'sup." "Are you doing anything tomorrow?" "No, why?" Basically you can skip all the "heys" and go straight into the interesting parts. Start your scene as late as possible. And add conflict...watching two guys who always agree with each other isn't that interesting.

Some more typos in the dialogue... not to mention some of it ("You didn’t get any phone call from your previous work place?") sound on-the-nose and is not lifelike.

And just like that, the scene ends with "okay." You should also end your scenes as early as possible, rather than letting them trail off to "okay, bye."

Make sure your scenes are interesting. Add conflict. Add problems. Anything to keep it from getting to "hi, how are you doing?"

Hope this helps.

Will

Er.. it did feel flavorless. I stopped reading half-way through, sorry. The layout and format seems tight enough and I don't think there's anything wrong with a by-the-numbers heist movie, if you deliver it with enough style. But this felt very dry, very ... empty.

If I recommended one thing it would be to let go a bit of your writing. Take a few risks with the dialogue to inject some snap and fizz. Get each character distinct, and distinctly motivated. Flesh em out as people, and their unique voices will come more naturally. Maybe think of three friends and try and write it as though they were speaking.

I'll read the redraft with interest though. Good luck.