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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Mistaken Identity Moderators: bert
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  Author    Mistaken Identity  (currently 6503 views)
Don
Posted: December 19th, 2012, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mistaken Identity by Dirk Visser (dv44) - Short, Comedy - A man is put into an uncomfortable situation.  12 pages - pdf, format


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DV44
Posted: December 19th, 2012, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Don for posting the script. And thanks to anyone who takes the time to read the script. Comedy is not normally my thing but I decided to try something different to see if it would work. - Dirk

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DV44  -  December 19th, 2012, 7:34pm
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: December 19th, 2012, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Dirk...

About a year or so ago, I remember someone submitting a short  similar to yours, and it was pretty funny.   I applaud your attempted stabs at humor with this piece... good to see you took this one in a slightly different direction... having said that, I didn't see HIM coming... and I should have, especially when Kirsta walked in from the back door.  Oh well.

The set-up was all right.  I thought the handcuffs, well interesting.  In the grand scheme of things, they work here, but...

"CON'D"  in your slug,  Personally I wouldn't do it.  There's a much better way to do that.  Second, a couple of your mini slugs, technically there's nothing wrong with them, but...

Page 4,  EXT.  KEVIN'S HOUSE - DRIVE WAY - DAY

CAR

Me,  I probably would have went this route " Kevin pops the trunk, grabs a bag out of his car, ect... and get rid of that mini slug.   But that's just me.

Fast read.  Nothing groundbreaking, but entertaining.  You got a few chuckles out of me.

Double check some of the grammer.  I'll have a second go through later, I hate missing things.

Ghostie


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danbotha
Posted: December 19th, 2012, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dirk,

As per your request I've had a read of this. I see no problem with reviewing the work from fellow regulars. I think you've got a decent idea going. I saw where it was going from the moment they lost the cat, but it was still an amusing little read.

However, there are a few minor things that I think could need some attention. For starters, the formatting has a number of issues, which I think may be because of the screenwriting software that you are using. I don't think the issues are your fault. For example, on a number of occasions, you have a slug at the end of a page, but then on the next page you have the action paragraph. Typically, this is a big no-no and it may be an indicator that your software settings may not be correct. As well as that, the odd parenthetical that you did use, was not alligned correctly. Again, check your software. I'm not sure of the exact measurements, but there will be a way of finding out. Maybe I'm just being a little too picky, but it does stand out to me.

I'm not the biggest fan of the logline, either. I think you could probably add a little more to it, to make the idea seem a little more intriguing. Try something along the lines of this.

"A man puts himself in an uncomfortable situation when he becomes the prime target of a TV show aimed at catching sex predators."

That, for me makes the idea a little more intriguing AND makes me want to read it as opposed to your original logline.

Just a wee personal thing, but I wasn't a big fan of your lack of action. By "action" I mean that you seemed to spend a lot of time on the dialogue but you never really describe what's actually happening. Don't get me wrong, most of your dialogue serves a purpose and it's generally quite funny, but I'd like to see you capitalize on that a little with your use of action paragraphs as well.

I'd cut down on that opening scene. Most of it forshadows what's to come later in the script, which isn't actually a bad thing. However, there are a few lines that you don't really need. It's quite long as it is, so you need to cut down as much as you can.

Other than those minor things, I actually quite liked this one. You've got yourself a nice little idea here and that's quite rare with comedy. Just take a look at your screenwriting software and find out what the issue is. Fix up that logline before Don posts it on the main website and I think this one might get filmed.

Cheers,

Dan


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DV44
Posted: December 19th, 2012, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Ghostwriter for the read. The handcuffs were part of the bag of goodies that Kevin brought in. Strawberries, handcuffs and beer. I agree my formatting needs work, still trying to learn the process.  Thanks again.
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DV44
Posted: December 19th, 2012, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan,

Thanks for the read. I'm glad you liked it. Comedy is really not my thing but I had to try it since it popped into my head. As for the formatting, I'm not using anything but document when I write so maybe I'll get smart one day and use Celtex or something to help with the writing.

I agree that the logline could be expanded but I didn't want reveil that much of the story so I kept it short.

The action lines were hit and miss with me. I kept them short to help the dialogue flow much quicker but maybe I should expand the lines a bit as well.

Thanks again Dan- much appreciated.  

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DV44  -  December 20th, 2012, 12:29pm
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DanBall
Posted: December 20th, 2012, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Hey, finally got around to reading it. Sorry, but I couldn't get into it, man. It just didn't seem believable to me. Although, I suppose the idea still works. It just needs some work.

For one thing, the dialogue didn't really sell me. The first conversation with Susan and Kevin took me out of it. Seemed very OTN and drawn out. All you really need to do is establish that the cat's name is Little Girl and there's been some activity at an empty house across the street. Maybe the family just got back from the store, they pull into the garage, get the bags out, then open the door to the house and the cat gets out. In passing, Kevin says, "Why did she have to name that thing 'Little Girl'?" Then he hands off the bags to his wife, chases the cat into the sting house, and then hilarity ensues. I know it takes out the bit about the lingerie and the bag of goodies that he's caught with, but I think the Little Girl bit is enough to sell it.

As for the Chris Hansen bit, that's going to be tough because you have to get Chris Hansen to do it and probably NBC's permission to use him and the name. Better off doing a generic version and find ways to exaggerate and mock the original. Bigger hair, more orange skin, a pushier personality. OR make it a female reporter who's a parody of Nancy Grace who starts blowing Kevin's presence all out of proportion, turning it into a social issue and sensationalizing it for the cameras. When the cops have him in cuffs, she could come up and kick him in the crotch for good measure and the cops let it happen.

A friend of mine took some classes at Second City and lately, he's been teaching me some of the stuff he learned about writing skits/sketches. It's super helpful, even if you're not writing comedy or humor. It's a good way to handle how you manipulate an audience.

When you're designing a comical character, you need to figure out their comic perspective. That comes from how the character sees themselves vs. how the rest of the world sees them. An example would be Wile E. Coyote. He thinks he's clever enough to get the Road Runner, but he constantly fails...miserably. AND he thinks he's getting better at it, but it seems like he gets worse. That's comic perspective. With Kevin, instead of being a smart-aleck, maybe he's just super naive and trusting and gullible? He thinks the world's a good place with the exception of a few nuts and he tries to be a good neighbor.

After that, you need to develop flaws and humanity in the character, which kinda go hand-in-hand with each other. Flaws are meant to alienate the character from the audience. With Kevin, the flaw of his perspective could be that he tries to go too far in being a good neighbor or he's just way too unsuspecting of what's going on in the house and the whole premise of "To Catch a Predator". It's something that you and I and nobody we know would believe or do, just because it's so ridiculous. But, on the flip side of that, you need to bring it back in and make them do or believe something that we really do agree with. Like maybe Kevin believes good neighbors make the world a better place or he really wants to get over himself and actually help people.

After that, you exaggerate the comic perspective and the flaws throughout your story. Also, you need to create foil characters who have the opposite comic perspective and create tension for the character in achieving their goal. If you make Kevin the good neighbor, make Nancy Grace the neighbor you'd never ever want to have because of her misanthropic personality and belief system. Kevin sees lots of good in the world, she sees nothing but evil. And she thinks she's doing the world a service by cleaning it up...even though she's got the wrong man. So there's her CP, too.

Think about this. If you want me to send you the notes I got from my friend, let me know and I'll PM you.


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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DV44
Posted: December 20th, 2012, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan,

I appreciate you taking the time to read the script so thank you for that. Comedy is not really my thing but the story popped into my head a couple weeks back so I decided to take a stab at writing it. As far as the dialogue being OTN, can you give me an example, only because I'm trying my best to make sure I don't do that but maybe you could point something out to me.

Looking back I know for a fact that I didn't do that great of a job with the development of Kevin's character. I guess I was just going for laughs with the story as opposed to working on the overall structure of the characters involved.

Writing is tough for sure but I'm having a blast learning the process.

Thanks again Dan!  

Revision History (1 edits)
DV44  -  December 20th, 2012, 12:27pm
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alffy
Posted: December 20th, 2012, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dirk

I'm going to say this straight of the  bat and say I liked this.  I thought it was pretty funny, a bit stupid but funny.

The opening scene was a bit odd for me though.  The whole convict thing was strange but I get that it leads to the family not being a real family.  I think it might have helped had we seen the view from the window.  I liked the pay off but the set up was a bit flawed.  The banter between Kevin and Susan about Ali was a bit forced, as it was the catalyst for the story I get why it was there though.

Seems Dan above gave you a good in depth review on characters and the like so I'll leave it there but I will finish by saying again as a quick read, it was funny.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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DV44
Posted: December 20th, 2012, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Alffy,

Yeah, there's things to work on in the script for sure. Here's the thing, I've got a weird sense of humor when it comes to comedy + I'm a bit of a smart a** too so the opening scene was funny to me but looking back on it I agree with everyone that the beginning was a little too long. Maybe I should have gotten straight to the point about the cat and cut back the banter between Susan and Kevin to a degree.

I'm glad you found the story funny. As you know, comedy is hit and miss. What I view funny others may hate and vice versa but thanks again for the kind words.

Cheers!
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Oney.Mendoza
Posted: December 20th, 2012, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dirk,

This was a quick, amusing read for me. You stated that comedy isn't normally your thing...couldn't really tell. It's overly silly but hey it's also a comedy and I LOL'd quite a bit. I don't know why but the line about Ali calling her banana Mr. Giggles before she eats it...

My only real complaints have been mentioned already... I didn't really like your usage of the mini slugs and I didn't care for the CONT'D in your slugs either. But, to each his own.

Pg. 9 - I think you meant "frightened"? No biggy

Fun, easy read.

ONEY


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DV44
Posted: December 20th, 2012, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Oney,

I appreciate you taking the time to read the script. I'm glad you found the line about Mr. Giggles funny. Never know how people are going to take your sense of humor but happy to hear that you liked it.

As for the script, I need to make some changes to it. Do a better job developing the characters. I see that you have a new script out so I'll take a look at it.

Thanks again Oney!  
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crookedowl
Posted: December 20th, 2012, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Dirk,

I also remember reading a script around here similar to this. This one was quite funny, but I think the execution could use some work. A lot of stuff here was very convenient-- the cat's name, Kevin's errand, etc.

I kinda saw where this way going when Chris showed up, but it was funny nevertheless.

To me, this read more like a comedy skit, so at 12 pages it's a bit long, IMO.

Pg. 4: should be "under his breath" not "breathe".

Overall I enjoyed this. Good job.

Will
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DV44
Posted: December 20th, 2012, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Will,

Thanks for the read. Yeah the execution wasn't the greatest, I need to go back and change a few things. I'm glad you found it funny. I was bit nervous when I posted the script, as I posted above, you never know if the reader will find your sense of humor funny or not.

Thanks again Will and let me know if I can return the favor and read something of yours.  
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Toby_E
Posted: December 20th, 2012, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dirk,

I'm notoriously hard to please in regards to comedy, but I liked this.

Unbelievable? Sure. But some of the best comedies are. I don't watch comedy for a realistic representation of the world. I watch them to laugh. Something I would do if this was ever made.

Not really too much else for me to say, as everything I had comments regarding has already been mentioned, ie, the slightly weird formatting, the use of Chris Hansen (love the idea to use a fictional, more over-the-top version of him, that was mentioned), etc.

Only suggestion I would say would be to up the joke count early. I didn't really start laughing until page 6, onwards. Regardless of whether your writing a comedy feature or short, you have to grab me straight away. I want a decent chuckle within the first 1 or 2 pages, at least a handful by the time we get to page 6.

Good read nonetheless.

Toby.


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