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You've got some pretty big blocks of action to start with. You'll want to keep them to four lines or less and looking through it, there are a few details that could be cut out. The jackass show, feeding the dog. I think combining the first block with the shattering glass then jumping to the first dialogue would work out.
The O.C. would go up with the FATHER and using exclamation points would save you a line. The slugs are incorrect. Since this entire scene is being shot continuously, You can just write HALLWAY and KIMMY'S ROOM in place of the slugs.
I agree with John-- you need to shorten these paragraphs. Your writing itself is solid, if overwritten in places. You can leave out things like "as she's walking through the house" and "meanwhile", as they only add to the length.
Some of this was written more like novel prose than a screenplay. Shorten action lines and keep them concise. Make sure you're showing and not telling.
Leave out camera directions for spec scripts. Directors ignore them. Plus they take me out of the story, remind me I'm reading a script.
Read some scripts around here and provide feedback for reads in return.
Does FADE IN really need to be on the left though? I mean, I put it there, but it is a transition that goes to the left as well. I've seen both. So it's not really something to worry about.
The blocks of action are though, it is too wordy. As mentioned before you can shorten them by taking out things that don't matter.
RE: The Jackass show though-- I would actually keep it, to me it shows the lack of supervision these parents give to Kimmy. This is not a kids show, but they are too busy with their own violence to acknowledge what Kimmy is watching. Their life is violent, the show is violent.
The action blocks need to be separated, think of every sentence as a shot itself. If it changes, go to the next line. Too much reading in block form is distracting to the reader imo. It's not as clean.
Also, at least for me. Reading a script is reading words that are literally on the screen. So when you write in a "novel" way with fancy words like "Ribs cutting through his skin" I picture the actual ribs cutting through his skin. I know you are not literal here, but I would change the use of words there. If I have to go back more than once to read something again, then it's not good. I either lose a sense of where I am, what is happening, who is doing it, etc.
no camera direction either.
Most of the script is action heavy. I would have loved this if there had been no dialogue whatsoever. A lot of the dialogue used here is stuff that can be done visually. Try writing it with no words spoken, I think it might be more powerful that way.
Thanks for the tips. It's funny, I actually wrote the entire thing without dialogue (except for maybe one line) and my teacher told me I needed dialogue so it seems I can't win no matter what i do lol.
I write both screenplays and novels so I'm guessing that's why it comes off a little too wordy. I'm trying to get better at keeping things simple and to the point so I'll be sure to go back and cut down the description and break it up a little better. I appreciate the advice!