Eternal Sins by Stephen Atuobi-Danso - Short, Thriller - The lives of two New York detectives , a lawyer, and a mysterious businessman intertwine in three tales of violence and love. - pdf, format

Keep your action blocks to a max of four sentences. This doesn’t mine you have to get ride of entire sentences just spilt them.

You wrote, “A well portion dark haired woman dressed in impeccable jet black Ludlow suit is sitting relaxed in the driver seat of an black Mercedes S-Class. She sits staring at silver necklace with golden star shaped medallion with a red ruby in the middle of it.”

Do this: A well portion dark haired woman dressed in impeccable jet black Ludlow suit is sitting relaxed in the driver seat of an black Mercedes S-Class.

She sits staring at silver necklace with golden star shaped medallion with a red ruby in the middle of it.

Imagine each block of text as a separate shot the director films.

You have to clarify the pitch black in your first scene. Do we see her taking out the briefcase or just hear it?

Headings are overwritten you wrote, EXT. NEW YORK POLICE STATION PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Should be EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT, you can describe the set in your action lines.

Reading your script was worth it for two words. Briefcase Gun.  I love it.

For a second I thought the guy in the interrogation room was actually Don Draper when the officer said it.  “Why the hell is Draper doing in this short?” All good since it was a reference.

I would think that a modern Dracula wouldn’t speak out of time, but hey it’s your story.

Numerous grammar errors, get rid of (CONTINUED), no need for cut to’s either, and it’s overwritten in places.

The script didn’t surprise me at all, besides for the briefcase gun.

You should describe Vlad’s fangs at the end when he bites the women. I read this script without reading the logline and I thought he was just biting the women not because it’s implied that he’s Dracula. It wasn’t for me, since I only enjoyed the briefcase gun.

Another tip read your actions lines and dialogue out loud.

Good luck with the short!

Hey Stephen.

That PITCH BLACK part has me a bit stumped.  I think you were going for a camera angle inside the trunk.  From the pitch black trunk, she opens the trunk, we see the briefcase, she grabs it then she shuts the trunk, leaving us in the dark again.  If that's the case I wouldn't get too fancy with the camera angle, at least not in a spec script.

You don't like to introduce your characters in your action lines from what I see.  I can understand that since we wouldn't actually know their names right off the bat if we were watching the film but for reading purposes, I would suggest you do introduce them early on.

Also for me, it's a bit difficult to build rapport with characters whose names I don't know.  As a reader, I can't really connect with Hulking Bald Man or Attractive Detective but Rick and Janet is something different.  Since I know their names, it's a bit more personal.  Same thing with Eastern European Man and Well Portioned Dark Haired Woman Dressed In Impeccable Jet Black Ludlow Suit.  This is really just a preference but I thought I'd throw it out there.

I'm not sure if pulling the gun on Vlad was a ploy or not, seeing as Janet draws her gun at Rick but if it wasn't, I highly doubt a detective would actually point their gun at their partner.  It's just really hard to believe that Janet would think that Rick would actually kill the suspect in the middle of a police station.  Maybe you could clarify.

Don't know why you started capitalizing your action lines.  Overall this was a miss for me.  Couldn't really get into it.  The writting wasn't bad but not all that great.  Overwritten in a few places and the dialogue read a bit funny to me.  Best of luck, hopefully this helped a bit.

Stephen, I'm going to hope that English isn't your first language, because your opening passage is filled with mistakes that read quite humorously.

What does "a well portion dark haired woman" mean?  Do you mean "a well proportioned dark haired woman"?  Even that is really awkward.

So many other mistakes so early on, there's no way in the world I'm going any deeper in.  You've got to edit your work and make it look like you care, bro.  This is a mess.