A Casual Liaison by James Jensen (jmjtitan181 - Short, Drama - Two strangers meet in a coffee shop. Casual banter turns to a moment of truth when one reveals a dark secret to the other. 8 pages - doc, format

Ok, I gave this a quick read and here are my thoughts:

1.  The plot made me ask too many questions.  Why is this guy (perhaps the archangel Michael, I presume?) coming to this girl to tell what's about to happen?  Why engage her in a bunch of conversation instead of telling her to get out of the coffeeshop right away?  Why is his "business" in transactions?  Why even tell her at all--what was trying to be achieved with that news? Her reaction to the news didn't seem too believable, either.  When the gunman came in, why didn't she just get down on the floor as ordered (of course, that wouldn't have worked with the rest of the plotline).  For someone about to die, she sure gave in pretty quickly.  Perhaps if he had come right to point instead of trying to engage in some broader dialogue, then maybe the dialogue could have led to more revelations about why it was important for her to know.

2.  The dialogue was a bit too forced and unnatural to me.  I guess I didn't buy it in the whole context of the plotline.

3.  The formatting, being in Word, wasn't entirely a turnoff, but there are some things there that would turn off people who read for a living.  For example, at the bottom of pages three and four, the dialogue heading for JUDITH is seen, but her dialgoue actually begins on the next page.  Then on page five, Michael's dialogue spills over onto the next page without a (CONT.).  Those types of script errors would automatically be corrected with a good screenwriting software.  You can get one for free, like Celtx, or Trelby, which will do all the formatting work for you.

You also use BEAT all by itself a couple of times in your action tags.  For example, in this sequence:

                               MICHAEL
               (Thinks hard, then
               gives in)
          Yes.

     Beat.

                    JUDITH
          Who are you?

                    MICHAEL
          I can’t tell you that.

     Beat.

                    JUDITH
          How is it gonna happen?

I would not use those as a stand along action item.  Either let the director determine that a pause would work there, or if you're determined that a pause is needed for effect, add a bit more detail. For example:

                              MICHAEL
               (Thinks hard, then
               gives in)
          Yes.

     JUDITH leans back and studies MICHAEL intently, unsure what to make of this guy.

                    JUDITH
          Who are you?


Not trying to be too harsh here, because with some reworking, this could have some potential.  Find some screenwriting software and keep at it--best of luck!

Gary