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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Can't See A Thing Moderators: bert
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  Author    Can't See A Thing  (currently 2769 views)
Don
Posted: January 7th, 2013, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Can't See A Thing by Ed Beach (CrusaderVoice) - Short - In sports, anyone can have a bad game. 10 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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CrusaderVoice
Posted: January 8th, 2013, 12:19am Report to Moderator
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I know the logline is vague. The only logline I could think of to write telegraphed too much of what was to happen.
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dogglebe
Posted: January 12th, 2013, 4:43am Report to Moderator
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This was a good story, and I don't even like sports' stories.  Good comparison of Bill's personal life and his professional life.

There were a number of formatting problems that need to be brought up:

You open up your script with we see.  Never use this in a script.  We are not there.  It reminds people that it's a script and pulls you out of the illusion.

Your opening description was very vague and confusing.  Reading the first few lines, I thought I was watching a football game, not basketball.  You may want to address this.

Your use of off screen (O.S.) is backwards.  It should be:


Quoted Text
          JANICE (O.S.)
  I'm going to be late tonight.


and not:


Quoted Text
          O.S. JANICE
  I'm going to be late tonight.


As I said, this is a good story.  Just needs a little tweeking.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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CrusaderVoice
Posted: January 13th, 2013, 2:43am Report to Moderator
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Phil: thanks!

I don't remember why I wrote "we see" but it probably came from not knowing how to word that the first shot in my head would be a tight shot of a pair eyes and then, bam, an elbow slams into the side of his head...and it widens out to show a basketball game in progress.

It may not have even been the best way to start...it was just what was in my head at the time of writing.

I'm new to script writing and still figuring out formatting but I actually knew O.S. followed the name and somehow still messed it up (and missed it on a proof-read). It sort of kills me to miss things I already know but figure it probably won't be the first time I do that.

Thanks...
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Kip
Posted: January 13th, 2013, 7:23am Report to Moderator
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Hi Ed,

Like Phil, I thought this was a tidy little story.

I must admit, I didn't really understand the terminology that was being used by Billy Black, but that really is because I'm English and never seen a basketball game before. I'm sure it made perfect sense to those who have, so it's not an issue. Everything else dialogue wise was ok, particularly between Bill and his wife.

I think maybe including something in the slug to indicate it's a basketball court (sorry, not sure of the correct name for it) would have helped me. I'd no idea what the Stabler Arena was, but again, that's probably down to my Englishness.

The action could maybe have been shortened and tightened up a tad, but it wasn't a slow read.

Good stuff.

Kip.
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ColinField
Posted: January 13th, 2013, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Overall it was a good story. You don’t often see sports from the perspective of the officials. So I liked that fresh taste a lot.

Phil pointed out some formatting issues that I noticed as well, but as you already replied to them I’ll leave them well enough alone. I noticed some other things however,

Some of your action might be a little over written.


Quoted Text
[/quote]He staggers as the nine other basketball players move
quickly to the other side of the court. We hear a crowd of
3,000 yell in protest of their player being struck.[quote]


You probably don’t need “of their player being struck.” The reader will get why the crowd is protesting without adding that bit on. Not a big deal, but would just make the read smoother.

Also here,


Quoted Text
[/quote]Bill sees from the corner of his eye Lehigh University head
coach ROBERT MILTON, 58, and the source of the vocal protest
take two steps from his bench and on to the court. They are
two steps farther than he is allowed to take by rule.[quote]


You probably don’t need the last sentence. Just Bill yelling at him is enough for the reader to get the idea that he’s doing something wrong.

As Ed said, dialogue overall was pretty well written.  I found something here though,

Quoted Text
[/quote]BILL
(loudly to Emma)
Coach said you did a good job
tonight![quote]


you don’t need to put the parentheticals when you have the exclamation point at the end. Again not a huge deal, but just makes for a smoother read.

I don’t know if the telephone conversation between Bill and Janice really works all that well. I mean think about it, do you really want to hear her voice just talking through the phone for that many lines of dialogue? It’s just kind of boring.  I think it might be better if you intercut the conversation so we can see where Janice is. Maybe you could also build the drama here. Have her doing something that further insinuates her infidelities.

-Colin  


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CrusaderVoice
Posted: January 14th, 2013, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Kip- Thanks! I feel a little better knowing that someone that doesn't follow the sport could follow this story. I wanted the on-court dialouge to sound real and it is something that even followers of the sport don't get a chance to hear so it's unfamilar to most...but was hoping readers (ulimately viewers) can still tell what's going on.

I may have messed up that slugline by not only NOT listing basketball court but also failing to include Lehigh University campus...that would have better placed the venue as a medium-sized college facility.

Colin- My default-mode is to paint a word picture. There were times when I was writing this when I couldn't decide whether I was describing too little or not enough. There were several times when I deleted stuff, then hit the "undo" button to bring it all back. This is the value of the boards at work! Thanks!

I never thought twice about re-doing the telephone conversation. Now that you mention it...hearing only one side of it (and more briefly) could serve the same purpose...or showing her at a bar or restaurant (or anywhere other than a car or mall) would be better and (can't believe I didn't think of this) WOULD BE EASIER TO SHOOT! (i feel dumb)

Not that anyone could actually shoot this...but in theory, y'know?
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DV44
Posted: January 14th, 2013, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ed,

I enjoyed the story. Nicely written with a few issues that Phil already pointed out to you but I liked how you flashed back and forth throughout the game along with Bill's personal life with Janice. I couldn't imagine having a major bomb drop on me right before going to work but I felt you did a great job of showing Bill struggling with his problem.

Well done and best of luck with future scripts.

Take care,

- Dirk

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
DV44  -  January 15th, 2013, 4:26pm
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CrusaderVoice
Posted: January 15th, 2013, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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Dirk: I guess there could be side message in this (even though I didn't intend it) for someone to think twice before screaming "YOU STINK!" at refs during sporting events.
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danbotha
Posted: January 21st, 2013, 3:42am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ed,

I promised you feedback a while back. Many apologies for not getting back to you sooner. Things got quite busy over my end quite quickly. Moving on, I did finally get around to this one and I do have quite a fair bit of notes.

I've seen that the people who have read this story have liked it and that's great. You're connecting with people which is great to see from beginner writers. It shows that with a little fine tuning you can really go a long way with this. Keep writing and you will be kindly rewarded.

This, unfortunately was a bit of a miss for me, although it certainly has some great potential to work out on film. I like the idea behind it all. You show the implications of personal problems on someone's professional life perfectly. The problem for me comes with the ending which falls on it's face. There isn't much of a resolution. The whole way through I was expecting a twist or something that gave us a reason for Bill's actions. Instead I got a cliff-hanger moment, that just doesn't mix too well with me. I want a conclusion, a reason why Bill is so off form. We get it. He's got some personal stuff going on. What gets to me is his wife said something to him before the last scene. It's killing me to know what she said that's upset him so much. Is she cheating on him? Has someone died? We don't know...

I appreciate the use of flashbacks in this one. They work well with the story that you're telling. I don't think it would be as effective if it was told as a linear story.

I too, found myself confused with all the basketball jargon that was used. Very often I didn't understand the calls that Bill was making. After a while I just assumed that whatever call he did make was the WRONG one. Don't worry, your main idea still came across. No big deal.

Phil has already mentioned the writing and formatting issues in this one and I have to admit, they really do pull the read down. Yes, I know that you weren't aware of them when you wrote this, so there still isn't a big problem.

Page 1: "We see..." - This sort of thing should be avoided in screenwriting. Your opening sentence doesn't need to be written like this...

"We see a young pair of eyes on a face shiny with sweat."

It could be written like this, instead...

"A young pair of eyes on a face shiny with sweat." - Same point delivered, using less words.

Page 1: "O.S. VOICE" - Think it would be much easier if you named him instead.

Page 1: "They are two steps further than he is allowed to take by rule." - This is what many writers refer to as unfilmables. Something that can't be seen directly on film. Only write according to what the audience can see and hear. The audience watching the final film can't physically SEE that the coach is breaking the rules, therefore making the writing redundant.

Page 1: "Another official has Lenns by the arm..." - The Official is a character too, therefore you need to have his name in CAPS upon first introduction. Same goes for the Team Trainer.

Page 2:                              JANICE
                               (into phone)
                      Yes. Can you hold on a minute?

                                          JANICE
                                (to Bill)
                       I need to take this.

- I've never understood why some writers choose to write like this. Why have the break in the dialogue? It doesn't make sense. Why not just write it like this, instead.

                                          JANICE
                                (into phone)
                         Yes. Can you hold on a minute?

She lowers the phone.

                                          JANICE
                                  (to Bill)
                          I need to take this.

- It reads so much better, in my honest opinion.

Page 3:                               BILL
                           You know we don't we do that.

- You don't need the second "we".

Page 3: "Picks ups" should be "picks up".

Page 4: "O.S. JANICE" should actually be formatted as JANICE (O.S.). I suggest using a voiceover instead. Offscreen implies that the character is in the same room whereas a voiceover implies that she is in a different location all together.

Page 5: "He blows his whistle and then feels 3,000 pairs of eyes on him." - Another unfilmable. How do we know that he can feel the eyes. If it's important then you can alternatively write it like this...

"He blows his whistle, looking up to see all eyes on him."

Page 5: You keep mentioning how many people there are in the crowd. Yeah we know that there's 3,000... You don't have to mention it every time you write about the crowd.

Page 5: Try not to include a parenthetical at the END of dialogue. "gesturing to the Lehigh bench" could easily be written as a separate action line... "He gestures to the Lehigh bench". These all seem like pathetic things, but in the long run, they matter.

Page 6: "He knew what would happen the second Bill signaled his partner for help." - Two things, here...

1) Another unfilmable.

2) You drift into Past-tense. Keep is Present-tense at all times when writing a script.. E.G. "Knew" should be written as "knows" somehow.

Page 6: "After brushing her teeth" is unnecessary . We don't care what she's done BEFORE the scene starts. Just get to the point and we'll be happy.

Page 7: Paul: "If you're gonna make a call like that you think we're not going say anything." - I think you mean "going TO say anything."

Like I said, it's not bad. The writing needs a tweak and the story for me is good right up to the point where it falls flat due to a lack of any sort of resolution. We know this guy has been deeply affected by his personal life, but now I need details to keep me properly satisfied. If you were going for a mystery ending then I applaud you.

Well done. Hope this is helpful.

Dan


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CrusaderVoice
Posted: January 21st, 2013, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dan. Some of the mistakes you've pointed out fall under "I should know better" and some fall under "I really don't know what I'm doing."

The feedback on this is a huge help for me. This may be the wrong way to approach it, but I looked at writing this short as well as the other I posted, as taking some practice swings in a batting cage.

There were several times when I didn't know how to write / format lines and other times when I wanted to take some chances with copy. I had moments when I thought: "This probably isn't correct" or "I'm not sure if I can get away with writing this line this way..."

In the end, I sort of thought, "screw it; hopefully the SS community will read it, pick apart what doesn't work and point out areas where I'm off-base entirely.

I'm surprised by some things worked, surprised at how many stupid mistakes were there that I should have seen before submitting it and ultimately surprised by discovering that I have to re-learn how to write (that subject is a whole other thread I'll have to post elsewhere).

The ending is intended to be ambiguous.

The first draft included a full, yet rushed discussion, between Bill and Janice right before Bill leaves for the game. I can't tell you why, but for some reason I deleted the whole thing and thought it worked better to leave to the audience's imagination as to what degree of bad news it was. The other flashbacks have led up to this moment so I just decided not to spell the whole thing out. It was one of several chances I took in writing this.

In terms of how the whole thing is resolved: also hard to say. If you're concerned about the game- last year, Lehigh beat Bucknell in the Patriot League title game. Their first meeting this year is Wednesday (Jan. 23) but it is at Bucknell. Bill is bound to get a call correct eventually (law of averages). And no situation he goes through at home is ever the same after that.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 21st, 2013, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Ed,

You of all people should know that the greatest sports stories are told through the form of baseball!   LOL! Just kidding dude.

I remember reading your pilot for Bobby Botelli (how's that coming along?) and thought I'd give this one a gander too.

I think you have some good feedback to work with already, I did like the premise of the story and if you didn't reveal yourself as the author, I would have known it was the same guy that wrote Botelli.  Not sure if that's good or bad, but it carries the same tone.

I would suggest maybe using the action on the basketball court to hone in on the flashbacks.  Show what kind of similarities there are with what's going on with Bill on and off the court.  Good luck on your rewrite.

Johnny  

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CrusaderVoice
Posted: January 21st, 2013, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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Johnny, it is actually somewhat coincidental that two of the things I've posted here are basketball-related. The Botelli script was hoops just because I thought that sport would lend itself to a series better. I froze for a second after reading the first line of your post because saying something like that suggests you know my background (I'll fill people in on that eventually).

The other short I've posted is not a sports story (but I threw a reference in...I couldn't help it).

I'm not aware if I have a distinctive voice yet, but it may not be a bad thing if it's being picked up on.

I THINK the Botelli re-write is going OK. It's an odd feeling to do a re-write and come up with something so different from the original. It's either going to end up being a lot better or a complete wreck...no in-between, I don't think.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 21st, 2013, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CrusaderVoice
I froze for a second after reading the first line of your post because saying something like that suggests you know my background (I'll fill people in on that eventually).


Yeah, I actually stalk the members here after I've read their work to get a better idea of where they're coming from.  I saw you pitching a no-hitter in a softball game yesterday and thought you'd be more suited for a feel-good baseball romantic comedy.

Seriously, I was just messin around.  After I read Botelli, and now this, I can tell you have passion for not only sports, but the many stories that they contain.  Apologies if it came off like I did a background check on you. Hahaha!

Later,

Johnny
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CrusaderVoice
Posted: January 21st, 2013, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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I would rather write a spy thriller or political thriller but I don't know that world well enough.

I no longer do outdoor sports if it is below 40 degrees outside...so I'm pretty sure that wasn't me since it was a lot colder than that where I was yesterday.
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