Fool's Gold by Jeffrey Dean Langham (Jeremiah Johnson) - Short - Two men search for gold and fulfill an ancient Native-American prophecy, or do they? 13 pages - pdf, format

This was supposed to be my entry into the EOTWOWC.  I got the flu and didn't finish in time.  Thought I would throw it up here and let you guys beat it up!  Thanks in advance.

Hey Jeff,

I like your writing style. Get me the night to read this and I'll get back to you with some thoughts.

Shawn.....><

Thanks Shawn!

Hey I wanted to give you some thoughts on this while I was reading it. Some small things come to mind as I open it that I want to bring up. I’m not sure if I’m right or not but it looks like perhaps the spacing might just be a little off. The space between sentences seems to be farther apart than double space. It might just be however.

Anyway on to the story

The story starts off okay but I have to say, two pages of them simply talking about the scroll is very long. Think of it this way. That’s one sixth of your story right there.

I think that whole back and forth could be condensed down to a couple of sentences and still get the point across.

Also, and some may or may not agree but you have three sub scenes within this scene; a campground, a tent, and a truck.

Mini slugs might work here. Kinda like when you’re in a room and someone moves to another part of the room. The primary scene exists but you have another area where something is taking place. It’s been explained to me that in these instances, a mini-slug can work best.

The dialog so far is good. You have a good grasp for your characters and the voice you’ve given them. Good job on that.

You should keep Agnes as mean as she was when you first intro’d her. A pissy old Bieach right out of the gates and I was hoping she would just get meaner. Seems to suit her if you know what I mean.

This sounds silly but be careful about using words like “Speckle” more than once in a short script action line. It’s an unusual word and you use it twice on page-1 and page-5. It’s a word not very often used and it stands out.

To be honest, at page 6, I’m kinda not getting a reason to the story. I know of the map but man, you got to get in there and get out on a short like this. I feel like all I’m doing is listening to some guys looking for food.

The story went on and I finished it, but I have to tell ya, the ending just wasn’t there my friend. The logline had two men “searching” for gold and they find an ancient so and so…

You burned a ton of space on just the back and forth. Cut all the fat, and you would have to 7 or 8 pages. Or take these 13 pages and tell a story of two men searching for gold.

That’s what I was hoping to see.

Take care my friend.

Shawn.....><

@Jeremiah

This was just okay for me.  The execution just wasn't there JMHO...not to mention I thought you dragged this out... longer than what it needed to be.   If you go back and re-write this... I'd seriously consider cutting a lot of the beginning, focus on the heart of your story.  Them searching for gold.

The ending, eh, I wished you had thrown us off course.

But overall, not a bad effort, good dialogue exchange for sure between Billy and Mark.  If i were to close my eyes I could tell them apart.

Good Luck,

Ghostie

Shawn,
Thanks for the read.  I appreciate the feedback.  Not sure about the spacing, but will look at it again.  I did bang this out as I had it playing in my mind, in about four hours.  I agree with the first part, too much setup for a short.  On rewrite will take care of this.

Will look to see if I can sharpen Agnes' tongue!

I'm not speckle sure what you speckle mean about speckle using speckle too speckle much??

Agree, that if I trim the first part that will give me some room to actually have them SEARCH for gold.

So far, I'm the only one who likes the ending!  My wife didn't like it, you didn't like it, ghostwriter didn't like it, etc.  I will look at it again.

Next rewrite, I hope, will be a bit better.

I really did this as the EOTWOWC, and didn't really spend the time on it that is needed.  Will get it done.

Thanks a ton for the comments!!!!

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal @Jeremiah This was just okay for me.  They execution just wasn't there JMHO...not to mention I thought you dragged this out... longer than what it needed to be.   If you go back and re-write this... I'd seriously consider cutting a lot of the beginning, focus on the heart of your story.  Them searching for gold. The ending, eh, I wished you had thrown us off course. But overall, not a bad effort, good dialogue exchange for sure between Billy and Mark.  If i were to close my eyes I could tell them apart. Good Luck, Ghostie

Ghostie,
Thanks for the read!!!  I agree with you about the beginning.  Unfortunately, that is how I had them in my head.  I should have thought about it before I threw it down.  Will definately trim this, which will give me room to put more toward the search for gold.

Yep, you didn't like the end, Shawn didn't like the end, my wife didn't like it - only me!  I will have to consider a change if everyone agrees.  I'm not that set on it that I can't change it.

I appreciate the feedback and reading this.  As I said above, this was supposed to be my EOTWOWC entry.  I would have gotten beat up bad.

Thanks.

Hey Jeff, just found this and gave it a read.  I don't want to be harsh or anything, but I agree with the others that there are lots of issues here and overall, this did not work for me in any way, sorry to say.

I'm not going to go into writing/technical/formatting issues for a change.  I know you are just starting out and I know the more you read and write, the easier it will get and the more obvious these mistakes will be.

I want to comment on the story, structure, and tone, because that's where this is really lacking, IMO.

As others have said, your logline makes this out to be much more than it turns out to be.  After finishing, to me, this has the feel of a comedic skit without too much comedy.  The end for me is a disaster and just feels so out of place and so completely impossible, it's downright goofy.

The story here seems to be about these 2 guys who have gone around the country discovering gold somehow through little maps they've acquired.  How they get these maps and why it's so easy for them and no one else, I have no idea.  But apparently, this is like the last treasure out there and it's gonna be a biggun!  Why they're both broke after finding treasure in the past, again is a mystery.

But, as others have said, the structure here is so wrong, as the actual treasure hunting plays out in less than a page, while we ramble around a campsite, a campground office, and a local restaurant for basically 10 of 11 pages.  In reality, pretty much none of this matters one bit to the story.  It's all throwaway, IMO.  Now, since you ended the way you did, I guess we have to say that the time spent in the restaurant is necessary, but runs way too long.

The visuals and details, although overwritten in most places, don't work, don't make sense, just aren't there, or just don't remotely matter.  They seem to be up in the mountains and I think it's supposed to be semi-remote and cold.  Yet, they jump into some kind of stream inside a cave and all of a sudden, not only is the old Indian there, but so is the man in the crowd.  Not naming these 2 is a definite mistake.  The one guy's death is impossible to visualize and bringing up the "nuggets" with the feet is also kind of tough.

SO, without going into great detail, this didn't work, didn't make any sense, didn't seem remotely realistic, and wasn't well written, either.  But hey, it's one of your first scripts, right?  This stuff takes some time and your style of writing isn't bad at all.  The devil is in the details and you need to be on top of these details.

Hope this makes sense and doesn't come across as too harsh.  Keep at it, bro.  I look forward to your feature.  take care.

Jeff,

Thanks for the read.  Nope, truth doesn't come across as harsh to me.  I've said it before, I like the comments so I can improve.  It's my second short, but I havea finished feature and 3 more in the works.  

Your level of detail is appreciated and noted.  You (and others) have given me what I will need for the rewrite.  Every person that reads, gives me some little nugget and some big rocks too!

Thanks again, and keep on being honest!

Jeff
aka Jeremiah Johnson

Hey Jeremiah,

So I agree with Shawn that the beginning could be cut down to just a few lines. Actually looking back at it I personally think you could start the story in the restaurant. Get rid of Agnes and the first two to three pages and start with the guys examining the map as the old man enters.

I loved the dialogue between Billy and Mark and the script itself was nicely written. I also agree with Ghostie in that I would have loved to see more about Billy and Mark searching for the gold then the story ending like it did.

The ending was a miss for me. I liked that you added a twist at the end with the man from the bar ending up with the gold but it felt a bit forced. The reason I say that is because the man was so eager to get the Old Man off stage because he didn't want to hear him ramble on about Zapata Falls when in reality he was listening to everything the old man had to say. That didn't seem right with me. Maybe if someone else in the crowd wanted the Old man to stop talking then the man could get up and say to the crowd "let's hear what the old man has to say". That would throw people off a bit. Just my two cents.

Either way I enjoyed it. Best of luck with future scripts.

Take care,

- Dirk

Dirk,

Thanks for reading.  That is a good idea starting it at the restaurant.  Again, that should leave me some room to have them actually search for gold.

O.k., I missed the ending.  I really was thinking it would be ironic that the guy in the crowd was complaining and then ended up with the gold.  I am seriously going to have to come up with a better end.  This is too many saying it sucked without saying it sucked!

Thanks for the comments/compliments!  I will continue to read and ask for help to get better.

Jeff

Jeremiah,
Gave this a read today, and honestly, it wasn't the ending that bothered me as much as  how you got to it.

There was a tendency for some overwriting in some descriptions (e.g., the first action sequence: "The wind dances through the pine trees, whistles a song as it goes."  Could easily be shortened to "The wind whistles through the pine trees."   Also some grammatical errors throughout that need to be cleaned up.

I didn't like the scene at the bar with Billy not paying attention at all, yet somehow he remembers what the old man was saying when they're at the falls.  This needs to be reworked so maybe he is half paying attention, otherwise, the ending lacks believability.

The whole scene at the office could have been dropped for brevity purposes. Just have Mark or Billy point out to the other that they spotted a grill on the way to the camp and they can grab some food there.

Maybe repost after you've had a chance to re-write and we can give you some further thoughts.

Gary

Yep, will do.  Thanks for the comments and the read.  Will post this after the rewrite.

I agree with the others.  Start at the restaurant.  Make the two guys need each other too.  I wouldn't bring anyone along to find some gold, unless I needed them.  

The dialogue needs a lot of work.  

The "prophecy" is just an old Native American who rambles at open mic night?  That's not very prophetic.

Why didn't anyone else go get the gold if this old man was always telling people how to get the gold?  

It seems like the two guys just walked up to the waterfall, took off their shoes, and got the gold.  There needs to be some work put in to get the gold.

The scene where one of the guys gets his head crushed is pretty awful.  It's not described very well and the other guy's reaction is unrealistic.

You have the bones for an interesting story, you just need to flesh it out.  Good luck.

Jordan