Abnormal by Tom Peterson (DivinityFilms) - Short, Horror - A unexpectedly charismatic man who finds excitement and pleasure in his random murders, destroys the line between chaos and order by forcing his own justice among the world. 7 pages - pdf, format

Hi Tom,

I'm not really sure what to make of this one.

Reading it through, I didn't really seem to get what the story was about. It just seemed incomplete, as there didn't seem to be much rhyme or reason for why this bloke was actually killing these people. Maybe there was a reason, but I certainly didn't pick up on it.

There were a few sentences that seemed a little awkward to read. I had to read the first few sentences a couple of times:

"A MAN slowly rises behind the snack aisle with a snack bag
in his mouth. Behind the aisle, he is seen with the entire
shelf stock of the same snack occupying his arms."

Could have been:

"Behind a snack aisle, a MAN slowly stands upright, snack bag in his mouth, arms full of the same."

Or something like that.

Also, in the beginning, it looked to me as though the gunman was talking to Simian, rather than the clerk. Perhaps you could establish that the gunman is pointing his gun at the clerk, then have Simian stand up?

On page 4, I was a bit confused by the driver/Simian bit. The dialogue here was going from driver to officer, and then Simian popped up with some. This threw me completely. Perhaps you could put an (O.S) after Simian's name, so it indicates he's there initially.

On page 5, the killing of the officer was hard to visualise for me:

"Through the driver’s window the officer is thrusted and
becomes completely still. His upper body arches
disproportionately to his lower half as a tire iron
protrudes through his chest out through his back."

This took me a couple of reads before I got the gist of what I was looking at.

Sorry, Tom, but this one wasn't for me.

Kip.

Hey Tom,

First, and I'm no expert, but your logline needs to be reworked... it's a bit confusing, like your script I had to read the lines a couple of time to make sure I was understanding what I was reading.

Since psychopaths are usually charismatic people, and can enjoy random murders, I think the logline could have been put, "A psychopath enforces his own demented justice on the world", or something like that. But even then IMO it's not an interesting premise, in fact reading your logline I was like WTF, so I read the script... I don't know if this is good or bad, but I felt going in I was not going to care for the story, and I was right, so I don't think it's good.

I like horrors, but the problem lies in your protagonist,  I just didn't care about him, so why would I care for the things he does or why he does them. Just because he talks in a "charismatic" fashion (which read awkward a lot of time) doesn't mean he's a likable main character.  This almost read like a sketch piece, but I didn't find it at all funny.

Sorry man, and perhaps it's me, but this wasn't for me either.

Best of luck with your future scripts.

Kev.

Hey Tom, sorry, bro, but the first page is a mess.  That's as far as I got, but it's almost impossible to decipher what's going on, based on the awkward, stilted writing as well as the incorrect technical/formatting problems.

It looks like only 1 of 3 characters are remotely properly introduced.  No one has an actual name, no one has any descriptions.  Just not the way to go about writing a script.

Sorry, but it needs lots of work.

Tom,

I can't tell you how many scripts I've read in the last year that begin inside a gas station or convience store with some sort of robbery in progress.  Blah.

Right away, I was confused by how I need to identify who's who.  Just let us know out the gate that this is Simian, age and how at first glance we should identify him.  Is he a wolf among us sheep?  I like how you elluded to Simian and the possiblity of him having a quirk with the same snacks.

Simian, simply put, isn't very charasmatic.  Charasmatic people have a way with their words and actions, and from the tone of this script, Simian didn't fit the part. If he was really on top of his game, he would have found a better way to kill these people without a box cutter.  Or if you want to take it to the next level, Simian talks the two into killing each other.  How does the gunman howl when he just got a boxcutter jammed into his neck?  And why would he smile 'graciously' to the clerk before he iced him?  And then he just fires a gun in the store?  After that Simian's dialogue pointing out how dumb the clerk and guman were, how dumb was it for him to fire a weapon after he already accomplished what he wanted.

Which brings me to my next point, what does all the character's really want here?  Kurt Vonnegut Jr. said it best, "Every character should want something, even if it's a glass of water."  If Simian wants 'his' glass of water so bad, I want to know why he's thristy.  Even with a short, you need to challenge the audience with a idea or question.  I learned this the hard way. Answer that question through your characters.  Since the story left us with a sense of Simian's genesis, that same sense should be the question you ask in your story. Make sense?

Best of luck with your work,

Johnny

I agree with that the formatting is off.  I know in the past you have commented that you don't feel tied in to normal formatting rules, like using FADE IN to start with, but if these kind of things pile up, then people start to take notice of those things as opposed to your actual writing and story.

As to the story, I just didn't buy in to it because there was really no defining why Simian was being a pyscho.  I think maybe you were trying to get at it at the very end, but it was too little, too late.   It seemed like the entire story was psycho surprises random people who make mistakes and kills them.  That is an incomplete story to me, and thus did not hold my interest.  It seems like there needs to be more to this story, so it should be longer and more of the story should be fleshed about Simian's motives so the reader can buy in.

hope that helps,
Gary